The last few months have been hard on me. Very hard. One of those moments when you go from bad and just when you think its getting better, it gets worse, then you think that surely, can it get any worse than this? Then the worst happens. It was the longest I’ve ever stayed underwater. And the hardest. At some point even tears disappeared. I didn’t even have the strength to ‘suffer’ anymore.
And due to that long wilderness/famine/drought/tornado and all things undesirable, some of my relationships have been affected.
When they say you should have one or two real friends. They mean it. My one or two close friends have been there. And I don’t think our relationship has been affected by my ever changing situation. Don’t I just thank God for the people in my life who I can be vulnerable to( and this is really hard for me despite my father always wondering why I put my ‘whole’ life on my blog;hehe), and who aren’t afraid to openly rebuke my thinking?
Anyway, one of the relationships that took a hit was mine with God. We were like lovers who just can’t live with each other anymore, yet are not ready to separate. But the can’t-live-with-each-other-anymore was a bit more than the we-are-not-yet-ready-to-separate.
I’ve talked here about being angry at God. And the way you should take that anger to God, He can handle it. Well, we progressed from anger to more serious feelings like doubt and resentment( yap, when I said hard, I meant it). No one has ever prepared me for this; not that I’m ever prepared for what life throws my way nowadays. Its just that, what do you do when you feel as if the King of Kings shortchanged you? Like if you are angry at a King, and you value your relationship with him, you’ll confront him with that anger. But if you think that the King does not even value what you say, then surely going to him is a waste of time, right?
Anyway, as I speak to you, God and I aren’t besties, we are like the couple I mentioned above agreeing to go to therapy while starting afresh.
But I’ve learnt a few things, specifically about my walk with God while in this cave underwater.
God always answers my prayers. Just not the way I expected.
I was just thinking about it yesterday, that there was a time I looked at my life, looked at God’s word and realised that my inside there( my belief system, thoughts, values, etc), didn’t go hand in hand. That was like 2 months ago or so.
So what did I do? I asked God to remove/disrupt the areas of my life that I was comfortable with while they hindered my being His reflection.
When I was praying that prayer, I didn’t sincerely think much havoc into it. I mean, I desired good things to happen to me, right? The word says a lot of things about “blessed is he who fears the Lord..” And I wanted to be blessed , so it was only fair that I pray that God uproots all things that stood in the way, right?
Well, God did hear my prayer. And within a few weeks, my whole life was disrupted. Completely. If my life was a farm, then before I was this unused piece of land, with grass and few trees(kinda looking good if I may add), now, I’m that piece of land that has been worked on by tractors of all kinds and its now looking plantable( not really pleasant to the eye except to people like farmers who know the value of such land). Like my whole life just turned upside down and almost everything I held onto was poured down the river. Before I was broken, now i’m empty.
I’m not saying God isn’t gentle or kind, I’m just telling you that when you find yourself in the desert wondering how on earth you got yourself there…remember that time you prayed for God to give you an oasis in your life? Surely, you didn’t think He would provide one while you are in a green land full of streams? So God answered your prayer, just not in the way you expected.
A close friend of mine was telling me that God is full of humor. And it gets so interesting, that for her she finds it very funny( her walk with God that is). Well as for me, I haven’t yet reached that point, I’m at that point when someone makes a joke at your expense, you know its really funny, and the laughter is threatening to spill out, but you still struggle to stay mad, knowing sooner or later you’ll bust out laughing.
Don’t worry if you don’t see the jokes in your circumstances and the aim of God putting you through all that. Years from now you will, and I will hope to hear about it.
God is faithful
You see, just because I became unfaithful didn’t change God. Or his feelings towards me. He still remained the same. He still was there; whether I felt it or not. He is still good to me;even when my situation differed completely with this fact. I don’t know how to explain this further. But if there is an attribute of God I can personally vouch for; its this. I don’t need verses to remind myself of this fact. I only need to look at my life.
Its okay to not be okay with God
I know the above sounds controversial especially to church people. But really, its okay. I don’t remember how many times I lied to my friend that my spiritual walk was good. But she saw right through it and called it out on me. You see, just because I read the word and prayed everyday, didn’t mean things were okay. There are many times I’ve talked to my parents and friends when our relationship wasn’t okay.
And its okay. Its okay to admit to yourself that the boat you and God were in, is slowly sinking. Or water is getting in.
You see all those doubts or feelings we suppress about God hoping our devotional time will straighten them out? Imagine they only grow bigger. The more we avoid facing uncomfortable thoughts that we have toward God, the more the cracks in the relationship widen. And I’m very good at that. Being non confrontational that is. Hoping things will sort themselves out. They never do. Experience has taught me that. So slowly by slowly, I’m learning that looking God in the face and calling Him bad doesn’t make him bad. It makes him seat my ass down and we talk about it.
But not dealing with the not okay relationship with God will actually make your boat sink. No one seats while watching a boat get filled with water. People scoop it out, others call for backup from other fishermen. Point is, do something about it.
Even if its just asking God to help. That’s what I did. I had no strength to sijui figure it out or something. I only asked for help. My boat sank, incase you are wondering what happened( hehe;). But neither did I or God sink along with it ( told you God answers my prayers, just not what I expected).
My final point, God is the God of the valley and the hills. There is a song by the way about this. I think its title is something like ” God of the hills and valley” but seeing how bad I am with titles and names, just search for it on YouTube.
Otherwise, what do you wish you knew during your wilderness moments? Like what advice would you have wanted to have been given during the hard times in life?