God of the hills and valleys

The last few months have been hard on me. Very hard. One of those moments when you go from bad and just when you think its getting better, it gets worse, then you think that surely,  can it get any worse than this? Then the worst happens. It was the longest I’ve ever stayed underwater. And the hardest. At some point even tears disappeared. I didn’t even have the strength to ‘suffer’ anymore. 

And due to that long wilderness/famine/drought/tornado and all things undesirable, some of my relationships have been affected. 

When they say you should have one or two real friends. They mean it. My one or two close friends have been there. And I don’t think our relationship has been affected by my ever changing situation. Don’t I just thank God for the people in my life who I can be vulnerable to( and this is really hard for me despite my father always wondering why I put my ‘whole’ life on my blog;hehe), and who aren’t afraid to openly rebuke my thinking? 

Anyway, one of the relationships that took a hit was mine with God. We were like lovers who just can’t live with each other anymore, yet are not ready to separate. But the can’t-live-with-each-other-anymore was a bit more than the we-are-not-yet-ready-to-separate. 

I’ve talked here about being angry at God. And the way you should take that anger to God, He can handle it. Well, we progressed from anger to more serious feelings like doubt and resentment( yap, when I said hard, I meant it). No one has ever prepared me for this; not that I’m ever prepared for what life throws my way nowadays. Its just that, what do you do when you feel as if the King of Kings shortchanged you? Like if you are angry at a King, and you value your relationship with him, you’ll confront him with that anger. But if you think that the King does not even value what you say, then surely going to him is a waste of time, right? 

Anyway, as I speak to you, God and I aren’t besties, we are like the couple I mentioned above agreeing to go to therapy while starting afresh. 

But I’ve learnt a few things, specifically about my walk with God while in this cave underwater. 

 God always answers my prayers. Just not the way I expected

I was just thinking about it yesterday, that there was a time I looked at my life, looked at God’s word and realised that my inside there( my belief system, thoughts, values, etc), didn’t go hand in hand. That was like 2 months ago or so. 

So what did I do? I asked God to remove/disrupt the areas of my life that I was comfortable with while they hindered my being His reflection. 

When I was praying that prayer, I didn’t sincerely think much havoc into it. I mean, I desired good things to happen to me, right? The word says a lot of things about “blessed is he who fears the Lord..” And I wanted to be blessed , so it was only fair that I pray that God uproots all things that stood in the way, right? 

Well,  God did hear my prayer. And within a few weeks, my whole life was disrupted. Completely. If my life was a farm, then before I was this unused piece of land, with grass and few trees(kinda looking good if I may add), now, I’m that piece of land that has been worked on by tractors of all kinds and its now looking plantable( not really pleasant to the eye except to people like farmers who know the value of such land). Like my whole life just turned upside down and almost everything I held onto was poured down the river. Before I was broken, now i’m empty. 

I’m not saying God isn’t gentle or kind, I’m just telling you that when you find yourself in the desert wondering how on earth you got yourself there…remember that time you prayed for God to give you an oasis in your life? Surely, you didn’t think He would provide one while you are in a green land full of streams? So God answered your prayer, just not in the way you expected. 

A close friend of mine was telling me that God is full of humor. And it gets so interesting, that for her she finds it very funny( her walk with God that is). Well as for me, I haven’t yet reached that point, I’m at that point when someone makes a joke at your expense, you know its really funny, and the laughter is threatening to spill out, but you still struggle to stay mad, knowing sooner or later you’ll bust out laughing. 

Don’t worry if you don’t see the jokes in your circumstances and the aim of God putting you through all that. Years from now you will, and I will hope to hear about it. 

God is faithful

You see, just because I became unfaithful didn’t change God. Or his feelings towards me. He still remained the same. He still was there; whether I felt it or not. He is still good to me;even when my situation differed completely with this fact. I don’t know how to explain this further. But if there is an attribute of God I can personally vouch for; its this. I don’t need verses to remind myself of this fact. I only need to look at my life. 

Its okay to not be okay with God

I know the above sounds controversial especially to church people. But really, its okay. I don’t remember how many times I lied to my friend that my spiritual walk was good. But she saw right through it and called it out on me. You see, just because I read the word and prayed everyday, didn’t mean things were okay. There are many times I’ve talked to my parents and friends when our relationship wasn’t okay. 

And its okay. Its okay to admit to yourself that the boat you and God were in, is slowly sinking. Or water is getting in. 

You see all those doubts or feelings we suppress about God hoping our devotional time will straighten them out? Imagine they only grow bigger. The more we avoid facing uncomfortable thoughts that we have toward God, the more the cracks in the relationship widen. And I’m very good at that. Being non confrontational that is. Hoping things will sort themselves out. They never do. Experience has taught me that. So slowly by slowly, I’m learning that looking God in the face and calling Him bad doesn’t make him bad. It makes him seat my ass down and we talk about it. 

But not dealing with the not okay relationship with God will actually make your boat sink. No one seats while watching a boat get filled with water. People scoop it out, others call for backup from other fishermen. Point is, do something about it.

 Even if its just asking God to help. That’s what I did. I had no strength to sijui figure it out or something. I only asked for help. My boat sank, incase you are wondering what happened( hehe;). But neither did I or God sink along with it ( told you God answers my prayers, just not what I expected). 

My final point, God is the God of the valley and the hills. There is a song by the way about this. I think its title is something like ” God of the hills and valley” but seeing how bad I am with titles and names, just search for it on YouTube. 

Otherwise, what do you wish you knew during your wilderness moments? Like what advice would you have wanted to have been given during the hard times in life? 


Of tough times and healing..

Dear younger me, I write this letter to warn you of tough times ahead. Of things no one tells you at your age. Not to scare you but to prepare you. For I know how much you hate spontaneity(unless its an adventure; duh!)

They tell you that being out of your parent’s care and support is the hardest thing you’ll experience after high school. That being provided for is heaven compared to providing for yourself. Well that’s true. 

But there is something harder than growing up itself. 

Healing. And that’s not the worst part, healing is a must. To live you must heal. I hear you asking me what you are healing from. From everything my dear. 

Healing from the scars caused by those supposed to have protected you from scars in the first place. Your family will hurt you. But more so your mother. And unless you heal from her wounds, you’ll end up causing more people harm. 

Healing will require you to open up those wounds all over again. All those hurtful words they told you over and over again. All those actions that got you feeling unwanted. All of them. And nothing hurts more than relieving pain. 

You’ll try and avoid it at first. See if you can live with the pain. But when that refuses to work, you’ll have no choice but to start the healing process. To open up the pus-oozing scars, to scrub them clean with pain-inducing drugs and to finally patch it up. That will feel like death. 

And just when you thought that after healing comes bliss, you’ll be shocked. After healing comes more healing. Its like never ending surgeries. And each one will be worst than the other. More painful. More earth shattering. And no, one never gets used to it. 

But something harder than that is starting anew all the time. You see, after healing comes new belief systems you must adapt, new truths you must remember. Sometimes even new friends. 

And all that newness means the old must go. Because new wine can’t be put into old wineskin. Your healed self can’t think and feel like the old self. It will need adjustments into your heart and head. Change is inevitable. But that doesn’t make it any easier to adapt to. And  just when you thought you have now arrived into a ‘workable’ you, you’ll start a new healing process restarting the whole damn cycle again. 

I won’t start telling you how it will be worth it. Because when you are in the middle of it, worth will be the last thing in your head. When you are busy running away from issues you are supposed to deal with, whether it will be worth it won’t cross your brain. And even when you stop to deal with it, the pain and anguish doesn’t share space with thoughts of what next. 

I won’t tell you to hold on there when the time comes. You won’t have the strength to. 

I won’t tell you to pray. Neither will you have the strength nor words to. 

But that doesn’t mean that God won’t come down to your level. Sometimes in the form of a song that tears you up. 

Other times in the form of that friend that just can’t let you give up on yourself. 

Brace yourself sweetheart for tough times ahead. Growing up is hard, but staying grown up is harder. 

One day I will write about this place..

One day I will write about this place. 

I will try as much as possible to describe its indescribable nature. 

The way it comforts one while beating them up. I heard rats do that. They bite you and then blow some air there so as to sooth you lest you feel pain and swat them away. But anyway, there are no rats here. 

Just silence and myself. 

And on that day, I will tell of the isolation here. You see, there are days when silence is medicine. Like when silence is actually appreciated and bears fruits. When silence and calmness and peace are almost synonyms. 

But not in this place. The silence here is so loud that I wish for noise. I who enjoys solitude so much have been driven mad by this silence. It taunts me. It holds dancing festivals in my mind during the day when I’m surrounded by human beings. It camps and lights a bonfire at night when I thought it would give me a break. It reminds me that when all is said and done, inside there I’m alone. And no one, not even God, is getting through that deafening silence. 

And hopefully when I write about this place, I will capture like a good picture, how thoughts are futile here. You think and think. And think some more. But for once in my life, thinking doesn’t result to anything. 

In this place thoughts are like meaningless words on a book. Your eyes glance over them but they don’t register in your head. They make no difference. They add nothing nor remove anything. In some other places that life has taken me, thinking led to worrying, in yet others, thinking led to solutions. But in this place, thinking is a futile process. 

When I say one day I will write about this place, its because I hope by then i’ll not be here still. Writing involves a reader and a writer. Its a communal activity. This place reeks of isolation. It reminds me of a quarantine. I don’t know whether i was bad for the world or the world was bad for me, but all the same, I found myself in this isolated place alone. 

One sees no end to this place. It has no beginning nor an end. It looks like a desert. Or an ocean. But when you are in the middle of it and have no idea which way is out. 

And unlike other places, one just can’t get used to this place. Why? Nothing works to your advantage. I’ve been to places where even pain worked to my advantage. Here, everything is a potential enemy. It bites you when it feels like. But all elements here prefer silent treatment. Like they won’t hurt, but they won’t keep company either. 

In this place, one feels as if they are in water, they are not drowning yet, but neither are they floating. One is just flailing their arms. It feels lethargic. Like every movement costs energy. But no progress is made. So sitting looks like a better alternative. Just to sit and get haunted by the silence here that one goes back to trying something. Anything. It doesn’t work. So one sits. That doesn’t work too. And the cycle continues. 

And I hope that on that day when I write about this place, that writing shall exorcise all things associated with this place out of me. There are places I happily keep memories of. Others where I still keep those memories, but not necessarily happily, to remind me how far I’ve come in life. Some places get forgotten just to be opened once in a while when I take a walk down the memory lane.

But this place will get none of that. Or at least I hope to forget with every cell in me that I was ever a sojourner here. If it was possible I would burn it down when I get out. But remember it has no beginning and seemingly no end? So for once i’ll pray that my amnesia does what it does but at the right time and to the right things this time round.

But should you ever find yourself in this place, don’t worry I’m not going to give you advice. I mean, nothing works here anyway. But should life decide to give you a dose of this place, please write about it if you write. Sing about it if you sing. Document it for those who’ve never travelled to this sides to get a glimpse of what this place looks like. 

But I sure do hope against hope, that one day will write about this place. 

In the middle of a storm

I met some lady from church the day before yesterday who thought that I’ve not been writing much of late. And in truth I miss writing. Like writing what’s in my mind. But I rarely write when I’m in a bad phase. Because then, what’s in my mind? Do I tell you about the discouraging thoughts I’m fighting not to think or about the thoughts I hope to think? What do you tell people when you can’t precisely describe what’s wrong with you?

Anyway, I attended Stories of Courage September edition, and the conversations we had there spoke to my situation. So I’ll share some points. 

You know sadness and happiness have an equal stake in your life, right? That pain and joy have the exact claim towards you. So why do we live half of our lives only expecting the best? Only hoping for the better? When someone is feeling low, we tell them to hold on there, better times are ahead. We live half of our lives ignoring it and disregarding it and wishing it away. Instead, why not embrace it? Pain, discouragement, betrayal, hurt and tears are here to stay, so why not find ways of coping when they knock our door?

And to start us off, how do you know you are going through a bad phase? For some its obvious. For some of us, we have to identify our triggers. Those things that if you feel or see or hear will take you back to parts of yourself haven’t healed. Use them to know the onset of a bad phase. One of the signs for me is if I start feeling lazy of reading. I love reading. I follow at least 20 consistent bloggers. Which means my mail everyday has something for me. But there are days when I just don’t feel like reading anything. But should that persist for let’s say a month, it shows me I’ve been postponing dealing with some issues. So what are your triggers or signs of deeper internal issues that need to be paid attention to?

And secondly, how do you cope? Like what do you do when you get angry? How do you let out the steam in you? What takes you through those days when you are hurting? When you feel worthless, desperate and frustrated, what brings your groove back? Some suggestions given during Stories of Courage include, find something you enjoy doing, and do it. Find also something you are good at and do it. Even if its a small thing in comparison to the problems you are facing. 

And most importantly, don’t focus on the things you don’t have or what is wrong with your life. Look at yourself, what do you have? What can you do now? As a person, how can you better yourself as of now? Live in the moment. Not in the past in terms of what went wrong, or in the future, in terms of what could be. 

I’ll be the first to admit that the above is easier said than done. I’m going through a phase where not even words of encouragement get through to me. Either from myself or anyone else. I love writing. But its become a burden of late. But in the middle of all this, I’ve encountered something that has brought me pure joy. Something that has pierced all that darkness surrounding my heart and made me genuinely happy. Guess what it is? I’ve mentioned here before that as a kid I wanted to be an astronomer. The stars and all that information about light years used to dazzle the 9 year old me. I could stay for an hour watching the stars as a kid. 

But adulting happened. And the last time I read anything on the stars was over a decade ago. As a kid. Then I got into a lopha that was showing videos on random things among them adverts. And one of those videos was of space. I noted down the name of that science website and came to look for it. And from then my heart has shit its pants(yes Wamzi, I just had to use your words here;), from the images and information that’s out there about the universe. Seems my 9yr old self was more versed on what poisons to take to heal herself(no pun intended). 

Another thing that has been riding me through this phase is Jazz music. I cringed with shame when I heard Shamsi’s music yesterday for the first time. Like those are Kenyans producing music I’ve been looking for for years. Yet I didn’t know them. Nairobi Horns also isn’t that bad. Dave Koz tags my heart. But best of all for me has been Two Steps from Hell. I can stay all day listening to them. 

Astronomy and classical music will not definitely solve my problems, but they make the stay bearable. Its like having a jumper during a very cold day. You’ll still feel cold, but at least it will be bearable. 

As I smile in the middle of this storm, these are the words running through my mind: the stars always shine. 

Ooh..and in case you want to enjoy some things not concerned with Earth, check out the last post at here

I just want to sleep.  

People struggle with many things.  Others encounter very difficult challenges on the way.  Like I attended a burial yesterday. And the loss was immense.  You could feel it.   But one thing I learnt never to ask,  is ‘why me? ‘. Because the question implies that you would have wanted someone else to carry that burden.  Plus,  ‘why not you? ‘ anyway? 

So as much as I appreciate difficulties and challenges, because of the immense growth they bring along as they leave, I don’t enjoy them at all.  And considering how much I wallow in pain and sadness, in most cases it takes God Himself to give me the strength to push on.  Without Him,  I’m sure some of the difficulties I’ve gone through would have broken me.  

But some challenges come,  and I just don’t see how they are going to help me grow.  Or why they are in my life in the first place. Those instances where I don’t see why I’m struggling with something, like it just doesn’t make sense.  

And the most frustrating thing I’ve been going through, is lack of sleep.  It’s the most frustrating thing I’ve ever encountered. I had it since when I was small,  but it never bothered me that much until now.  That’s majorly because,  me waking up in the middle of the night,  had no influence on the amount of rest my body got.  Unlike now,  when I get to bed tired,  and wake up tired, because I only slept half the time I was on that bed.  

When you tell someone that you didn’t sleep,  I don’t know what they understand,  but I’m sure they don’t get the gravity of the situation. They don’t understand how lonely it is to wake up in the middle of the night,  you can’t call or text anyone,  not because you don’t want to,  but because if you use your phone,  all chances that might have been left of getting back to sleep are gone because of that light.  

They don’t know half the questions you ask yourself,  an hour into the time you decided to sleep,  and your mind is still not shutting down. Like,  what is it that I’m doing that is causing me not to sleep?  Or is there something else that I’m not doing that other people are doing to sleep so easily? Is something wrong with me?  But of course something is wrong with me if I can’t sleep.  So what is that that is wrong with me?  Is it something avoidable like stress?  Or is it something worse like my body can’t produce the hormones or chemical things required to sleep?  

They have absolutely no idea how the internet is a sea of solution for your one drop problem. Meaning that you google,  ’causes of lack of sleep and solutions ‘, and you get a million things that could be wrong with you,  and a thousand solutions that could maybe work for you.  So that even worsens the situation. 

And you hope,  that they never get to know. There is nothing as frustrating as struggling with something that comes naturally for almost everyone you know.  You wake up at night,  for no apparent reason, and you just want to cry. Because one it is quite lonely to be up alone,  two,  it feels terrible to be left out of something that God gives freely to both the wicked and the righteous, three,  there is nothing as bad as struggling with something without knowing its cause.  Because then,  any solution you try out will be a hit and miss.  And four,  it feels like your body is betraying you,  like it can work and get tired,  but when it comes to rest,  it can’t shut down. 

So I pray,  because whether I don’t understand why He can’t just give me sleep,  He is all I have during those times.  I question Him, I beg Him,  I plead with Him,  I remind Him His word,  I apologize for things that I don’t know incase they are making me lack sleep.  And when I finish praying,  I still have my ‘awakeness’ to deal with.  So I create worlds.  I imagine things.  Until the ‘once upon a time’,  reaches to,  ‘and that is the end of my story ‘. I try and stop thinking. And end up thinking about not thinking. I breathe in and out slowly,  until I don’t have the energy to count those breaths.  And I only count when I’m anxious,  and counting helps me then,  so I won’t use it for something that seems ‘hard of hearing ‘ to any solution I know of.  

And I’m just tired.  And frustrated.  I sincerely don’t know for how long I can continue to handle this without resorting to drastic measures. I now perfectly understand how people end up abusing drugs.  You don’t know how many times I’ve resisted going to the chemist and asking for a sleep inducing drug.  The once or twice I’vd used piritons, they have worked.  And I’m not too foolish to not know that if I start using drugs right now,  I’ll be dependent on them.  But for sure,  I know that I don’t have the strength to struggle any longer.  I’m tired of not sleeping.  Tired of this struggle. Frustrated by the frustration that comes with it.  I may not deserve better,  but I know it can be better.  

But for now,  I just want to sleep.  

Desert Diaries

When I started going through a hard time recently..i was confused. Every single day I kept on encountering a challenge after another. Minor ones, big ones, easy ones and difficult ones. Its not like my life has been a smooth ride all along, its just that I have never encountered difficulties in such close proximity with each other. Like on days when I had no challenges, I woke up feeling alone and tired and hopeless. 
And so I went on to God with the whole issue. My prayer? That God tells me what’s going on. I remember telling Him that I don’t mind starving for a whole year if that’s what’s up, provided He tells me before that ‘Mercy, you are going to starve for this whole year or go through A, B, C, D’. I remember complaining to a friend how its not the challenges I have a problem with, its the communication between God and me that I’m struggling with. 

Did God answer me? Of course He did. Using last Sunday’s sermon. We were reading and going through Numbers 1-14. And through that God admonished me while making how He works clear to me. The Israelites used to move depending on the cloud of God that used to be above them. When it started moving, they packed their bags and moved. When it stopped, they stopped. At times it could stop for 2 days and at times for 2 months. No one knew how long they would be in a certain place except God- but God ensured that when it was time to move, He showed them through the cloud. 

God wanted me to understand that He is my cloud. When He says I move, I move, when he says I stay, I stay. For how long? That’s entirely upto Him. But for sure when the time for moving comes, He will tell me or move me. I understood that. 

Did my bad times go away? They got worse. So there I was back again to God with Dear God  I mean, I now know that my life is ordained by God, but whatever I’m going through, is hard. And if you ask me, it doesn’t seem like the word I have from God and my situation are going hand in hand. I was promised prosperity, here I am at the bottom most of things. And so on goes the list. 

So I went back to God. This time round, my strength was at its end. I was weary. And God sent an Angel inform of someone I know to ensure that that spark does not go off yet. She does not know how much God used her, ni zile za she says something to me that only God knows I needed to hear that. Or sends a verse, not knowing that God intentionally chose that because its my favorite chapter in the bible( like with all the complaining I do of how poor I am in memory verses, I know James 1 almost all of it off head, how? I don’t know). 

God is faithful. I told you I’ll tell you this a thousand times and it will still not be an overemphasize. He answered my biggest question of all during this time.  What on earth am I going through?

A wilderness. That’s what I’m going through. And its different from God’s refinery  written about here. A wilderness is where God intentionally picks you up from a mountain/a good place and leads you to a bad place. From enjoyment to discomfort and want. Moses, Jesus and Elijah went through this quite literally. 

Or to describe it otherwise, its the period in between God’s promises and the actual promise coming true. That period between Abraham being promised a son and actually getting Isaac. That period between David being anointed King and actually being King. 

And I’ll just summarize today’s sermon that spoke right into my situation. 

While in the wilderness, there are three things that could happen or tempt you;

1. Prioritizing God’s gifts and promises above the giver. 

Notice, not prioritizing bad or immoral thing; God’s gifts. In my case I had prioritized what God had said He will do in my life and how I’m going to see His goodness in the land of the living. Its not that those things are bad, its just that God should take precedence above them. 

Which is why when Jesus was tempted with bread( something he needed then and sincerely was good for his starving body), he replied, man shall not live by bread(read -the promises and gifts God has told you He will give you) alone, but by God’s word- that is man shall live by the fellowship he or she has with God. On simple terms, God comes first before His deeds or promised deeds in your life. He should be the focus, not his goodies. 

2. The temptation of seeing God/interpreting God through our situation/wilderness.

This is where we look at life and at God through the lenses of what we are going through. We minimize Him or reduce Him to our situation or simply take Him out of the equation completely. We start doubting whether God is really with us. And if He is, why am I going through this? Is God God? Is God good? Is God able? Personally I have struggled with this one, is God willing? Like I know He is mighty and able, but does He really feel like saving me from this situation, because it certainly doesn’t seem that way. 

We were asked this question that struck a chord. But I’ll twist it a bit to suite this, assuming 5 Christians were interviewed for a job, and Kamau got the job. The other 4 didn’t. Who was God with among the 5? Who did God favour among the 5? Definitely all our minds answered Kamau. Yet God’s word shows clearly that He is with all 5 Christians, He loves them equally, He has ordained their lives, He cares for them and will ensure that things work out for the good of all 5. 

What I got from that example is that I usually think that God is with me during good times and when I’m winning. Not when times are rough. Yet, God is with me even through the hard times He leads me through. He promises to never forsake me nor leave me. 

3. Pursuing God’s things the wrong way. 

This is where God has already told you where He is taking you. Like the Israelites knew where they were going. But then we feel and think that maybe God is taking too long or is using hard methods. So what do we do? We take a shortcut or an easier way. To where? Not  back to Egypt, to the land God promised us but we decided to Help God. 

I’ve done this severally with traveling. Like I know God has personally assured me that He will fulfill my wildest dreams and even go beyond when it comes to traveling. But at times I use my own means that I know are not good or moral to just go see somewhere. In the process I get myself into shit that would have been avoided if I just waited upon God. Waiting is not easy as I put it here .But in the long run, from experience, waiting upon God is always worth it. 

So question is, do you trust that whoever took you to the wilderness is faithful enough to see you through it?

Here are 3 things to help us in our wildernesses. 

1. Your identity is from God. 

Its not from your joblessness, sickness, bad marriage, singlehood, financial situation etc. It is from God. Nothing describes you perfectly beyond * God’s Child*. That is who we are. Not our situations, actions or sins. Our God defines us. 

2. Never forget to build your intimacy with God. 

Do your devotions as well as you were doing them when all things were good. It might be hard, but persist. Personally I had started doing deep analysis of the word, that was feeding me immensely. I had absolutely no idea how much I could feed off from the bible until I started reading the word the right way. I wrote about it here.

And then I was dropped right into my wilderness, guess what disappeared? That deep devotion. I still pray and once in a while listen or read the bible. But not as intentional as i was before the wilderness. Definitely I’ll pray for strength to go back to daily devotions. 

Otherwise when God comes, how will I hear Him if I’m not tuned in to Him?

3. You have done nothing to deserve to be here. 

God puts us in these wildernesses. Its a trial or test and not a temptation. A trial/test is what God uses to strengthen my faith, temptations are what the devil uses to weaken our faith. As James 1 puts it, I should consider it pure joy when going through trials of various kinds, because ultimately God is using them to build me up and make me complete and ready for His work. So its not like its my sins or anything I didn’t do that is causing me to go through this. Its like school. I have to be trained and equipped for what’s ahead. So this trials and test are a sign of a new level coming. I feel like saying a hallelujah at this point!

Anyway, in this desert there are some things that I have learnt that I wouldn’t have otherwise. Like depending on God daily. Financially that is. I finished school having never gone broke. Like there is no day I went to school with only fare to and fro like today. Today I was giving my offering thinking that I only have fare to go back to the house. Yet I had plans for tomorrow and deep inside my heart I knew I would go through with them. And God has provided. I haven’t gotten into debt. I don’t think I’m ever going to worry about tomorrow when I lived a day when today was all I wanted God to take me through. 

All in all, I’m glad I know that in this wilderness, God is here with me. Molding me. Its hard, but its the only way to be a hero of faith. 

Dear God

Trusting you when times are good is easy. When my hands are lifted up worshipping and adoring you, you take my heart to heavenly places. All I feel like during those moments is to surrender everything to you. I feel safe at that moment. Loved. Chosen. And well kept. You are a promise keeper and you know it. 

And then bad moments come. Maybe when I’ve run away from you or something small has happened and caused a rift in our relationship. I always know I’ll come back. And at times one prayer session is all it takes. And we are back at it. Your word holds true during those times I feel distant from you. Deep in my heart, I always know that you will never leave me nor forsake me. I always feel that though I’m going through stuff, you will make it all work out for my good. What I mean to say is that there is always hope. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope that you will answer my prayer for help. Hope that my sins are forgiven forever and I’m in right standing with you. 

But Dear God, times like the one I’m in now..are hard. When the whole world caves in on you. These are times when I look at my future and if things go on the way they are threatening to, I’m not sure I’ll survive. Literally. You told me to be still and know that you are God. You know how much sense that made to me, when you explained that word to me. 

That the God of heaven and earth, the creator who holds the freaking whole universe in his hand, told me to sit still and know that He is God. That was the most protective promise I’ve ever been given in my life. Its like a child in war torn Somalia calling for help, and the most powerful commander on earth tells that child to sit still and Know that that person is who he is. My God is way more than that. You gave me hope with that revelation. I was in a bad place when you were telling me that. But you assured me of your word. 

When I finished school, I was in a bad place. You God, saw me through that. But not to a better place. After a month or two, my situation became worse. And that’s when you told me to sit still and know that you are God. That’s when you assured me, that just like the Israelites’ story had a meaning in the larger scale of things, my life had a purpose too. 

Forgive me if I thought being Still and knowing that you are God meant that my situation would get better. 

Now my situation has moved to worst. I feel trapped. Trapped with no way out. There is no hope in my situation. I don’t have strength any more. God I can’t hold on. To anyone or anything. I was frustrated, desperate and maybe somewhat angry at life. Now I’m beaten down. Now I’m weathered out. 

And I came to tell you that in this storm, I’m still holding on to your word. I don’t see a way out. But I know that you are not man that you will lie to me. I feel forsaken and abandoned by goodness. But you said that surely I will see your goodness in this life. 

And as you assure me that you ordained my steps, the steps I’m on right now, are getting more difficult as every sunset and sunrise comes. Your word and my situation right now don’t go hand in hand. 

But Dear God, even as I walk in to the darkness of today, you said Jesus came to give me life in abundance. Even as I wake up tired and energy less, you said that though the youth grow weary you shall strengthen them to fly like eagles. Even as I fight tears at the bus stop, you said that you care for me more than the sparrows which none can fall without your permission. Even as I take medicine to help me sleep, you said you give rest and sleep to your beloved. 

I don’t have hope in anything right now. But I trust you to not lie in your word. I was telling a friend that if you didn’t fulfill your word to me, I would be the first person that you’ve broken your record of faithfulness with. 

I don’t even know what I’m telling you right now. But I know that I can’t ask. Asking will require me to have hope that you’ll answer. Its not that I don’t trust you to answer, its just that I don’t have the strength to survive if you don’t. 

All in all, I chose to trust you and wait upon you even when it is the hardest thing to do right now. And I hope that by the time you come through, I’ll be alive to celebrate knowing that you are God.