There are days that I want to forget with every cell in me. Then there are others that I want to put on billboards. Not for anyone’s sake. For mine. For my remembrance. That once in my life, a day like this existed.
Today is one of those days. Maybe I should christen them as remembrance days? Sounds Rwandaish( hehe).
Anyway, when I made the decision to reboot my spirituality, I was scared. I was afraid. Because being Christian is all I’ve ever been since I was 8yrs old. Going to church and being in families that go to church was all I’ve ever known about Sundays.
Then here I am. Saying and thinking of leaving all that for unchartered waters. Who would I become? What would I be? Who would I associate with in my new planet?
But I also knew that the previous mode of working, wasn’t working ( pun intended). I couldn’t deny that. I couldn’t unchange that. I couldn’t ignore that.
So I decided to take the first steps. To do it afraid. To trudge on. I believe that I owe it to myself, to give myself the best life I can. With the least stress. Like I wouldn’t dive into polluted deep waters if there is a better route somewhere else. Because I wasn’t given many lives, its only this one.
And this has been the weirdest decision I’ve ever made.
I’ve never felt so much joy in my entire life. I’ve woken up with my heart leaping and beating with excitement. Like I’m so excited that even my physical body can feel the joy in my soul. I’ve never ever experienced such joy! Not even once.
I feel so happy, excited, exhilarated and joyous at the same time. Its like my spirit, soul and mind are dancing musicals inside there. My heart isn’t still. I don’t know how to capture this.
But I want to remember this day. Freedom day. If I may call it so.
Freedom from what? I also don’t know. All I know is that I’ve been born again for a long time. We were told to always put God first. So I put God first. Then other authorities followed. People I held in high esteem .
What I didn’t know, what I had never realised, is that I came bottom in that hierarchy. I was the last one. A friend was telling me how I hold them in high regard till it exasperates them. It could be because of many reasons that I do that, but she hammered in what I have been realising for the last few days. That as much as I had my likes, dislikes, passions etc, I gave priority to other’s. Not in the way I do things. In the way I think of them. Like I will hold what you tell me, if I hold you in high regard, to be better than mine.
Till when I decided to choose myself. I didn’t decide to. Like I didn’t even know I had never chosen myself. I simply unchose God and everyone on that list. Till there was just me.
I wish I could explain how freeing that is. I’m feeling so on top of the moon hadi nikaanza kujishuku. Like how is joy this full possible? Kwani what kind of a cage was I in, if this is how I feel by simply remaining alone?
I’m trying to figure out if this is how sin feels like. Because that’s what other quarters will call it. But on the other hand, when I look for a word to describe what I’m feeling, this feels like salvation. Salvation from bondage. But most importantly, salvation from Fear.
I’ve been afraid. I got born again as a small kid because I was told about hell. I didn’t know about heaven, but the little I knew about hell was enough to make it a no go zone. I grew up being the obedient kid at home. Never disobeying what I was told. I believed my parents knew more. They had been around for longer. They had my best interest at heart. They knew where the potholes are. So I obeyed them.
Till now when I realise that obedient wasn’t what I was. Afraid was more like it. Afraid of hell. Afraid of consequences that follow if you don’t take the path chosen for you by someone else. Afraid of not fitting in. Afraid of life itself.
Till now when I take off Fear , only, I remain in that equation. No one else. Nothing else. Previously being alone was a disaster. Not as in alone in a room. I love being alone. But being alone in life generally. In the decisions I make. Without instructions or rules from certain quarters.
Till i’ve been alone for a day and the opposite is true. Its soo funny, I usually wake up a bit sluggy. No hurry in the morning. I don’t like people talking to me in the morning. Till today. I woke up feeling like going to a field and jumping a hundred times. My soul wanted to high five the universe. While my heart wanted to break out of the ribcage that was restricting its pumps of excitement. Like which one is this Mercy? Because i’ve never encountered her before.
Before. I’ve been a lot of things before. Aki I was always so afraid, thinking about it. Afraid of my future. Afraid of my tomorrow. Scared that things will go wrong.
Now, after choosing myself in life, I feel as if this is the defining moment in my life. You know the way people have that experience or trauma or moment of their lives that divides their lives into a before and after. Mine is now.
I feel this newness. Its like being born anew. Its a new kind of newness. I think it has been happening for the whole of 2018 its just that its climaxing right now. I’m even looking at things in my room anew. We met up with my friends yesterday and I could sense a shift in the way I perceive things now. Like I’m in a daze. Who’s this awesome person who’s inhabited my body and where was she before?
Its like i’ll never see the world the same way again. And I can’t unsee what i’ve just experienced. The rate at which I’m making up new words or slaughtering English in here is simply commendable ;).
Anyway, my temples are hurting from grinning like a fool while writing this.
I don’t even know what or where this is headed. But I would love to remember this day. And I sincerely hope that they’ll be many more to come like it. Or that this is the beginning of something new. Something beautiful.