Unbridled. That’s the best description to give to the child in me, that is trying to come back. This is one of those situations in which common cliches like; we are our own worst( or is it best) enemies, kinda ring true.
I say kinda because when an 18 year old willingly has an affair with a 40year old, gets pregnant and misses the college scholarship, its a little hard to not put responsibility on both adults.
That’s the same situation my inside child finds herself in right now. With an adult raised in a society that has rules and punishes those who don’t follow them severely. Who is exactly to blame, the adult or the circumstances in the society that made the adult to be who she is today?
Anyway, I noticed I love to use the word anyway a lot. And as of now, ‘I don’t know’ has to be the competitor to anyway. Anyway ( totally unintended), i’m happy with the resilient nature of that inside me that is struggling to come out.
As someone told me, in life, you lose yourself many times and find yourself as many times. That i’ll take a detour from myself and come back as many times. That’s sounds really tiresome and as if life is a ‘what goes comes around’ situation.
Except that i’m in the favorite stage of that circle. I’m coming back to myself after a long detour. And i’m excited!! About everything. Its like there is this tap called joy that has been switched on in me somewhere. Articles are making me happy, apples in pictures are making me laugh, Shaffie Weru is cracking my ribs and i’m obsessed with my own voice. You mean I’ve been carrying around this sexy voice all along and i’m only noticing it now?
So as much as I would love to say that I hate this process, I loove where I am at. Everything looks colourful from my side. Everything.
Except that i’m nervous. Or to put it differently, i’m a nerve wreck. You see the things that the joyful inner me wants to do? We had walls and rules to protect us before. Now the very walls and rules that kinda helped me, are standing in the way of happiness.
This is where my defense mechanisms are clashing with my newly found ‘just do it’ attitude. My defense mechanisms want to ask questions like, is it appropriate? Are we becoming too much? You sure you can’t phrase it differently? Should we really do that? Its not too outrageous? You sure you want to ask for help..I mean we’ve just suffered before in silence and we survived.
While my inner soul wants to jump right in the fray with absolutely no care in the world. What’s the worst that could happen anyway?
And in between those two quarelling selves, I continue to smile at the air and loove the sound of my voice.
Mwende Kyalo 