They are us.

Senzenina is playing. In repeat. I have no particular attachment to the song. I just love the beats, the atmosphere it creates. In another time, in another mind set, I would have regarded it as a sad song. I would have related to it from a loss and heart ache point of view.

Now, its the equivalent of birds chirping to my world. A sound that accompanies peace. The background to a sunny village setting. The calm in an already calm environment.

My great grandma died this week. At 108 years of age. Or thereabouts. And I was shook. Not because I was close to her. But because I felt as if we lost a baobab tree in our family. And I couldn’t see a young baobab tree that would replace her.

And that worries me. A lot. The fact that since I was born, I’ve never seen a small baobab tree. Neither has my 60year old neighbour at home. They just don’t exist. The Chinese people keep cutting the ones they find on the way. Not knowing that in our culture, we don’t cut those ancestors of ours, we make corners for them, we include them in our compound landscaping. They are a part of us. But they don’t know that. So they cut them to make roads and railways.

I saw somewhere that small baobab trees aren’t there because they don’t look like the older trees. They come to later look like their older selves much later in life. That intrigued me. It gave me hope.

That maybe my great grandma isn’t finished. Just because there is none like her right now, doesn’t mean that one of us won’t rise to fill up her position. We just don’t look like her as of now.

And that gives me hope. Because I want to be like her. A baobab tree. A symbol of life. A root of life. The one from whom life stems from. The one who just is. The shelter. The strong yet soft one. The huge one that can live without water, yet is the water of life to the others around.

And as my year starts its last half, i’m floored. By life. And how much I’ve grown. But that statement feels like the understatement of the century. Not because of how common it is. But because it doesn’t capture the essence of what has happened.

Today is saba saba day. Will my fellow youth celebrate the day? Probably they don’t even know what saba saba day means. I’ve unfollowed someone who shared a sexist remark on Facebook.

Following and unfollowing. I wouldn’t know what saba saba day means if I hadn’t followed the right people. And following and unfollowing,both in social media and in my life has allowed me to have one of the most fulfilling years of my life.

I wanted to dream today. To plan on how to achieve my dreams. To imagine myself getting paid to write about baobabs. And how i’ll have reached if that happens. When that happens, i’ll be the most excited human being to ever write about acacias. I’ll make beatles the sexiest small animals you’ve ever heard about. You’ll never have imagined a more grand thing than river Congo. Or more interesting stories than of a river on fire.

But I decided not to. Because i’m living my dream. My outmost dream. To be myself. To just be. I am. I just am. And that shit is the most peaceful of feelings on earth. To be I am who I am. Whoever that is. Whatever that is. Is it a baobab tree that isn’t yet a baobab tree? Is it a baobab tree in its full glory? I don’t know. And I don’t care to know who or what I am. I just am.

Yesterday I was asked to name 5 most beautiful things. I forgot to mention my soul. Never encountered a more beautiful thing. When its not tortured that is. A tortured soul is hell. A soul that is free to express itself is heaven.

I love how 80% of my sentences begin with And. I love the feeling inside my heart right now. A feeling of love, contentment, rest, happiness, joy, excitement, relaxation, and of being, all at once. Its so tangible if you were around me I would place your hand on my chest, sure that you would feel it too. And its soo full.

I miss her. My Sunday muse. Not in a way of ‘ I am lacking something’ in life. But like a male ostrich dancing its dance. Talking of ostriches, I love my flaws. They make me laugh. Those genuine laughs that emanate from the heart and stay inside, lest I have to explain to anyone why i’m laughing so purely.

There is a cake a love. In a java we love. But I’ve never taken myself there. Because I don’t know where it is. Its the restaurant I’ve frequented most in the city. Yet I still don’t know where it is. I sat there the last time I was there. And laughed at myself. Those genuine laughters that require no outward expression. Because even with my sense of direction, I wouldn’t trade that part of me for a compass.

Anyway, back to ostriches, its an inside joke. Between myself and I. I made a remark yesterday, but I thought it misunderstood by the recipient. I came correcting it in my head. But its a little too late. Words are like birds. Once they fly away, you’ll never get that back. At least not in that instance.

If I continue writing, i’ll write forever. Because as much as I want, I can’t accurately express what i’m feeling right now. I hate attention. Or I thought I did. Until I found myself wearing a yellow neckpiece yesterday. And I loved how it expressed my soul’s position in that instance. Warmth. The kind of sun that doesn’t burn, but instead comforts.

I wanted to say something i’ll do. But I decided to be doing first, then say later. So i shut my mouth. And go research a bit more about baobabs. Who knows , there could be an image of a small one out there. And even if there isn’t, I know that just like my great grandma, we may not see them, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t there, among us, with us, they are us.

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Something new, something beautiful.

kyondo_world

There are days that I want to forget with every cell in me. Then there are others that I want to put on billboards. Not for anyone’s sake. For mine. For my remembrance. That once in my life, a day like this existed.

Today is one of those days. Maybe I should christen them as remembrance days? Sounds Rwandaish( hehe).

Anyway, when I made the decision to reboot my spirituality, I was scared. I was afraid. Because being Christian is all I’ve ever been since I was 8yrs old. Going to church and being in families that go to church was all I’ve ever known about Sundays.

Then here I am. Saying and thinking of leaving all that for unchartered waters. Who would I become? What would I be? Who would I associate with in my new planet?

But I also knew that the previous mode of working, wasn’t working ( pun intended). I couldn’t deny that. I couldn’t unchange that. I couldn’t ignore that.

So I decided to take the first steps. To do it afraid. To trudge on. I believe that I owe it to myself, to give myself the best life I can. With the least stress. Like I wouldn’t dive into polluted deep waters if there is a better route somewhere else. Because I wasn’t given many lives, its only this one.

And this has been the weirdest decision I’ve ever made.

I’ve never felt so much joy in my entire life. I’ve woken up with my heart leaping and beating with excitement. Like I’m so excited that even my physical body can feel the joy in my soul. I’ve never ever experienced such joy! Not even once.

I feel so happy, excited, exhilarated and joyous at the same time. Its like my spirit, soul and mind are dancing musicals inside there. My heart isn’t still. I don’t know how to capture this.

But I want to remember this day. Freedom day. If I may call it so.

Freedom from what? I also don’t know. All I know is that I’ve been born again for a long time. We were told to always put God first. So I put God first. Then other authorities followed. People I held in high esteem .

What I didn’t know, what I had never realised, is that I came bottom in that hierarchy. I was the last one. A friend was telling me how I hold them in high regard till it exasperates them. It could be because of many reasons that I do that, but she hammered in what I have been realising for the last few days. That as much as I had my likes, dislikes, passions etc, I gave priority to other’s. Not in the way I do things. In the way I think of them. Like I will hold what you tell me, if I hold you in high regard, to be better than mine.

Till when I decided to choose myself. I didn’t decide to. Like I didn’t even know I had never chosen myself. I simply unchose God and everyone on that list. Till there was just me.

I wish I could explain how freeing that is. I’m feeling so on top of the moon hadi nikaanza kujishuku. Like how is joy this full possible? Kwani what kind of a cage was I in, if this is how I feel by simply remaining alone?

I’m trying to figure out if this is how sin feels like. Because that’s what other quarters will call it. But on the other hand, when I look for a word to describe what I’m feeling, this feels like salvation. Salvation from bondage. But most importantly, salvation from Fear.

I’ve been afraid. I got born again as a small kid because I was told about hell. I didn’t know about heaven, but the little I knew about hell was enough to make it a no go zone. I grew up being the obedient kid at home. Never disobeying what I was told. I believed my parents knew more. They had been around for longer. They had my best interest at heart. They knew where the potholes are. So I obeyed them.

Till now when I realise that obedient wasn’t what I was. Afraid was more like it. Afraid of hell. Afraid of consequences that follow if you don’t take the path chosen for you by someone else. Afraid of not fitting in. Afraid of life itself.

Till now when I take off Fear , only, I remain in that equation. No one else. Nothing else. Previously being alone was a disaster. Not as in alone in a room. I love being alone. But being alone in life generally. In the decisions I make. Without instructions or rules from certain quarters.

Till i’ve been alone for a day and the opposite is true. Its soo funny, I usually wake up a bit sluggy. No hurry in the morning. I don’t like people talking to me in the morning. Till today. I woke up feeling like going to a field and jumping a hundred times. My soul wanted to high five the universe. While my heart wanted to break out of the ribcage that was restricting its pumps of excitement. Like which one is this Mercy? Because i’ve never encountered her before.

Before. I’ve been a lot of things before. Aki I was always so afraid, thinking about it. Afraid of my future. Afraid of my tomorrow. Scared that things will go wrong.

Now, after choosing myself in life, I feel as if this is the defining moment in my life. You know the way people have that experience or trauma or moment of their lives that divides their lives into a before and after. Mine is now.

I feel this newness. Its like being born anew. Its a new kind of newness. I think it has been happening for the whole of 2018 its just that its climaxing right now. I’m even looking at things in my room anew. We met up with my friends yesterday and I could sense a shift in the way I perceive things now. Like I’m in a daze. Who’s this awesome person who’s inhabited my body and where was she before?

Its like i’ll never see the world the same way again. And I can’t unsee what i’ve just experienced. The rate at which I’m making up new words or slaughtering English in here is simply commendable ;).

Anyway, my temples are hurting from grinning like a fool while writing this.

I don’t even know what or where this is headed. But I would love to remember this day. And I sincerely hope that they’ll be many more to come like it. Or that this is the beginning of something new. Something beautiful.

Ask for help

The first time my friend broached the topic of therapy, I thought it too far fetched. In my head, only people who have gone through very traumatic events go for therapy. And I wasn’t one of them. 

The second time she did, I kinda thought about it for a while. Not because therapy had stopped being for very traumatized people but because my issues that were not going away were becoming traumatic. 

The next time I found myself looking for a counsellor, it was purely out of my need for help. I recognized that I was doing badly and unless something changed, I would be doomed. So this time round I didn’t need to be told I need the professional kind of help. 

I looked for opinions. For some of my friends, their lives had worked out without going for therapy. Some had prayed and trusted God and He had healed them. Some did some programs that helped. Others, their lives just worked out somehow. 

For me, God was not working out the way I expected. My circumstances were still the same and the miracle worker was still on His throne. Life was also not ignoring my issues and moving on as it was supposed to. I could see and feel the effects of my problems in everything. 

So I decided to seek help. And though I’m just starting out, I’m just glad I’m on this this journey to begin with. It feels soo good to receive help after crying out for months. I know it might take years to deal with everything, but I’m just glad, I didn’t ignore myself this time round and asked for help when I really needed it. 

My relationship with God right now isn’t in the best of places, its actually the worst it has ever been since I gave my life to Christ over a decade ago. But I’m not worried about that for now. One way or another ,love will find me. 

What I would tell myself over and over again; ask for help. From whatever quarters that work you. From God, your friends, your parents, your older siblings, from books..whatever just works for you. 

And though things will not work out for you immediately, that simple step of asking for help might be the beginning of your journey to freedom. Just reach out to someone. Unlocking yourself might be the gateway to living out your life in a fulfilling manner. 

For those like me who don’t like asking for help at all, its okay. I took my time. And that time showed me I needed help. At first I felt I had failed myself for being in a position where I couldn’t help myself yet everyone else seemed to have it together. People with almost similar stories to mine seemed to not lack a night’s sleep, yet here I was, overwhelmed by life. 

But the more I stayed down there, and looking at the dreams I had for my life, I realised I needed to be better. Not for anyone’s sake but mine. That if life didn’t play me a fair card, it didn’t mean I had to stay beaten forever. I reached a point I wanted better for myself. 

I got people in my corner who wonder what ‘issues’ are those I always complain about. They think life wasn’t thaaat bad for me. Like I take life too seriously. Or maybe I exaggerate things, its not like anyone’s life is all happy and no valley, right? So why the constant need to deal with my past that isn’t anything to write home about anyway? 

And was I the person I was four years ago, I would have listened to the above words. But I learnt to own my pain. That if being insulted hurts me, I shouldn’t downplay that in favor of those going through more hurtful things. Without this realisation; that if I feel pain, regardless of the magnitude of the source according to society, its valid. Your pain is valid. Mine is. Though different, never take yourself for granted simply because nani went through worse and got out of it alive and well without much struggle. 

I start off my 2018 on a low or high note depending on which side of the spectrum you are on. And I sincerely hope this year will be the one I learn to shower myself with love and allow myself to be showered with love from those who matter. I don’t know what’s your hope for 2018 but I hope that you make it out alive being in a stronger relationship with yourself. 

May 2018 be kind to you. And remember to ask for help. You will thank yourself later for it. 

New beginnings. 

For the last few weeks my life has been like an African market. Where thousands of tiny little things happen while on the surface it looks cool calm and collected. 

On one side everything I had going on right ,crumbled. This has taken months. But I won’t start on the pain, hurt, disappointment and frustration that accompanied it. Its like every sure ground I thought I had went with the wind. 

While on the other side, my future looked way better than it had ever looked. For once when going through the worst, I had things that can make me look forward to seeing better days ahead. I didn’t know what the future holds, but I know there are things I’m not dying without doing; like going to a place no one speaks English or kiswahili. 

And that’s how my heart and mind have been. A head on collision between my past, present and future. All at different times. 

Until today, when I had to make a choice. 

To remain the person I knew or to dust off the past off my shoulders and see what a unshackled me looks like. 

I was anxious. I could feel the weight of it in my bones. A new me calling me from the future. The old me reminding me how far we’ve come. 

I postponed it. Or at least tried to. But I couldn’t pry my mind off thinking about that decision. 

And when I sat down to think, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. 

I felt like a snake shedding off its skin. Excited but kinda scared of the new me at the end of it all. The only worry I had was this, will my close friends and the ones who matter in my life, recognize the me that I have decided to be? 

But prospects of a better relationship with myself and my life won over. 

And when it came to God, as much as we had a relationship, I don’t think the me I am now can comfortably fit in the same relationship. So I’ve just renewed my vows with Him. After all, my God is one of second chances and new ways of doing things. 

For the first time in a long time I feel at peace. Its like something crucial has settled inside of me. 

By the time I’m 60, i don’t know how many times i’ll have to start afresh in life. It will be hard if my current situation is anything to go by. But with this new beginning ( is there an old beginning btw?), my 60s look more attractive. 

So i’ll just be me. Me being subjective to life’s changing circumstances. To new beginnings..

So help me God. 

You walk around in life, thinking you are normal. That though going through ups and downs in life, life is okay. I mean, that’s only normal, right? You get good days and bad days. You have awesome friends that you constantly thank God for. You have a good relationship with God, that you feel so undeserving to have, which is true anyway, you don’t deserve it. And you have good parents, who though you guys cross each other’s paths at times, are still the best, but that’s only normal, right? 

And so you wake up one morning wondering what’s up with  your life. You blame it on your joblessness, until you realise that sincerely speaking, you are kinda lucky to have this free time. And it might be the only time you are free like this in your entire life. So why the restlessness? You try and find quick fixes to your problem. A relationship comes in handy here. But it doesn’t fill that vacuum in you. You go to God. And the guy up there gives you promises for your future, and stays with you right now. Like you can feel His presence every single day. 

But what about today? When everything else is removed, what remains? When God tells you about your future, what about your today? But knowing God, you know the answer to that. That when God annoints you as a future king, He expects you to continue doing what you do daily until your time comes. 

And guess what you’ve been doing? You know you have much potential. And much promise. And many promises for the future from God and other human quarters. So what did your self do? It picked itself up, dressed itself up as a king, and went to demand for its rightful king position. Do you remember the promise was the future not now? But who cares? Someone said you were going to be a king. You knew it. But the current king certainly didn’t think so. I mean , you don’t become king by potential, you become king by actions. So they rejected you. 

And as you look at your silent phone and gmail , you realise that you are a spoilt brat. Because all factors on hold, why would the best employ you? Sincerely speaking, were you them, you wouldn’t employ you. You would be looking for substance, not future substance. Not potential. 

You look at God, and you realise, that favor is unfair. That your perception of God and His goodies has made you a brat. He said He will give you the rest when you sought after His kingdom. So you sought after Him with all your heart, soul and mind. Knowing God, the guy is faithful to a fault. Meaning that He already gave you this ‘ the rest shall follow’ that He talks about. Only problem is, you two seem to have different meanings of that phrase. You think cars, a good job and travelling while if reality is anything to go by, clearly Jesus meant otherwise when saying that. 

And so you wake up one morning, and laugh hard. At yourself. You has been stupid. You has been foolish. But the worst part is that you has been entitled. You have been living life as if it owes you something. As if your parents ought to support you a little further than they are already doing. As if God was supposed to bring your desires to your doorstep. As if your life was just supposed to happen. 

You get ashamed and cringe inside because clearly being bright didn’t insure you against foolishness. And you silently apologise to the world for thinking it owes you. You apologise to God for assuming that because He has a bright future planned for you, you should just go and wait it out. You pray for a second chance. To not get a job right now. Because you have somethings you need to get down to and do before life becames busy. 

You look at your past. At the mindset you had. At the rants you made. At the things you complained about. At the wrong ideas you had about life. And you wonder how on earth you walked around being so ignorant and happy. Now you understand why stupid people are ‘happy’ people. Not knowing insulates you from the responsibility that comes with knowing. 

But most importantly, you forgive yourself. And hold no grudge for your past. It was good when it lasted. But it’s time to move forward. And to do that, you look at the cards life has dealt you with, and you ask yourself, what do I have in my hands right now? Because that is what you do as you await your future. You don’t wait. You live. 

And as you look at life with these new eyes, you know now from the deepest part of your heart, that if you don’t make it, it certainly won’t be for lack of trying. That if your dreams don’t come true, it wasn’t because you didn’t go after them. That if you died right now, you will die trying, not waiting. The world owes you nothing. That phrase has really taken you long to internalize. But better late than never. You are here now. You look at the sheep that you as David is taking care of as you await your king days, and you now know that should any lion dare steal any of them, you’ll kill it with your own hands. This drive coming from the inside of you, fires you up. And you know its not for a day. Or two. You have the kind of minds that when they focus on something, they go after it with everything in them. 

This reminds you of a conversation you overheard. A man was asking your father to recommend someone to help around during the campaigns period. And he was mentioning names while your father commented on them. All of them were good and had their faults too. Except one guy. Apparently, this one guy, if you told him to go distribute or stick posters in schools, he would do exactly that, even if it meant beating up the principals who stood in his way. Just to put up posters. Obviously that’s not how your dad described the guy but from his description that’s what came to mind. And though funny, you admired the guy.  That he would destroy anything in his pathway , just to do what he was supposed to do. 

And though you don’t have that kind of focus, you now know my priorities. At this point. Not in the future. This lesson has taken you so long to learn. Like its been a long time coming. And its here now. You love where you are right now. You are amazed at where you want to be in the next one month. And in between lies a lot of work. But you feel pity for anything that dares come between the now you love  and the amazing future that you are working towards.
 So help me God. 

Graduation 

Everyone  keeps  on asking me how my graduation  was.  And I don’t  know exactly  what to tell them because  I finished all words there. But I’ll try,  maybe write about people’s  reactions  to it.  Or things that I’ll remember  I felt.  

Losing your mother or someone  you love is one of the most scariest thing in the world.  So Kenyatta University  finished their ceremony  quite early or at the time they had said they will,  so we all got out at the same time thus blocking  or jamming the network  systems.  I couldn’t  get through  to her via  phone. I start wondering,  “knowing my mother,  what would she do in this situation? Where  can I start looking for her? “. For around 30minutes  my heart was kinda beating too fast.  I knew she was there somewhere.  But I felt lost without  her. As I grow older am beginning  to think that I’m depending  on my parents more emotionally,  which  I thought  shouldn’t  be the case. Aren’t  we supposed  to be weaning ourselves  off our parents now? 

My graduation  party made me realize  how loved I am.  Not that I didn’t  know that before,  but how many times,  do I get my friends from all spheres of life in one room?  I’m not famous  nor do I have many friends,  but the few I went on collecting along the way are people I can depend  on.  And I thanked God that I have at least one friend from every place I went  to since I was young.  I felt an outpouring  of love from everyone  who came. Feeling loved is a feeling one can’t  get used to.  

Of all people  that spoke,  one stood out for me.  His words were simple:work hard first and you’ll reap the benefits  of your work later.  And I understood  that really  well since he used an example in my life. He also advised  me to get any job. Not to be too choosy when starting  out.   And sincerely speaking,  when I finished campus,  I wanted  an environmental  job alone,  nothing else,  but as he spoke I realised that maybe it’s the fear that I might love  something  else out there that is holding me back.  Like what if I end up realising how much I love accounting and here I was insisting on only working in what I think I know? I hope I don’t  forget his words. 

What stood out for my friends from here,  was my sister. They kept on commenting  on how different  we are.  I’m an introvert. My sister is a sanguine-extrovert for lack of a better word.  She does not keep quite at all.  I’m used to her so I’ve never realised how different  we are from each other until people starting acting shocked  that we are real sisters. The difference  between our personalities  is huge. Plus she has guts for days. 

 

From my parents  side,  I don’t  think they expected my friends from church and generally in life to come.  My parents  were awesomely surprised.  But after all  that, he kept on asking me,  Hakuna mwingine more special than that? I’m 22yrs and they’re  already  asking for a boyfriend, like really? 

Someone  asked me how it feels like to graduate.  For me I was just happy.  It’s like finishing  a season,  but sasa you finish it with an official  celebration.  I finished school two months ago,  but now the whole graduation  thing is more symbolic of that.  It felt good taking graduation  pics knowing that our house will have that picture  on the wall.  It felt good seeing my parents happy.  And KU seemed to be happy to let us go(hehe).

But most importantly  my graduation  day gave me hope.  Hope that however way my life turns out, all shall be well.  I learnt  that from looking at my parents  and friends  who came,  especially  the older ones.  Life had played them different  cards,  but here  they were,  content or satisfied  with the progress they had made and definitely  moving forward.  I got hope that I would see a better tomorrow. That my better days are ahead of me.  That though  I’m at the bottom of the life grind,  what I do now matters. And as some preacher once told us,  we as humans always want to know why we do the things we do and if they matter in the larger scale of things.  So knowing that starting at the bottom and how I start matters,  encouraged my spirit.  

Graduating opened my mind to New things. Like taking photos.  I’ve always  had a thing for photographers. Like they are people I admire. But I’ve always done that from afar.  Until we went with my friends  for a photoshoot before the graduation  day.  And as our photographer  was taking pics of someone else, another classmate  came with a Nikon camera.  So my friend,  decided  to take pictures  of us.  And they turned out really well,  yet he is not a photographer.  He made me realize that even I can learn and improve  on my skills of taking pictures.  Plus I now have a good camera phone,  courtsey  of my graduation party,  so I could as well put it into use. 

Things worked out for my good.  Planning for something  is tiresome  and gruelling.  Or so I realised.  Tiny things worry me.  I kept on worrying about one thing or another before the graduation  day. Yet it all turned out well.  I guess this is a lesson for the future me.  That I should just go with the flow and  stop stressing.  

I thank God for the day that was, and the season that ended.  It was nice when it lasted.  And I’m trusting God for the season  I’m entering.  I know He’ll never leave me nor forsake me.  And of late God has been ‘bembelezaing’ me for lack of a better word.  I don’t  know  why.  But He is very specific  and intentional when it comes  to encouraging me in situations  or just holding my hand using other humans. And I appreciate  Him for that. I’m almost saying that I can’t  wait for what He has in store for me,  but knowing God,  I know I’m in for surprise after surprise.  I let Him take care of me in campus,  and He did a splendid  job out of it.  But He is telling me to forget the former things and behold what He is doing anew.. Trust me,  it’s the most exhilarating  feeling in the world,  when  the king of kings tells you, to wait for Him. Anakuja.  Though those are stories  for another day. But I’m still  waiting on God.  

I thank all my friends that  showed up physically  and in absentia, the love was felt.  I’m grateful to my parents,  may I forever make them feel proud.  I thank my relatives,  there are some  who never lack in any ceremony  of one of theirs. And I thank God. He did it for me.  

Waiting. 

I was prepared for anything. I thought I could face everything that came my way. I expected frustrations. Struggle. Tarmacking. Tiredness. And all things that require one to be strong to handle them. I was armoured. More than the roman soldiers during war. But with all that preparedness, there is one thing that has caught me unawares. One that has frustrated all my efforts. 

Waiting. My life after school has been characterized by waiting. And more waiting. Waiting for what? I don’t know. But nothing has worn on my patience like sitting still and waiting. And I’m not patient. Neither do I like waiting. 

The sitting still part has been the most difficult. My mind is used on being active. So it didn’t know how to sit still and do nothing. I mean, for the last almost 18yrs I always had education to worry about. And even when I had breaks like the long holidays or weekends, I got all the rest i could from them, because I knew in a few weeks time I’ll be back to the system. 

Waiting is hard. Sitting still is worse. I’ve ran away back into old vices. Nothing. They didn’t offer the much needed adrenaline. 

The friends I had, they don’t seem to be waiting. Life seems to be moving on for them. Some are getting married; and I guess that comes with so much activity. Activity that doesn’t necessarily need single souls with not much to offer. Some seem busy. Busy here and there. Busy with themselves. Busy with each other. 

The friends I have. Everyone is doing something. That something could be a lot of things. Some important, some not so urgent. And those not working, they are dating. I guess when you sit still and observe people is when you realize that dating can keep someone busy as much as a job. So if the friends I had and the friends I have don’t offer reprieve from the labour of waiting, what can?

God? I’m almost saying the situation gets worse when I look at God and His word. Since I started waiting, I’ve seen this verse countless of times:- Be still and know that I am God. So what does God expect from me? To sit still. To wait for Him. To wait upon Him. His word for me during this period- Be patient and sit still. In simple terms- the waiting you are running away from, do some more of it. 

So here I am. Frustrated at waiting. Tired from waiting. Impatient. I feel as if I’m on my nerves. Like I have this strength that just needs to be used up. Picture this- a soldier, wearing a 125kg uniform full of all kind of weaponry that can be carried in there. With litres of water to quench the thirst that will come from fighting the whole day. With a heavy machine gun and hundreds of bullet slung across his chest and back. And then he goes to the field. To the battlefield. Prepared psychologically, emotionally, physically and spiritually for a war. He freaking turns up for the war. And guess what he finds in the battlefield?? A well kept field. A tree to relax under. Calm weather: not too hot nor too cold. But no war. Absolutely nothing to beat, kick, punch, shoot or defend himself from. You would think the soldier would be happy..right? Well, this one isn’t. 

So here I am. Waiting. Scratch that. I am learning to wait. Learning to sit still. Trying to tame my impatience. I’m tired of fighting this waiting season. So for the first time since I started waiting, I’m doing the actual waiting. Living each day as it comes is not easy. Not when you were used to having an idea of how next month might turn up. 

Stilling my thoughts isn’t a walk in the path. But it’s doable. Waiting isn’t fun, but it can be enjoyed. Being alone, in spirit, level of life, way of looking at things, etc isn’t desirable. But it is defining. You learn the path you are taking at your pace. You deal the hand life deals you in your own way. You become your own everything. Which can get overwhelming at times. 

So here I am. Doing something I have never done before. Something that people think should be a walk in the park, but is turning out to be a walk in a densely populated forest. Something that is harder than doing something. 

I’m waiting.