A girl can dream

I want to cut my hair. Start all over again. Give up on a 15year old relationship. Find a new love. Maybe I’ll join the naturalistas. Maybe I’ll join the head wrap bandwagon. Maybe I’ll just buy a wig. Or maybe I’ll just walk around hairless. But the bottom point is, I want to cut my hair.As i’m undoing my hair right now, and gasping at a receding hairline, I realize that maybe it’s time I said goodbye to this relationship.
Knowing myself, goodbyes are not my thing. I do not know how to let go. Even when the situation at hand seems beyond resurrection. And to top it all, those motivation books and talks tell me to never give up. That quitting is for the weak. That tough people never give up. And I believe I am tough. Or at least that is what makes me sleep at night. Knowing that I tried.
But when does enough become enough? When do relationships  become stale? When I can’t feel it anymore? When do things need to change? When my heart is not in it anymore? But does the world revolve around me? Am I the sun in my earth? Or the earth around the sun? At what point do I decide I can’t take it anymore? When I start breaking?
My small brother whom we look alike 98%( that 2% is because I’m female plus a 14 year difference between us) thinks I’ll look like him should I shave. He’s handsome according to some beholders. And I am beautiful according to the same beholders. Now imagine me looking like him.  Maybe I’ll be really ugly and hideous. Maybe I’ll look like a he who happens to be a she. Maybe shaving will give me this “african” look that I’ve always admired on people.
But the goodness is that there are a lot of maybes. I realize that I have lived a large part of my life giving myself little to no choices. I only do what’s acceptable to me and those around me. I have created my own jail. Created my own rules. And while at it I can say I have been a commendable prisoner. But maybe it’s time I got an early release for being such a law abiding prisoner(no pun intended). The world is mine for taking. My world is mine to destroy ,for after all creators are also destructors.
In a world full of possibilities, only the naive will hold back. I know by now I sound like a motivational speaker. But if you know me, then you might say I’m a good ,still person. Yet below that facade is raging sea that never stays calm. A mind that wanders and wonders every given chance it gets. A soul that thirsts for the unknown. A spirit that seeks understanding. Yet I’ve been holding back from even wanting. Because therein lies my weakness. I can never seem to deny myself anything that I want. My heart is like that child that throws tantrums in the supermarket until the parent has no choice but to comply with the demands. Maybe I’m always trying to overcompensate for something. But most likely it’s because I have just recently fallen madly in love with myself, and we are at that stage where I feel like taking bullets for myself or walking a thousand miles just to show me how much I love her.
I have come to realise that even if the world named you the most beautiful being of the year but you don’t feel beautiful, then you are not beautiful at all. Because you are who you think you are. And how can you think of what you can’t comprehend? And how do you comprehend a being? Is it not by talking to them, observing them, engaging them, knowing their flaws, the things that make them tick? And then after all that comes acceptance or at least tolerance if you find yourself wanting on so many levels. But point is, you now know who you are according to you. Now you can ask the society who they say you are just for the sake of comparing notes. But that will not have any influence on who you already know you are.
Or you end up like myself. Who embarked on a journey to know thyself. I don’t know what happened on the way, but I ended up falling in love with myself. I couldn’t imagine that all those years I’ve lived with this amazing being yet in total ignorance of it. I have found scars I didn’t know existed and wounds that are still bleeding. And my mind has been blown away by the strength it must have taken to still be alive right now. Broken yes, malfunctioning in some parts, scrambled in others, burnt, but still alive. And I can’t help but give myself a pat in the back.Obviously I am no longer objective in this ‘knowing myself’ journey. But I’m glad I did take it upon myself to find out if there is more to me than what people say there is. How else could I have met a person with the most beautiful combination of flaws,edges, experiences and personality?
I want to cut my hair. Simple wants like that did not exist for the previous Mercy. How could I think of such heinous acts? Society would not appreciate it. And I listened to society. Because somehow society’s voice sounded like mine. Somehow one of us looked like the other. But now I realize that society is a master in mimickery. It can take any shape or form you relate to that has power over you. But I’m over it. I now know my voice,shape and form. And its that ugly one that points out the crack in the relationship with my hair. It shows me the ugliness that society calls normal while secretly laughing behind my back. And it finally gives me options. Wise ideas, foolish one, coward ones, sensible ones, interesting ones. But still options. It opens me up to all maybes there are in the world. No sugarcoating.
My voice,shape and form have finally freed me from the jail I created for myself. I am free at last. I may not even cut my hair. But knowing that I have that option on the table is what freedom tastes like for me. And I smile at myself, for I can now afford to want. A girl can dream.