Beauty


A friend used this line, ” learning patience by being patient “, and it touched my deepest core. Its so simple yet so profound to me. You see of late my life has been one of learning lessons I thought I knew practically. You think you are a patient person until life gives you moments where you have to live out your patience. And its never an easy thing. Practical lessons can be the simplest yet the most difficult. 

In between taking life’s corners, I skidded into this season where I have no control over my life. Not that I’ve ever had control over it anyway, but at least previously I knew or could guess what I would be doing tomorrow. My relationships with God, self and others might not have been the best but they had some sort of consistency in them. While as of now, I’m constantly growing and reevaluating life and relationships . 

At first I did as I have done before when faced with unknown circumstances. I fretted. I worried. I complained. I over thought about it. I fidgeted. And as you already guessed, all that did nothing to help. It only made my stay in this season cumbersome. 

So I did something else, I lost control. Of my life. The one I didn’t have control over in the first place but I acted and thought as if I did. I let go. Of rigidity. My life would go as it wanted to go. And not in a bitter way. In a ‘ I have done all I could think of doing and nothing worked out- its time I let nature take control – and no hard feelings ‘. It was a gradual process this one. Of letting my life be. I had started to learn how to let myself be, so this time, it was just letting my life be. Giving it freedom to go whichever directions with no bad feelings on my side over expectations not met. 

I would be lying if I said my life has been a fairy tales since I let it be. It has not. But as I’m now seated in a garage somewhere, reading an extremely good short story, while single and happily(rather excitedly) waiting for this Valentines and feeling this immense bubble of happiness on my soul- I can say one thing, my life is beautiful right now. 

The kind of beauty I like. I’ve been accused of having weird tastes in almost everything; from clothes to pictures to places I want to travel to , to books. So this is my kind of beauty. Beauty that’s totally imperfect and that is what adds to its allure. Beauty that is drawn in abstract paintings. 

Some days are so difficult to go through, others are too mundane for my liking, other times I find God in the most unlikely places, others days I wake up panicked, others I spend struggling to just survive the day, others I spend on the euphoria clouds- but in all of them; I find myself. All those days are a representation of myself. The glossy sides, the rusty side, the unhealed parts that need some love to be shone in, the crazy parts that make up the wild side of me, the abnormal side that makes me quiet person because speaking out some of my thoughts is kinda illegal( hehe) , the parts that struggle to understand God and Christianity and the white man, the adventurous side that will make an adventure out of a desert; and all of those are wholly and equally me. And I am beautiful. So they are beautiful on their own. 

So I smile, they say there are many ways to be happy, others advice on the many ways to find love, more have preached on how to be at peace with yourself, and for me, as of now, I’ve learnt that the way to a beautiful life is by letting my life be. It will resort to its default settings. And by default, I am beautiful. 

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Be still. 


Yesterday as I was looking at the sunset, something occurred to me. 

As I kept on looking at it, its beauty and splendor, I couldn’t help but get awed at its glory. Like I found it soo deeply amazing. And I liked how as a creation, it brings glory to its creator. Every single day. Like if there is something that reminds me that God is greater than I will ever comprehend and more glorified than any other being, its the Sun. I find it really out-of-this-world for lack of a better word. 

And as the sun was setting, the ball was white when I looked at it deeply( I’ve always looked at the sun directly btw, like at first my eyes burn, then they get used to it, till I can look at it directly without feeling anything- maybe that’s why I have eyesight problems he he), anyway, and as usual it cast an orange hue to the horizon around it. 

Now, being the scientist that I am, do you know what the sun is? Its just a mass of gases burning up. And our sun isn’t white in colour. 

Like what we see here every morning rising up in all its splendor, going ahead to move towards noon then moving to set graciously is just a ball of gases that isn’t even moving in the first place. Neither does it change any property of itself, for earth to experience amazing sunsets. 

It just is. 

Yet we look at it and get carried away by what we see from it. 

And it hit me that had God told the Sun that every single day, it would be providing earth with colourful appearances, probably the sun would have demanded some modifications. It would want to be added some orange or pink or red or purple so that it can serve its purpose better. It would have wanted to be given the ability to move, I mean, just in case earth forgets to move. 

Imagine if God showed it the sunsets and sunrises it would have, and then it looked at itself, at the gases burning up in it, at its constant position, unless it had huge amounts of faith in God, it would have dismissed God’s plan as impossible based on its ‘appearance’ or ‘state’. 

Yet God, to produce such amazing sunsets only needed the sun to do one thing; to just be. 

Same thing with the clouds and the horizon. They work hand in hand with the sun in producing those amazing sunsets. And their only duty when it comes to sunrises, is to just be. 

And I think for humans like me, when you are told of your purpose or the things God would want to use you for, you panic. 

We start making ourselves more presentable. We look at the purpose and maybe want add some little orange or red to ourselves. We look at our state and what we are supposed to achieve and they just don’t seem compatible at all. 

We look at our positioning, and the various things we are supposed to be or achieve at different times of our lives, and they don’t go hand in hand. I mean, shouldn’t we be moving a little bit. 

It never occurs to us that God has maybe made other things like the earth to rotate around us, such that with our constant position, we still achieve our purpose. 

It never occurs to us, that we don’t hold all the cards. That we are only part of a system. And even that duty we’ve been given, will not be achieved by us working alone, its by everyone being still. 

Be still and know that I am God. 

I’ve been asking God to teach me that first part. How to be still. And what better way than to use His creation that I am conversant with to pass across the message. 

Everything that leads upto the sunsets that glorify God immensely, do that by being themselves. The sun, earth or clouds don’t fidget around everyday worrying if today’s sunset will come around beautifully, each one is still in its own element, and in the process, we know that God is God indeed. 

Same thing is required of us.To be still. And in this case, being still simply means to be ourselves. To find out our inner state, what we were made to be, and to be it to the fullest. It means not worrying that we were created a little too stagnant or hot or uncolorful. We should revel in ourselves and in our positions, and let God be glorified. 

Let’s assume that God has placed in your heart, a desire to reach out to the youth. Instead of running around, chasing after the young people in campuses or wherever they are found, be yourself. For example our pastor in church, Pastor Steve, is really passionate about young people. Now imagine if when he was called to plant a church, he refused because that stagnated his mission of reaching and preaching to many young people? Instead, he just was. And now, he heads many young people passionate about other young people and so in the process, he ends up mentoring a team to reach out to the people he desires to bring to God. So ultimately he has achieved way more than he would have if he was working alone, chasing after young people. 

That’s the concept. We may not understand how our state and position relates to our purpose. They may even look contradictory. But God holds the bigger picture. Plus He is the one who gave you both; your state and positioning. Meaning if we leave it up to Him to join up the two, the results will bewilder us. 

I don’t know whether the sun has ever seen how a sunset looks like. But if it has, I bet it can’t believe that that amazingly beautiful product is from it, yet all it did was just to be still. 

I just got a revelation!

God is so amazing. 

So a close friend of mine complemented me about my spiritual life. She said she admires how committed I am to God and my closeness with Him. Now, instead of saying thank you after that complement, i got confused. In my head, complements should be of things that are in my power. Like clothes, hardwork, being an amazing friend etc. But on my spiritual life, God was entirely to blame. 

To take things even further, God has been revealing to me how all along He has been holding me. There were times I was looking back and thought that my seeking God and commitment to reading His word often and praying, were what kept my spiritual life alive. Seeking and God and praying are important, but unless God builds with the builders, the builders build in vain.  Then I’ve gone through a wilderness for the last 3 months and God has been the one holding my hand every single day. So He corrected me and showed me that even when I thought I was the one holding on, God was the one still holding me.

So see, God is to blame for my spiritual life. So in my head, He was the one to get the complement not me. But my boyfriend(I heard bae is outdated,what has replaced it?) thought differently. According to Him, i’m alive and working towards being more Christlike. Its not bad for me to get that complement about my spiritual life. I still didn’t get it. So when I woke up, part of my daily devotions is usually from Charles Spurgeon.

 Guess what the devotion was on today? Gideon and his army. He told them to shout, “The sword of the Lord and of Gideon”. Basically he was saying that the two go hand in hand. God does His work. And then He uses us as instruments to go forth and testify of His goodness. Its wrong to say only the Sword of the Lord alone, because then it means we as Jesus’s followers are not doing the work bestowed upon us. And idleness isn’t advocated in God’s kingdom.  And its also wrong to say The Sword of Gideon alone, because God is the initiater and enabler of the whole process. That the two go hand in hand. 

That I understood. It made sense. So I now understand that God plays His part, I play mine, and we work together in harmony. Its not pride to be recognized as a tool and instrument and servant of God. Its actually humbling and an honour at the same time. 

So you know how much I love sunsets, right? I was washing the utensils on a window facing outside at around 5pm today and in my heart I just had this fleeting desire to catch today’s sunset. We talked with my cousin till that desire got pushed back into my mind. As we were talking, our discussion brought up things I need to talk to God about. Things I have questions about. So I decide to come into the bedroom for a quiet time. 

Guess what I found? The most amazing reflection of a sunset ever!! Like I looked at the window and in my head I’m thinking” when did the sun shift to this side?” Just to peep outside the window and I see the real sunset at its usual side. So I quickly grab my phone and start taking pictures of the reflection on the window. I’m on top of a table saa hizo. After a few shots I decide to take pictures of the real sunset. 

See the reflection above?

And there is the struggle. I have to take half my body outside the window to take the picture. The sunset is beautiful! But guess what? I don’t get a good picture of it. It looks blurred. And that’s understable considering I’m using a phone not a real camera with the capability of capturing that image. So I continue taking pictures of the reflection. 

That’s the real sunset

And as I sit down on the bed, I want to tell someone about that amazing reflection. And that’s when God decides to use that reflection to teach me what He has been trying to tell me since I got that complement. 

You see, the reflection was the exact copy of the real sunset. It was amazing and using my phone camera, I could capture it fully, without missing a thing. 

On the other hand, the real sunset is the real deal. Its heavenly amazing. Only problem is, using the tool I have in my hand which is my phone camera, I can’t capture it. And to even get a glimpse of it ,in my camera , I have to risk both my body and my phone. And even then, I can’t grasp its fullness and details and beauty. The product I get isn’t anything close to the real deal that it is. 

And so God tells me , that He is the real Sunset, and He wants me to be His reflection. Using our kawaida senses, getting ‘it’ from the source could be a whole task that might even be dangerous. You might have to go to great lengths to get it, risking things in the process and even then you might not get the details of whatever it is that God wants you to get. God’s glory or power might even be the reason you don’t get the whole picture. It might blur your senses.  I don’t even know if I’m explaining this correctly but I’ll try. 

But God is calling me to be His reflection. That way, some Mercy who loves sunsets(in this case God) can come find that using the reflection of God in me, she can capture perfectly all details and lessons and understanding about God that she is supposed to get. She will get that from me, using means she can understand and it will not be risky for her. It will be simple, understable and amazing. The sunset reflection was not an inch less amazing because it was on a window. It got me so excited that I couldn’t keep calm. 

Same way, God wants to find Himself in me. Like on top of Him being amazing, imagine finding that amazingness reflected perfectly in a way you can understand (in this case a human)? Wouldn’t that be simply amazing?

Anyway, finally this matter is being put to rest. If I receive a complement on my spiritual life or if someone admires what I have going on with God, it is as amazing as “To the sword of the Lord and of Mercy”. Both co-exist in harmony. And to God be the Glory. I’m so happy you would think that God has never spoken to me before(but using sunsets? This is a first one between me and God)..but who cares , I Just Got a Revelation!

Soak. 

I sat next to a man yesterday in a lopha. I wanted to skin him alive for getting the window seat. Not when it was evening and the orange hue of the sun was visible. And as we started moving, the sun in its majesty took a peak from the extremely dark clouds. It was a sight to behold. I wanted to take a pic. But remember I didn’t have the window seat. And as I looked at the sun, I noticed that that man was taken in by the sun too. His mind wasn’t there at all. Its like he was part of that moment with the sun. 

And it occurred to me, that at times we are so immersed in our own lives, that it never occurs to us that we are one. That though our lives may be different, we go through stuff, we have bad days, we have good days. That though our economic situations differ, we worry, we fall, we cry, we feel pity for ourselves. That though believing different gods, we at some point wonder what’s the point of all this. That though headed to the same direction, our paths are all unique. 

Unique in the same way. And sometimes, we look at ourselves and wish we had more. Wish we were in better situations. Better places at life. We look at others and think that though they are struggling, they are better off. It never occurs to us, that our life will never be better. In a twisted sense. As in, even if I travelled the world, I would still be struggling with something. I’ll still be here writing about my highs and lows. I still won’t think that life is fair. 

So what do we do? This can never be overemphasized. Live in the moment. What’s the use of worrying yourself to death or struggling to your end point to reach the next point of life which will be full of struggles anyway? As in, not to sound hopeless, but if you are riding a bike, enjoy every bit of it. Don’t spend the whole of your time on that bike wishing for a car. Do your best to get that car, but don’t let your bike days pass you by just like that, make the most out of them. 

I attended my first funeral as an adult as I mentioned here recently. And the moment that stuck with me, was when the guy’s grave was being filled up with soil. A group of people were singing. All those Kikuyu songs that require a drum only. And they danced. And danced. Men in suits danced. Women in sparkling clean vitenges sang at the top of their voices. You would have thought they were auditioning for a spot in heaven’s choir. While the family members of the deceased cried. They wept. Some stared stone faced into the grave. The men helped with filling up the grave hole. While the rest of us stood. And watched the scene unfolding before us. It was almost as if I was part of a movie but still watching it unfold. 

That scene has stuck with me. Our pastor always reminds us, that you are either going through a wilderness( a hard patch of life), just from one, or just about to get into one. I was in a wilderness. I struggled, I fought. But things got better. And no, they didn’t get better by me getting out of the wilderness(which would anyway only mean I’m about to get into a next one, right? Told you its pointless). I just got comfortable in the wilderness. Like found a spot in this desert and decided to call it home while I’m in here. And while in here, its so easy to feel as if life is passing you by. 

But i’m realising, that I’ll never be here again. So I’ll cry the most I can. I’ll laugh as much as I can. I’ll do what’s in my powers to do right now, because this is what life has handed me now. I’ll attend funerals and comfort those I came to see with my silence. Knowing that one day, I will be among the singers. And on that day, just like those men in suits, decorum won’t matter. I’ll dance my heart out as a source of comfort. And I do know that one day I will lose someone. And I’ll weep. I’ll grief. I’ll mourn. I’ll miss them. I’ll feel lost without them. But above all that, I know that one day I’ll be the one in the grave. And I hope that the singers and dancers will escort my soul with such vigour and violence that Saint Peter will have no option but to fasten my registration into heaven. 

And for now, I realise that I’m not alone. We are together in this thing called life. Don’t ever feel hopeless. Look outside yourself, people are going through stuff just as you are. They become happy, just as you laugh once in a while. They enjoy the things they enjoy. They have dreams and wishes. And just like you, they are doing what they can with the cards life has dealt them. So rise up. And just like the man in the matatu, soak yourself in the moment. 

Just like the sunset.  

My home town has the most amazing sunset I’ve ever seen.  And being a sunset addict,  I’ve seen different types  of sunsets to the extent that I now know how to spot one that’s  coming from miles away.  This one beckons me from the house. And weirdly enough,  it’s only last year that I noticed  it.  Yes,  after living here for almost 2 decades,  I come to see this sunset this recently. I guess when  you are overburdened  with life,  life passes you by.  Everything  becomes about your pain and hurt.  No wonder hurting  people hurt others,  because  hurt becomes  their world,  it’s the only emotion  they know,  the only emotion  they can express  themselves  in.  

But  on this sunset,  it beckons  you from wherever  you are.  Yesterday  I was in the house at around 6.20pm. I noticed this sudden deep orange glow on the wall.  At first I thought it was fire since the gas was nearby.  But on closer look I realized  its the sun’s rays.  And the sun I found outside was not only deeply orange,  but the horizon around it as well formed different  hues of orange. 

So today I came looking  for it.  You should  have seen me almost  burning  my fingers in a hurry to catch it before it’s gone.  And it disappears  really fast.  So I’m now looking at the diming orange color  it has left on the clouds.  And all I want at this point in life is peace. 

I want peace for my country.  But beyond that I want peace  in my heart.  That calm peace  that trascends my situation, circumstance and feeling.  That calmness that usually causes a smile in the middle of a storm.  The kind that when you reply that you are okay,  you mean it with everything  in you.  

I want God’s kind of peace.  I kinda need it.  Too many thoughts  are running through  my mind. Nothing serious,  nothing bland,  but still many thoughts. But I want stillness. You see,  for the longest time ever,  home meant trouble and work.  Like the moment I stepped into our house,  I knew I was in for an emotional  rollercoaster. And as i’ve stated before,  we are business  people, every added child  means extra  free labour.  

So now,  having sorted  out my issues,  made peace with my past,  and began a healing journey,  home feels different. Some things I know how to deal with.  Like my parents quabbles.  Which have greatly reduced  by the way.  But others I don’t  know how to.  Like what to do with the things that helped me through  my tough times.  Like filling my mind with irrelevant  thoughts so that we don’t  have to deal with painful issues.  The painful  issues are gone,  but my thoughts don’t  know how to stay still in this environment.

A friend  once told me,  that you can’t  get over things that took years to form,  in a matter of days or months.  Then I thought  she was talking about the bitterness  and anger only.  Now I realise that a healing journey is more than that.  What about the free time,  and emotional  space that’s  left after an addiction  or letting go of negative emotions?  What  do you do with that newly formed freedom? 

What did the slaves do after they were set free? After years of thoughts of freedom  occupying their minds,  what did they now think about  after they got that freedom? What do people do, when  the things you were hiding  inside a fortress are gone,  but the walls protecting the fortress are still there?  What do people in the army do when the enemy they were fighting is defeated?  

I don’t  know.  But all I know for now is that I need peace.  Calm in there would be good. And just as the sunset is calm and still,  even when it knows that in a few minutes,  it will  be gone,  I need that peace.