Ask for help

The first time my friend broached the topic of therapy, I thought it too far fetched. In my head, only people who have gone through very traumatic events go for therapy. And I wasn’t one of them. 

The second time she did, I kinda thought about it for a while. Not because therapy had stopped being for very traumatized people but because my issues that were not going away were becoming traumatic. 

The next time I found myself looking for a counsellor, it was purely out of my need for help. I recognized that I was doing badly and unless something changed, I would be doomed. So this time round I didn’t need to be told I need the professional kind of help. 

I looked for opinions. For some of my friends, their lives had worked out without going for therapy. Some had prayed and trusted God and He had healed them. Some did some programs that helped. Others, their lives just worked out somehow. 

For me, God was not working out the way I expected. My circumstances were still the same and the miracle worker was still on His throne. Life was also not ignoring my issues and moving on as it was supposed to. I could see and feel the effects of my problems in everything. 

So I decided to seek help. And though I’m just starting out, I’m just glad I’m on this this journey to begin with. It feels soo good to receive help after crying out for months. I know it might take years to deal with everything, but I’m just glad, I didn’t ignore myself this time round and asked for help when I really needed it. 

My relationship with God right now isn’t in the best of places, its actually the worst it has ever been since I gave my life to Christ over a decade ago. But I’m not worried about that for now. One way or another ,love will find me. 

What I would tell myself over and over again; ask for help. From whatever quarters that work you. From God, your friends, your parents, your older siblings, from books..whatever just works for you. 

And though things will not work out for you immediately, that simple step of asking for help might be the beginning of your journey to freedom. Just reach out to someone. Unlocking yourself might be the gateway to living out your life in a fulfilling manner. 

For those like me who don’t like asking for help at all, its okay. I took my time. And that time showed me I needed help. At first I felt I had failed myself for being in a position where I couldn’t help myself yet everyone else seemed to have it together. People with almost similar stories to mine seemed to not lack a night’s sleep, yet here I was, overwhelmed by life. 

But the more I stayed down there, and looking at the dreams I had for my life, I realised I needed to be better. Not for anyone’s sake but mine. That if life didn’t play me a fair card, it didn’t mean I had to stay beaten forever. I reached a point I wanted better for myself. 

I got people in my corner who wonder what ‘issues’ are those I always complain about. They think life wasn’t thaaat bad for me. Like I take life too seriously. Or maybe I exaggerate things, its not like anyone’s life is all happy and no valley, right? So why the constant need to deal with my past that isn’t anything to write home about anyway? 

And was I the person I was four years ago, I would have listened to the above words. But I learnt to own my pain. That if being insulted hurts me, I shouldn’t downplay that in favor of those going through more hurtful things. Without this realisation; that if I feel pain, regardless of the magnitude of the source according to society, its valid. Your pain is valid. Mine is. Though different, never take yourself for granted simply because nani went through worse and got out of it alive and well without much struggle. 

I start off my 2018 on a low or high note depending on which side of the spectrum you are on. And I sincerely hope this year will be the one I learn to shower myself with love and allow myself to be showered with love from those who matter. I don’t know what’s your hope for 2018 but I hope that you make it out alive being in a stronger relationship with yourself. 

May 2018 be kind to you. And remember to ask for help. You will thank yourself later for it. 


God, what about my dreams?

After my graduation, someone I look up to gave me a gift. A book titled Imagine Big by Terri Savalle. When she gave it to me, I was still in this foolish and childish phase of saying that I don’t read motivational books. But I trust her opinion, plus there us no book she has ever given me that didn’t bless me immensely. So because of her, despite the title of that book sounding motivational, I knew I would read it. I was going through a rough phase where reading became a burden rather than something I enjoy doing as usual, so since I’m now out of that wilderness, I’ve just started eading it seriously of late. 

Chapter 1 is basically asking one what you want. Trust me, that sounds easy until you have to get a pen and a paper and write your dreams down. I realised that, that part of me that used to dream died a long time ago. It took me a few days to at least start answering that question truthfully. And so far I’m at number 57 of my dream list. Its been interesting realizing those things that my heart wants. Some I’ve always known, like being an environmentalist worth her salt in Africa, while some took me by surprise like wanting to meet Strive Masiyiwa. Some are borne out of circumstances I went through, like an interview of an institution I really wanted to work in but didn’t get, while some are from curiosity purely. 

Nevertheless, that’s not what I want us to talk about today. Its about faith and the place of our dreams when it comes to God. Today my devotion comes from Romans 4;17-21 which shall take us through how Abraham handled his promise or his dream of a son in his life. 

17. As it is written, ‘I have made you the father of many nations’– in the presence of the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist.18. In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations; as he had been told, ‘So shall your descendants be’. 19. He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead because he was about a hundred years old, or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. 20. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God. 21. Fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. 

1. In the presence of God

Verse 17 tells us that this promise was in the presence of God. And my desire as I write down my list is that all these dreams go hand in hand with what God wants. Which is why Terri in the book Imagine Big insists that one should ask the Holy Spirit to assist them as they imagine their future. I don’t want to craft my own plans outside of God’s will and then come insisting that He blesses them. TD Jakes was preaching the other day that part of our problem is that , God tells us clearly that He has a plan for us. We go out there and make mistakes, get attached to them and then drag them to God asking Him to now make a plan for our mistake or change His plan to include these other result we have as a result of our own doing. You get this clearly from Ishmael’s story. As much as He was not the promised baby, Abraham loved Him and wanted Him to at least get blessed too. So purpose to have your will aligned to God’s will. 

2. God gives life to dead

There might be things I think I’ve lost capability of doing due to one reason or another. But the God I believe in, is in the business of giving life to dead things or circumstances. So don’t rule anything out of your dream list simply because of an incapability. 

God Calls into Existence things that don’t exist

In simple terms, I don’t have almost all things in my dream list nor do I have the means to achieve them. But my God calls into existence things that don’t exist. So my reality is in no way going to put something off my list. There also things I want that don’t exist, literally. You know those things you want to create but have never heard or seen them anywhere? Like if you succeed , you will be the first one in the world to do so? Well, God calls into existence things that don’t exist. He had my back. 

3. Whom He believed. 

We are not told Abraham believed a lot or less. We are just told he believed. So its either you believe in God being able to give you all your dreams or nothing. I can’t believe God will give me a job then not believe that the same God will take me to Malawi. Its either I believe or not. And I choose to believe. 

4. In Hope He believed against Hope

Hope is realistic. For example, after the end of every semester I used to hope I pass the exams. Why, because I had done the exams and there was a chance of me doing well in them. 

But now imagine, hoping I pass my exams when I have never ever stepped into a school let alone an exam room. Is there hope there? No. This are the exact circumstances that Abraham found himself in and that almost all my dreams falls under. Where you are hoping to pass exams when you didn’t sit for any. 

Hope against hope. Faith calls us to go against the kawaida hope that depends on circumstances being right for a chance of things turning out the way you want them to. It calls us to believe that things will turn out well even when the situation that is supposed to be turning out well doesn’t exist. And I choose to hope against hope that my dreams shall come to pass.

5. He did not weaken in faith when he considered His Reality

Abraham looked at his age and at Sarah’s barrenness and did not weaken in faith. A lot of people when you are setting out goals with tell you to be Realistic. Faith goes against and beyond reality. No one will tell me to be realistic about my dreams, not when faith does not consider present circumstances. 

You see, it is possible , very possible actually for faith to be weakened by present circumstances. I’ve been there. When you look around and all you see is a desert and you need water asap. But Abraham’s faith was not weakened, meaning its a conscious choice he made. And so do I, that my faith will not be weakened by my present circumstances or reality. 

6. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God.

Distrust means feeling that someone or something cannot be relied on. It is to doubt the honesty or reliability of someone. 

Abraham choose to never feel as if the promise of God could not be relied on and neither did he regard it with suspicion. Unlike in the above point where its external forces that were in play, this one is internal. This is where people’s words can get into you and make you doubt what you know is true. Its where Satan asks, “Did He really say…?”. Its where shortcuts come in. Like you know you wanted X,and you knew in your heart that God would give it to you, but since God is taking too long, you decide to bribe your way into it. The end doesn’t justify the means when it comes to God. Any son isn’t a fulfillment of God’s word that He will give you a son. And just like Abraham I choose to feel that God’s word, that He will fulfill my heart’s desires, can be relied upon. God is honest and Reliable. 

7. But he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God. 

Now, let’s backtract a little. Abraham knew that God is honest and reliable. His faith was also not weakening due to his reality. So why not stop, isn’t that enough? Well, have you ever heard of this saying, that if you don’t grow, you die? There isn’t an in between of just standing. Its either you are growing or dying. 

This applies in faith matters too. Faith is like currency. If your million bob today can but you a house. And you put it under your mattress, after seven years, the same one million will not be able to buy you the same house. It will have weakened in value. 

Same thing, when God told Abraham He would give Him a son, Abraham must have felt happy. He must have easily believed that word. Then 10yrs pass, his wife and Him are growing way older. They are now almost a century old. Do you think the faith he started with, is enough to sustain his stand on God’s word now when the reality and present circumstances are much worse? Definitely no. Only a stronger faith would stand the test of time.

 So how did his faith grow strong? By giving glory to God. Instead of focusing on his circumstances or himself, his focus was on God. This here is very important, as much as I’m writing and getting excited at my dreams, my focus should not be on my reality or myself but on God. The one who gives me my heart desires. The promise keeper. Otherwise its very easy for my circumstances to weaken my faith and for me to distrust the promises of God. What makes the difference is where I put my focus on. And focusing on God sees my faith grow strong thus making it possible to withstand more harder times ahead. 

8. Fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised. 

Convinced means completely certain about something. 

Fully means a 100% not 99.9%. 

Now you notice that after focusing on God, Abraham now looks at his promise as achievable. The way we love doing our plans is the complete opposite of this. First of all, we confirm if what we want is in existence. Secondly we ask ourselves if we can get it, if its realistic enough. Thirdly we now bring it to God. 

While its actually supposed to be the other way around. First we should ask ourselves, is God able to do what He has placed in my heart and what His word says to me? Then just like Abraham, that matter becomes settled in our hearts. We become fully convinced that God will do it for us, that our dreams will come true. 

And as I wind up, in case you need a soft copy of the book *Imagine Big* by Terry Savalle, just ask me for it. And on motivation books, let’s just say ignorance is a bad disease. And I’m getting well soon( he he). 

So help me God. 

You walk around in life, thinking you are normal. That though going through ups and downs in life, life is okay. I mean, that’s only normal, right? You get good days and bad days. You have awesome friends that you constantly thank God for. You have a good relationship with God, that you feel so undeserving to have, which is true anyway, you don’t deserve it. And you have good parents, who though you guys cross each other’s paths at times, are still the best, but that’s only normal, right? 

And so you wake up one morning wondering what’s up with  your life. You blame it on your joblessness, until you realise that sincerely speaking, you are kinda lucky to have this free time. And it might be the only time you are free like this in your entire life. So why the restlessness? You try and find quick fixes to your problem. A relationship comes in handy here. But it doesn’t fill that vacuum in you. You go to God. And the guy up there gives you promises for your future, and stays with you right now. Like you can feel His presence every single day. 

But what about today? When everything else is removed, what remains? When God tells you about your future, what about your today? But knowing God, you know the answer to that. That when God annoints you as a future king, He expects you to continue doing what you do daily until your time comes. 

And guess what you’ve been doing? You know you have much potential. And much promise. And many promises for the future from God and other human quarters. So what did your self do? It picked itself up, dressed itself up as a king, and went to demand for its rightful king position. Do you remember the promise was the future not now? But who cares? Someone said you were going to be a king. You knew it. But the current king certainly didn’t think so. I mean , you don’t become king by potential, you become king by actions. So they rejected you. 

And as you look at your silent phone and gmail , you realise that you are a spoilt brat. Because all factors on hold, why would the best employ you? Sincerely speaking, were you them, you wouldn’t employ you. You would be looking for substance, not future substance. Not potential. 

You look at God, and you realise, that favor is unfair. That your perception of God and His goodies has made you a brat. He said He will give you the rest when you sought after His kingdom. So you sought after Him with all your heart, soul and mind. Knowing God, the guy is faithful to a fault. Meaning that He already gave you this ‘ the rest shall follow’ that He talks about. Only problem is, you two seem to have different meanings of that phrase. You think cars, a good job and travelling while if reality is anything to go by, clearly Jesus meant otherwise when saying that. 

And so you wake up one morning, and laugh hard. At yourself. You has been stupid. You has been foolish. But the worst part is that you has been entitled. You have been living life as if it owes you something. As if your parents ought to support you a little further than they are already doing. As if God was supposed to bring your desires to your doorstep. As if your life was just supposed to happen. 

You get ashamed and cringe inside because clearly being bright didn’t insure you against foolishness. And you silently apologise to the world for thinking it owes you. You apologise to God for assuming that because He has a bright future planned for you, you should just go and wait it out. You pray for a second chance. To not get a job right now. Because you have somethings you need to get down to and do before life becames busy. 

You look at your past. At the mindset you had. At the rants you made. At the things you complained about. At the wrong ideas you had about life. And you wonder how on earth you walked around being so ignorant and happy. Now you understand why stupid people are ‘happy’ people. Not knowing insulates you from the responsibility that comes with knowing. 

But most importantly, you forgive yourself. And hold no grudge for your past. It was good when it lasted. But it’s time to move forward. And to do that, you look at the cards life has dealt you with, and you ask yourself, what do I have in my hands right now? Because that is what you do as you await your future. You don’t wait. You live. 

And as you look at life with these new eyes, you know now from the deepest part of your heart, that if you don’t make it, it certainly won’t be for lack of trying. That if your dreams don’t come true, it wasn’t because you didn’t go after them. That if you died right now, you will die trying, not waiting. The world owes you nothing. That phrase has really taken you long to internalize. But better late than never. You are here now. You look at the sheep that you as David is taking care of as you await your king days, and you now know that should any lion dare steal any of them, you’ll kill it with your own hands. This drive coming from the inside of you, fires you up. And you know its not for a day. Or two. You have the kind of minds that when they focus on something, they go after it with everything in them. 

This reminds you of a conversation you overheard. A man was asking your father to recommend someone to help around during the campaigns period. And he was mentioning names while your father commented on them. All of them were good and had their faults too. Except one guy. Apparently, this one guy, if you told him to go distribute or stick posters in schools, he would do exactly that, even if it meant beating up the principals who stood in his way. Just to put up posters. Obviously that’s not how your dad described the guy but from his description that’s what came to mind. And though funny, you admired the guy.  That he would destroy anything in his pathway , just to do what he was supposed to do. 

And though you don’t have that kind of focus, you now know my priorities. At this point. Not in the future. This lesson has taken you so long to learn. Like its been a long time coming. And its here now. You love where you are right now. You are amazed at where you want to be in the next one month. And in between lies a lot of work. But you feel pity for anything that dares come between the now you love  and the amazing future that you are working towards.
 So help me God. 

So Help me God. 

We like talking about our successes more than the challenges and difficulties we experience. God knows I love my high points in life. My lows are usually also really bad. 

But today I’ll talk about something I’ve struggled with. A blog. And not this one. Courtesy of being here, you know I love writing. Its like the only talent I have. Writing is my way of crying. And laughing. If I tell you a story verbally and I write about it, you might end up thinking they are two different versions. Writing is the only eloquent way of expressing myself that I know of. Its my lifeline. At some point, I even used to write to God. Like I prayed through writing. 

But there is something that fires me up more than writing. Something that I love with the every grain in me. It gives me sleepless nights. Literally. And it’s not traveling. Yet you know how much I love traveling. Hadi I’ve just finished reading an article of a single woman’s struggle to remain sane when everyone around her is getting married, and at the back of my mind I just thought, ” even if I hit 30, or 40 still single – but traveling the world, I don’t think I would want anything or anyone, I would be content”. That’s what traveling does to me. It completes gaps I didn’t know I had. It calls on to me and haunts me. My best friend knows how much I hate borrowing money, even when I have no cent on me. But I wouldn’t think twice, about taking a loan, whose repayment plan I don’t have, to travel. Traveling messes up my insides in a good way.

So what is this that I love more than the things that mean everything to me? The environment. Yeah, you heard it right. I loove what I studied. You wouldn’t want to get into a discussion with me on environmental matters, I just won’t shut up. And the fact that its living ( like our environment is ever changing) makes it different from my other two loves. The grand Canyon is forever there for my taking, while what I know now about the environment will be different in 5 yrs time. Which makes it a ticking bomb. 

I love talking about the environment. It just fires me up. And here in lies the problem. Unless I’m talking to fellow classmates, rarely is anyone interested in the environment. And even those who are, kinda know the wrong thing. I can confidently say this, that the average Kenyan( the guy on the street with may be a degree or diploma) , knows very little on environmental issues. And even that little they know of, is misinformation. I’ve told over a hundred people that I do environmental science. And out of all those( this is minus all who know or have heard of environmental science), only 1 man from my village, who has lived there his entire life, and never schooled past high school, actually accurately described what I do. Just 1. Out of all the people from different spheres of life, different professions etc. 1. 

So I shut up about it. I mean, you can’t meet up with someone and go for hours talking to them about strange things. But you can only compress a volcano for so long. It always explodes. Always. And that is how the idea to start an environmental blog came about. I love writing. And I love the environment. So why not mix them? God knows the excitement that consumed me the moment that idea was conceived in my mind. I didn’t sleep that night. The next day I kept on opening wordpress sites to no avail. Hadi I just opted for Blogspot from Google. It doesn’t look pretty but it works and that is what matters. 

Its been months now. Almost 6 I guess. And guess how many articles down the line? 2. In all those months, with all this passion, with all this free time, 2 pieces. I’ve thought about more articles to write there over a 1000 times. Literally. How many have come to fruition? Two. 

Yesterday as I was listening to some preacher diss Africa, I realized that he had some truths. He said the obvious things though. But things that we rarely take into consideration. You need a vision of what you want to achieve, an understanding of the field you are in and how it works, goals, and the application of all that you’ve come up with. Definitely you need a plan. Needless to say, when it came to my blog, I had nothing. I was treating it as this one, where I write when I want, which clearly only works here. 

So here I am. On my hands I have passion and knowledge that I want to share. I drafted a plan. I have a vision that is quite ambitious from my point of view. But I know that deep down its achievable. In my heart I’m a little scared. They keep on insisting, Just Do it. Do you know how its not easy to just do it?. 

I’m battling all this questions of what if I lose momentum again? What if the goal I have in mind is not sustainable? What do I do to ensure that I stick to my plan? Fine myself? Give myself incentives for work well done? Which one works better, a present or a punishment? Do I call a friend to keep me accountable on publishing in the frequency I have set? Or do I just start? But what if I don’t finish? 
I have so many questions. But one thing I know, is that I can’t live with myself if I let this dream of mine go to waste. If I don’t actualize that blog, and make it a living house, I might forever resent myself. And if there is one person, whose view of me I hold on high esteem, its me. I know I’ll disappoint people on the way. My reputation may not be the best. But I don’t live with people. I live with myself. So I better be in good terms with myself for any semblance of peace in my heart and mind. 

This is the bottom. My environmental blog will never be here again. With 2 pieces. So I guess that’s a good thing. I’m picking up the pieces and forging onwards. I don’t know what it will take to take the thoughts from my head,and transform them to a written article , to a published article and finally to a publicized piece. But whatever it takes, however long it does, it will be done. 

So help me God. 

In the mean time, you can check the first two pieces here and follow us on

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Fare thee well Mwende.


There are bad days. There are good days. And then there is today. When my heart is filled with hope. Of the things to come. I write easily of sad things. Conflicts are easier to explain than what I’m feeling now. But I want to remember this. I want to immortalize it for future reference.  

So this is for me. For my future. 

When the hard times come because they will surely come. May I remember that it is always darkest before dawn. It sounds simple, but from experience I know I always almost give up when victory is really near. May I not wallow in self despair as i’m wont to. May I not fight all the feelings that come with being down there. Because by the end of the day, I’m only human. And humans are full of good and evil. And happiness and sadness are equally important stakeholders in any human’s life. 

When I’m undecided between following my heart’s desire and what seems reasonable, because life will always give me alternatives, may I without thought choose my heart. Because by the end of the day, what’s wealth, prosperity or success if your heart is not it? 

When i feel afraid, may I still forge ahead. Fear is part of the journey. May I not wait for that fear to subside. May this blog’s persistent articles remind me the early times when I didn’t want to post many pieces in a week for fear that in future I wouldn’t be able to maintain that pace. And here we are! 

When push comes to shove, and I’m alone in the path I want to take, may the lack of numbers not distract me. I’ve been here before and it never gets any easy. Charting your own path is never a rosy affair, especially since being human, you want atleast 1 person who gets you. You want to explain yourself coherently. May the lack of understanding act as an encouragement that I’m on the right path. If they understood, it wouldn’t really be my path. 

What that means is that I shall forever have to be my own friend. In bad times, in hopeful times, in torturous moments and in happy moments. At times, especially where my dreams are concerned, I shall be my own critique, my source of motivation, my mentor, my own hater and enemy. So those roles will have to balance out evenly. May I learn to balance between being self dependent and a snob. May I remember that I’m all I have. And this life is the only one I have. May I always have my own back, even when I’m not who i would like to be yet.

And when I take a detour from my journey, may I not beat myself up for it. Instead, may I remember Oprah’s words, that in life there are no mistakes, just detours but by the end of the day, you’ll get to your final destination. May I embrace and enjoy whatever comes out of the diverse paths I shall take. May I remember that my life does not have one single path it was supposed to take, it had a purpose that I was supposed to achieve using my own abilities, personality, experiences, skills and passions. 

And when I feel as if I’ve hit a wall in my path, may I remember that nothing is impossible with my God. 

Speaking of my God, He understands me so well. But times will come when I think whatever He has laid for me is not exactly what I had in mind for myself. May I remember that I didn’t create myself. He did, which means He knows how whatever He is doing with me at any given point in time helps me achieve those plans He has for me. May I also remember that we are in the same team.  May my insecurities, mistrust and fears never put limitations to my faith and what God can do for me. 

When I need refuge, because for sure troubles shall come, when I need shelter, because storms shall be there, when I need help, because I’m not self sufficient, when I need hope, because I shall lose hope, may I run to Him. He has said that He will protect and answer those who make Him their refuge. And on top of that, that those who put their trust in Him He shall deliver you and put you under His wings, you shall fear not. May I always remember that He has done it before for me. And He is doing it again right now, by giving me this hope I’m talking about right now in the middle of an ending season when I don’t know what next. 

And whatever I get to do, may I do it willingly and cheerfully. Life is a journey, there are times I will find things to do that will naturally make me happy or be fun, but others will be mundane and boring. May I remember Mrs. Kamwilu’s words, that happiness comes from within. And that whatever I lay my hands on, even if its sweeping, may I do it as if God is the one coming to walk on that street. May I do all my things, knowing that I’m doing it for my God. May I be faithful with the small, even when everyone around me is grumbling over the same. 

And may i never stop learning. Like Dr.Kirubi says, don’t be a stone in the river, that if you cut open after a hundred years, you’ll find no water. Observe and absorb. May I learn from even the smallest of people. And may I apply what I have learnt over the years. May I respect all indiscriminately even when no one does the same. May I stand up for what I believe in even when the world has new normals. May i not cower or be swept away by the fervor of fitting in when it comes to wrong doing. May I stand to be counted among those who God has raised up in this generation.
And to my dreams, 

May I never forget you. Should i feel lethargic , may I look at Bikozulu and see how he never looses that inner child in him, which is how he ends up fighting for armrests and observing weird things. 

May you still have the capability to give me sleepless nights. May you drive me crazy thinking of how compatible we are. 

May you disturb me when I seem too comfortable in a stop over instead of hurrying to make a home in my destination. 

May i never forsake you even when I can’t see you clearly. May I always remember you. May you haunt me to death should I dare ignore you. 

I have always been a sucker for farewell speeches at the end of a season. But this time round, I just gave myself one. I guess the more you grow ,the more blanket words for everyone stop applying to you. You get specific the higher you move up in life. So this is a farewell speech to Mercy. May she never forget. 

What do you want?


Of late, each time I find myself lost, I ask myself, what would the thirteen year old Mercy have done? Its almost a decade later, but I realize that most probably, that was the wisest I have ever been. Right now I have a lot of experience to show for all the years in between. Today we had a miracle service in church. Yes, I do believe in miracles, life sometimes plays you so rough that it will take a miracle from God to be up and running.
My laziness didn’t feel like leaving me alone to enjoy my youth. But I kept being haunted by this song I wrote here, that we used to sing in class eight. I can still remember the sincerity I sang it with. How I gave myself up to God completely. No second thoughts. I somehow had this deep assurance that He had my back. I’ve been weary of late. Those downs or valleys people are usually talking about in life. They are supposed to be normal apparently. So obviously going for a prayer session in church wasn’t a favorite to Mercy in all aspects.
Have you ever recreated a moment? Or wanted to at least? That’s what majorly took me to church. To once again sincerely trust in where God is taking me. To   once again give my all without a doubt or second thought to the extent that a decade down the line, that memory will drive me back to God. Hoping I will never have left His side anyway. The prayer session was a hundred fold what I expected. God had purposefully called me to attend.
But after taking it all to God, Pastor Steve, kept on insisting, “Ask God for anything,He is faithful enough”. I had brought all my complains, pain and frustrations unto Him. Now I was being asked to ask Him for more.
And that’s the major point of this piece by the way.

What I want scares me. To give you context, I’m in my last semester in the 8-4-4 system. It was supposed to end in April. Which means I was supposed to start applying for internship/jobs (but I hear internships mostly due to the job situation in Kenya) so that if all goes well, by May or thereabouts I intern somewhere as I figure out what next. But as you already know, even the best laid out plans fail. Our lecturers decided to demand for better pay during my last semester.

But the rain had started beating before that. When I left home, I felt as if I didn’t want to apply for anything. But I didn’t think much of it. I mean, sometimes I don’t even feel like doing exams. Moods come and go, right? And by the end of the day what needs to be done, will be done somehow, right? Its been a month now. The lecturers at times seem serious. The government is still playing hide and seek with them. My classmates are anxious. They should be graduating in July. This not knowing is not helping either because you can’t go home while some lecturers are handing out their course content. Staying is a waste of time too. Crossroads.
But as for me, I don’t mind the strike. Majorly because I don’t want to go to the outside world.

And as I figured out what to ask this faithful God, only one thing came to mind. My lack of enthusiasm for applying for internships or jobs was not a mood swing. I simply don’t feel like doing something normal like getting a place to go to everyday and by the end of the month, hopefully, I am remunerated for my services. So why should I apply for things I don’t want? Why should I use my energy to get something and maybe I will be so bored or depressed by the second week that I’ll resign? I’m more of a black and white person. I hate what I hate and love what I love. I simply don’t want normal. Not the want of a wishful thinking. You know the way sometimes kids don’t want to go to school? Not that way. The way you do not want to pursue medicine because your parents said so, so you instead enroll for law. That kind of a serious want.
I want to travel. And yes, I don’t mind a traveling job. But my traveling isn’t limited to a job. If I had a volunteer program to take me across the globe and return me to Kenya at 70yrs of age with absolutely nothing on me, I will have lived my life the best way I could have.
And the ferocity of my want scared me. That standing naked in front of my God( remember I surrendered everything to Him), with a chance to ask Him for anything, only one thing came to mind. Traveling. I thought that was a hobby. And even before when I entertained the idea of fleeing Kenya, it was always on a light note. I have always known that working a daily 8-5 job was not such an entertaining idea, but I had hoped that I would at least be reasonable about it and at least try. At least even get the psyche to apply. Now i do not wish to do anything of the sort. Not even the strength to at least pretend. I have at least 5 applications half filled. Some emails I had sent earlier when I hadn’t thought this through.

And what I want scares me. What I don’t want scares me even more.Adulting was supposed to be realistic rather than idealistic, right? How am I supposed to jump from where I am to a world with no defined path? How am I supposed to explain to my parents that their daughter, whom they have educated fully through the 8-4-4 system, does not wish to get a job, settle down and at least buy a car or get a house like it’s expected of her? That she can’t even get the energy to pretend. Probability is that they will ignore me for now while saying, ” ni phase, itapita tu.
I don’t know. What do you do with yourself when not even you can understand what is going on with yourself? Clearly this isn’t a phase waiting to pass. And that is what scares me. I expected it to be. Had planned on it actually.

What would the thirteen year old Mercy have done? Trust me, this doesn’t get better. She would have done anything in her powers to fulfill her wants. She didn’t have limitations “ati ooh, this or that is what is supposed to be done or not”. She simply wanted what she wanted. I guess some things never go away with age.
Anyway, if one day you wake up and wonder why you stopped seeing blogs from a certain lost soul, just know she listened to her younger self and packed up for Malawi.