Couldn’t think of a title.

There is this uncomfortability that I’m feeling. (Don’t I love making up new words here😄). It just won’t let me be. I’ve tried writing about my day and how it went down, but no, something was missing. I just couldn’t feel me in the drafts i’ve discarded.

So I write this thing making me not write. This newness mixed with oldness inside my heart. Its like I’m having low key labor pains in my heart. Like some part of me wants to come out or be given birth to, but there is no midwife for it. So we struggle alone.

I love how the above can’t be understood easily. Or at all. Because that’s exactly how I’m feeling. Un-understandable.

Its a feeling of being out of my comfort zone. Totally. Like nowadays I say yes to things that make me anxious. I sweat my whole way to there. I barely sleep as my mind turns over possible scenarios.

Then I wake up. I hate loose ends. But there seem to be so many in my life right now. People i can’t black-and-white who they are or where we are. Speaking of black and white, my life has been gray for a really long time now. Dullness mixed with not seeing the next few steps I’m supposed to take.

But now I have to deal with colors. Bright colors. Deep shades of yellows, luminous greens and pink, shouting orange and blood red. And I’m not used to them. I love white only. Clarity. I’ve never known how to exist in rainbows. How to be easy and move with these blindingly bright colors as they move from one to the other. As if my life is an artist’s playground.

Whichever god has taken over my life of late, must be a mischievous one. I wake up worrying about X, i sleep having found a 123 to fantasize about. Its like the lakes buried under my soul are returning to reclaim their place.

My mind feels lost. Which has shocked it to its core. For a thinker like her, she’s used to over thinking everything until issues take their own shape and form that look nothing like the original thought. Now she’s just there. Stunned by weird environments. Curious on what these invaders who are not forceful want with her. She isn’t thinking. But she isn’t not thinking too.

So I try to make sense of this. And I just can’t. What comes after this? What is given birth to from whatever this is?Who do I become as the moving parts in me get reassembled? Everyday seems to have its own itinerary. Its like some program I wasn’t made aware of is happening inside there. I don’t want to know what is. I’m just curious on what next thing I’m saying yes to.

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What is it?

Surges of tiredness. Bouts of lag. I think that best explains my last two months. Not continuously though. I can wake up some days feeling on top of the world. Literally. When my body goes along with whatever my mood is.

While there are days like today, when I wake up with an aching body. Like bones squeaking and muscles in pain. And I just can’t explain what’s up. I’m not sick. And tomorrow I might wake up more tired or my body starts healing slowly. Before we go back to the same process.

I think there is a plausible explanation out there for what i’m going through. And its not depression. Or rather, my being depressed didn’t exhibit such signs before. Depression robs me of enthusiasm for life. It squeezes the life out of the soul. So when I’m depressed, my body just follows my soul’s atmosphere. We stay in bed, not because I can’t get up, but because I see no reason to.

Whatever I’m going through right now is a little weird. Like why would I sleep all okay, then wake up with my back acting like it was carrying sacks of maize for the last few years?

For some reason I believe strongly that there is an explanation for it out there. But uncle google isn’t my friend. The a thousand and one diagnoses i’ll get will leave me more confused than if I had just nursed my ailing body in peace.

This are times i wish I would sleep. Because when my body is acting up, there is always a lot happening in my subconscious. A good nights sleep, like when I don’t struggle to sleep, will see my conscious and subconscious interact, giving me clues as to what is happening.

The moment someone mentions something that isn’t spiritually tied to God, and neither is it tangible reality, then most people brush it off as hearsay.

Yet i’ve seen my dreams speak to me. Not in a ‘this is what is going to happen Manner’. No. Most of my dreams are made up of things I worried about or thought a lot about during the day.

But sometimes they add their own things. Things that when I ask about or research about, or just think about, usually open my eyes more to my life. To things that were affecting me but I was brushing off, or something that needs to be taken care of in my soul.

Its like my subconscious life and conscious life meet to exchange notes at that particular moment. Giving me insight into myself. Something not otherwise possible.

As usual, I don’t know where I was going with this.

Anyway, I’m learning to embrace all parts of me. The ones that seem queer and out of place by the societal rules I thought I was supposed to keep.

And the most weird thing is that, they lose power over me once brought to light and allowed to be. I can breathe easier, admitting that the universe and me have more going on than meets the eye.

Maybe I should just go and see what uncle google says, who knows..if I don’t find a solution to my symptoms, at least i’ll end up more informed on what it isn’t. Or if my stars align, it’ll bore me to sleep😄.

The man and fear.

I was watching some YouTube clip of some man today. I wanted to call him a guy, but that didn’t suit him. He was kinda old. But not the veins-and-wrinkles-in-the-neck kind of old. So we’ll just call him The man.

So the man was talking about something I had an interest in. And he didn’t even start with greetings. You know the way vloggers say Hi and welcome to my channel or my name is this and this. The man didn’t. I repeated the start of the clip, that 0.00 point ,severally, because I thought it was me that wasn’t hearing these greetings.

Anyway, so the man just starts talking. From anywhere. And he keeps on swallowing saliva and catching his breath. He did these severally within the first few seconds. That looked really suspicious. Like kwani how far is the nearest water dispenser? Like why would you start shooting a 35minute clip while thirsty?

But I persevered on. From the title of the clip, the man seemed to have knowledge on something that I needed. So like a good student with a fishy professor, I listened.

Till the man started touching his eyes in that way that signifies, ‘ I really just want to sleep or be out of here’. At that point I paused the video. Like who is holding our man at gunpoint to shoot a video on a seemingly innocent topic? Who are those people? But more importantly who is this man?

I laughed and laughed and laughed some more. At myself. And deleted that clip of the man that I had downloaded to watch later. Coz clearly I wouldn’t be watching the man, now or any later.

But I really found it funny. The places and people that my journey will take me to. I’ve always been pretty cynical. Of people. Who purport to know stuff. Especially nonscientific stuff. Like you don’t have logic by your side.

But i’m also very experimental. I would gladly go to a medicine person when sick to experiment if their traditional herbs work. Or listen to a crazy person to see if their craziness makes sense. I’ll give the most unlikely things or people a shot to see if they are worth it. That nature of mine, though it had been low key for a long time, is slowly coming back.

But no, I wasn’t going to give the man a whole 35minutes of my life when his body language said he would rather be doing something else than explaining to me whatever it was he talks about in that clip.

So i’m really excited about my ‘spiritual journey’. Being experimental i’ve always wanted to know more about other people’s religions, belief’s and the lack thereof. But being a Christian was an impediment to me actualising that. Because I would look at those religions and belief’s from an already biased point of view. And if travelling and reading has taught me anything, it is that there is no ” one way” or “the right” way of things. Some people can’t imagine a polygamous marriage, while others view and feel that polygamous marriages fulfill them.

So now that i’m free, I’ve decided to go on that journey of seeking that I’ve always wanted to embark on. And its already fun in a fulfilling way to begin with.

I actually had something important I wanted to share with you. But I decided to tell you stories. Because I can’t get a way of explaining to you what I want without sounding mythical.

Like if I told you what I’ve found, in the way I’ve found it, most probably you won’t think much of it. Because was I you, I sincerely wouldn’t too.

However, i’ll still try.

Fear. Do not fear. All religions, teachers and what nots have repeated that statement a thousand times. We’ve been told that over and over again. Yet personally I never thought much about it.

Until, right now when i’m beginning to learn, that we attract what we fear. Always. Now, you’ll look at me and say that you fear robbers, but they haven’t attacked you. Or something else that you think you fear, and hasn’t happened yet.

But if you look at the things you have, are or do, and you trace your thoughts, they go hand in hand. Why? Because our thoughts are energies. Any thought you have is an energy. When you fear, what kind of energy are you creating? And when energy of a proportionate amount comes together, it creates matter. Matter is now the outcome you see of your thoughts.

For example, if you take any book written by any “successful” people, all of them emphasize on your thoughts and attitudes. All of them. Whether its a billionaire, the best athletic, the best author, the best teacher, mahatma or Jesus. All of them. And its not coincidence. Because you attract what you think.

Or to put it otherwise, you attract what you fear. Just look into your life, the things you had control over, i’m not talking about the truck that hit you, or the cancer that affected your loved one, if you wish, you can look at corruption in Kenya. Or our bad leaders. We fear corruption so much as a nation, if the anger, bitterness and satire I see after any scandal is anything to go by, that you can be rest assured we’ll have corruption scandals from now on, to the day we stop being afraid of it. Because if my single thought is energy , just imagine how much energy we are creating collectively.

Sounds mythical? Like now she’s blaming corruption on energies? He he 🙂 .

There are so many ways of explaining why we attract what we fear. Just check out your respective beliefs and try and understand why you are told by your teachers or savior to not fear. There is a scientific explanation to it. Various spiritual explanations. Take what suits you. I simply tried to simplify it for you. Because that specific message is the same throughout the world.

But at least if you don’t agree with my ka-lesson, you were entertained by my escapades with the The man..right?

I need a wife. 


They said,

My son,

The work is too much for you-

You need a wife

One who cooks, does laundry and irons for you

One who saves for you,

Advises you on the correct investments,

Gives you money to start a business when you get fired,

Takes loans for you in her name,

Prays for you,

And forgives you when when you cheat. 
Well, I looked at their sons around, 

Their baby-like dependency on another human being,

And thought-

Wouldn’t it be lovely to also have a wife? 

But not a businesswoman and a house help mixed together,

 A wife who is wowed by the lunar eclipse as I am,

Who we’ll travel over mountains and valleys just to see another beach like the one at home

Who we’ll exchange cars as well as we exchange ideas,

Who we’ll drag each other to a dispensary after being tear gassed demonstrating against the government,

Whose body belongs to her- but sharing is highly encouraged, 

Whose mind makes mine looks less insane,

Whose humor is darker than mine, 

Whose ideals we share,

Wouldn’t that just be lovely?
They told their son that he needs a wife, 

I looked at their son- 

At whatever he’s proudly bringing to the table- 

An empty table is all he brings-

And whatever he’s asking to be brought to his table

Everything on earth a human can be and carry-

And I thought, with all this that I have – 

It would be a waste to bring it to their son’s empty table

But it would be a worse tragedy for the woman their son exchanges his emptiness for wholeness with,

So why not do the world a favor,

And marry a wife? 

So see- I need a wife. 

These women..

Growing up, I never had a role model. Like there was no one I looked upto or wanted to be like. But as a child, and a brilliant one at that, after the question, “what do you want to do when you grow up?” Came the question “who is your role model?”. 

So I lied my way through that question the whole time. In class three I heard a class seven girl mention that Ben Carson was her role model. I had no idea by then who that was but I immediately adopted the guy as my role model in case anyone asked. 

But the fact that I had no specific person I looked upto doesn’t mean I had no people I admired. And I think all are women. Like I’ve scratched my brain to try to remember if there is any man I ever looked upto and none came to mind. 

In my career and education I’ve met and heard of many women whose lives had my uttermost respect. And the first woman to have that honor was Ellen Sirleaf Johnson. I remember keeping her picture from class 4 to class 7. My social studies teacher loved mentioning her. And I admired that feat of being the first woman to do something, not just in your country but in a whole continent. 

After her came more women who one way or another got me pysched up to achieve a great feat in my life. Especially our High School alumni. They made me want to go out there( now here) and shine the light then go back to tell those small ladies that its possible; you can be anything you want. 

But what has made me think about all this has been this particular breed of women in my town. Two to be specific. They are beautiful and pretty. They have brains. And they use them in the business world to thrive just like everyone else here. And more than that, they are sensual. They own their sensuality. Like they are sexy and they use that to their advantage. 

You see, all those women I admired before, kinda followed a script: work hard, be disciplined, go after your dreams and remember to put God first. And short cuts are no good. And that worked for them. 

But these two didn’t exactly follow that script. They are not exactly bad girls but they aren’t good girls either. They went to school and studied as much as life allowed them. They worked where possible. And when short cuts or opportunities that good girls may have by passed showed up, they took them. Like marrying into a rich family or going out with a multimillionaire. 

And a part of me is intrigued by that audacity. To just live life with no caution. To not only use your brains but also your beauty. I don’t know where these thoughts are leading to, but I can’t help but respect these two women. And a part of me looks upto them in some way. 

Like do we have to suppress a part of ourselves to go down the hall of fame? Can’t I be everything? Beauty and brains? And will it matter which path I choose to achieve my dreams? And to who will it matter? Like who are those stakeholders in my life that kinda determine the script I follow in life? 
 

Dear Younger Mercy..

Dear Younger Mercy….At 22, let me tell you how your life pans out and lessons you’ve learnt so far. Some will shock you. 

The stars always shine

No one told you 20s are a hard age to go through. They just said they are full of freedom and life shaping decisions. But you will discover in your early 20s, that it will be harder than expected. The rough days will be rougher than you anticipated. Tarmacking will take a hit on you more than you had expected. You’ll cry more than you ever did as a child. Bad days will be more than the good days. Way more. 

But all in all, one thing you’ll learn at 21 that will keep you going on is that; the stars always shine. 

What that means is that even during your lowest and weakest and darkest moments, it won’t be the end of you. And life moves on. And better times come. You reach the peak of mountains and go down to the deepest part of the valleys. But you don’t stick there. You trudge on. The sun won’t last. The moon might not always be visible, but at all times, every single night, the stars always shine. Always. Shine. 

You’ll love someone seriously

I know, you can’t fathom that right now. But one day you’ll wake up and find yourself constantly thinking about a man somewhere. It will hurt. It will be exciting. You’ll worry on whether it will end. How it will end. And how to make it not end. You’ll stop worrying and take a day at a time. Some days will be worth it, some straight from the devil’s handbook. But they call it passion, right?

You’ll let go of your past.

This is will hurt more than anything you’ve ever felt. It will be painful. Full of hurt and frustration. You’ll break. Completely. You’ll be at a loss over how to get back up. You’ll seek for all help you can get. It will try but it won’t help. Until you get back up. It will hurt until it stops. Your wounds will be pried open, till they start healing. You’ll marvel at the you who comes out of it. She’ll be the most amazing woman you’ve ever encountered. 

And just before you get comfortable in her, you’ll break again. Every single form of brokenness will be harder than the last. More painful. You’ll be more alone inside there. It will hurt way more than you think you can handle. But surprisingly, you’ll make it out alive every single time. Remember our first point up there? The stars always shine. 

And its in line with the above point that you’ll learn to forgive people.

It won’t be easy. Forgiving those who intentionally or unintentionally hurt you and caused you to carry baggages not worth it. You’ll struggle. But ultimately, you’ll forgive them and aspire to rise up above the hurt. 

You’ll finish your 8-4-4 with a storm

You know the way very many Kenyans have finished 8-4-4 so its not such a big deal? Well, it will be to you. You’ll be over the moon. You’ll be happy. You’ll celebrate. You made it out. It will feel good to achieve something for yourself. 

Some of your dreams will come true…literally

And i’m not talking about the desires you have in your sober moments. I mean the dreams you get when you sleep. On July 2016 you’ll dream of going somewhere and breaking your teeth. And an year later that will come to pass. That will freak you out. But it will make you take your dreams more seriously. So you’ll continue noting them down. 

And most weirdly, you’ll meet a dream interpreter. Sounds freakish? Hehehe , it will be exciting and scary at the same time. To have someone make sense of your dreams. And a pretty diva while at it( not some old weird woman as one would expect)

God will become your best friend. 

He’ll speak to you. He’ll stay by your side. He’ll hold on to you at all times. 

And you’ll get used to Him. He’ll be the only being you are entirely honest with. You’ll get used to depending on him fully. 

With Him you’ll not be afraid of being too much. Or being too clingy. Or too anything. With Him you’ll find your satisfaction. 

He’ll amaze the hell out of you(or is it heaven?). He’ll floor you with surprises day after day. He would make a great lover that one.

But one thing that will catch you by shock, is that He’ll speak to you. Yes, you didn’t lose that as a child. Sometimes through dreams. But in most cases, through your everyday shenanigans. As you read, as you look at sunsets and as you meditate or doing such kind of normal things, God will speak to you. You’ll never get used to it. God getting that personal that is. So every single time, you’ll be honoured, humbled and overjoyed at the same time. 

Friends

Some whom you thought were gone forever will slide back. Some whom you thought you were strong for forever will drift away. 

Your friendships will change as you grow up. They’ll be fewer. Extremely few. But more meaningful. The you that you become can’t handle small talk or such kind of conversations over and over. You’ll dig in. Not afraid to get your hands dirty. 

And the friendships that you have will be worth it. So extremely worth it. They’ll refresh your soul. Like pure pristine water in the middle of a desert. Such that after you, your friends will come in second. Nothing beats them. After all, some friends stick closer than family. 

On your physical appearance

You’ll shave your hair. Can’t fathom that right now? Ha-ha. You see that beautiful mane on your head, on one calm September afternoon, you’ll walk into a posh barbershop and spa and bring it all down. All of it. 

And you’ll love it.  Completely. You will try keeping hair, but the woman you will have become will not enjoy it one bit. It will be a bother. So every month will see you seat at a barber shop and have it brought down. You’ll experiment with it a little. As your insides allow. And having short hair will be one of the things your 20s gifted you with. Freedom at last. 

You’ll finally appreciate your body. You will learn how to linger a bit longer in the mirror. The Lady that stares back at you defiantly will be a beautiful mess. Don’t worry, you won’t be a fashionista. At least not yet. But slowly by slowly, paying attention to yourself, you’ll discover what works for you and what doesn’t. I mean, who knew you loved beaded accessories? 

You’ll write over a 100 pieces on your blog. 

Yes, knowing how lazy your writer self is, that will be a feat in itself. That will be one of the major triumphs you could give to yourself. Sometimes when you feel so valueless, wondering what you did on earth, you’ll remember that you created over a 100 articles that didn’t exist before. And that will make you happy. Very happy. 

You’ll fail

You’ll try out some things. Some will pick up slowly. Some will not pick up at all. And in some, you’ll cut your losses and admit that you failed in them. In some you won’t even learn lessons from the failures, but the you that finally admits failure will be stronger than the you that started out. Just like a kid, every single fall before they stand doesn’t teach them a new formula about standing, but it strengthens them for when they’ll finally stand and walk. 

You’ll read. 

Your ass will not be satisfied with just seating down and reading blogs. You’ll look for those books. African literature. Spiritual books. Motivational books. Yeah, you heard that right. Your head will be hungry for information. Because inside those  pages, you’ll discover things you could have avoided if only you knew. So to avoid future mistakes like that, you’ll score loads of books. Some you’ll struggle through. But most will leave a mark on you. And slowly by slowly, you’ll move on to your goal of reading a 1000 good books before you die. 

You’ll dream. 

Now not those night things you get when asleep. You’ll sit down and allow your mind to travel far and wide. Then take a pen and note them down. You’ll not limit yourself. No boundaries. And deep down in your heart, you’ll have this niggling feeling that you’ll achieve your dreams, all of them. 

You’ll discover things you don’t know about yourself

Like hiking. And your crush on adrenaline- filled activities will take you by surprise. But you won’t be able to see or read something that induces screams and not want to be there. This will see you get addicted to the boat ride at the Nairobi annual agricultural Show. To date, its the only thing that has ever made you scream. 

You’ll get connected to your inner self. 

I know it seems like such a lost cause right now, but worry not. One day, you’ll break so hard, that the only choice you will have is to go to that grave you buried her, dig it up and resurrect her. She’ll be very vulnerable and not in tune with your older self. But once she’s alive and in you, you’ll understand why people kill in self defense. You’ll protect her with all you have. 

There are so many I would have wanted to tell you younger Mercy, but for now, keep calm and just be. 

Stalking.


I see pictures of you. Breath taking as usual. I’m curious about your life. What happened to you? How has your life been? Have you undergone brokenness so deep you felt like dying? 

In all your pictures you look happy or calm and composed. I’m envious of that. I’m doing good, but I miss being happy. And calm. And composed. But I’m glad you look happy. Looks can be deceiving, but at least they show me that you had enough energy to at least pretend. Sometimes, that energy is all one needs to survive. 

I miss you. And I don’t miss you. I know, that’s complicated. Its just that I’m not sure I want you back in my life. But deep inside there I can feel the excitement and exhilaration you used to give me. And I crave for that. 

However, i’ve changed alot. I can’t say for the better. And I’m sure you’ve changed too. So is the new us compatible? Will I still like you? Am I still supposed to walk on egg shells around you? And assuming we even contact each other, where do we begin from? Where we left off or a new clean slate?

Nowadays I learnt how to live once. How to be open to experiments. To not say no to what I’ve never done before. But I think this one I’ll pass. I’m not strong enough to handle you back into my life. 

So this one I will let go. And observe you from afar. Maybe stalk you every once in a while. And when I grow old, and my daughter has a daughter who hopefully is like me, I won’t tell them about you. You have always been in my heart. And there is where forever you’ll stay.