The elusive light

I’ve lived my whole life thinking that the world is dark. I fought in the dark. I fought the darkness. Then I  got used to the darkness. I made lemonades out of the darkness by learning how to see in the dark. I succeeded in the darkness. 

But there is only as much as one can see and do in the darkness. So I asked for help. Just for the deity to open my eyes. My world wasn’t dark. Its just that I had my eyes closed. 

Sounds simple? Well, that’s how my last few months have been. Specifically how my January has been. I heard someone say, that illiteracy among adults isn’t being unable to read a, b,c ,d but being unable to unlearn ,learn and relearn. 

Its sounds easy. And it is in a way. What is hard is giving myself the permission to start unlearning, learning and relearning. 

And its been an interesting journey. For someone like me who was forever chasing after life, pausing to reset and refill has been the most tranquil thing I ever did. I’ve realised that it wasn’t life I was chasing after, it was myself that I was chasing after. 

I thought I would find me in my career. Or in my profession. And as much as I love what i’m skilled at, I didn’t find her there. I thought I would me in my family. I got lost in other’s lives in the process. Then I thought, surely , I would find me in the eyes of a lover. Love is the greatest. Love can’t be overemphasized. Just to find strangers in the eyes of my lovers. I never found me. And the worst part is, I didn’t know what I was looking for. 

I just had this void in me that didn’t seem to be filled by anyone. I had this thirst that wasn’t allowing me to chase life the way I wanted. I had this heavy heart that wanted what I didn’t know, but it wasn’t agreeing to beat until I brought it what it wanted . I had this mind that was restless, that was fidgeting. It lacked a foundation. Somewhere to stand on. I was in lack. I needed something. What it was, I didn’t know. 

I travelled. I read books. I did what I thought I loved. After all, they said if you do what you love you’ll feel better. And I did feel better. Just not for a long while. All pleasures were temporary. All satisfactions only lasted me till the next thirst. 

Then I thought, why not go to the water of life? He must be able to ensure that I thirsted no more. And on top of that, the bread of life would fill me for life. 

So I gathered my now broken heart, my disoriented mind, my shattered soul, my heaving body and took them to God. Surely, my creator would know what to do with his creation. How, I didn’t know. But somehow I trusted this guy. Somehow I knew He was able. 

So I immersed myself in His word. I even preached His word. I believed His word. I fellowshipped with His people. I hang around them. I agreed with His people’s version of what is wrong and right. I tried my level best to be His good person. An example to be looked upon. I did my level best in what I thought I was to do. God knows I tried. 

What I expected in return, was for my thirst to be no more. For my mind to find a foundation. For my heart to be light. For my soul to be mended. For what I was looking for to be brought to me. It was like a bargain. I do God’s business, He’ll do mine- that’s what they told me. And I believed them. After all, they  looked like they had their thirst quenched. 

But no. Not even God gave me me. I didn’t get what I was looking for in Him. By then I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I felt shortchanged. This God who gives people mansions through faith and makes barren woman sing in joy, didn’t give me what I wanted. Yet I wasn’t even asking for much. Just for my thirst to be quenched. For my void to be filled. 

And after a restless search of looking for what I didn’t know, I finally found it. But it was the other way round. Instead of finding the everlasting water to my thirst, I found the source of thirst. 

All along, I had been looking for me. All those years man! All those marathons I did chasing after satisfaction. All those hikes I did, looking for peace. All those books I read, searching for rest. All those people I shared my heart with, looking for happiness. 

Yet, I had been looking for me. I was missing in action. And my being couldn’t survive without me. Who am I? That person is who I was looking for in God, family and lovers. And instead of finding me in them, I found me in me. 

The me that I’ve found is badly malnourished. She was on the verge of death. She’s sick. Tired. Unlearned. Filled with some toxic things in some areas. Beautiful. Broken. Scarred. Empty. Happy. Melancholic. Intense. Difficult. Stubborn. Interesting. Weird. Amazing. Strong. Frail. She is all that and a lot more. 

So nowadays, instead of chasing life, I nurse me. I laugh at my sister confusing that verse on being unequally yoked with unbelievers to mean the yoke of an egg. I teach myself how to find pleasure in life. I go out of my way to ensure that I have no way that can be said to be mine. I am free. I can be anything and anyone. I watch people’s stories on Engage Talk Kenya and I relate to stories that are way different than mine. 

I look into my world nowadays. That dark world that I was once a pro in. And I can’t recognize anything. Everything is the same yet so new. The cups I thought were cups have now turned to bells. What I used as rags were the most beautiful clothes around. And while I thought I was fully clothed, I was stark naked.

So I unlearn, learn and relearn. And its the most amazing journey I’ve ever been in. Every single day a burden gets lifted. And in its place are beautiful things. My heart is enthusiastic. It isn’t light yet, but we seem to have hit the right spots this time round. My mind is busy working, not to set a foundation, but to demolish the buildings we had made to survive in a dark world. Sometimes the light illuminates dirty corners. And me, myself and I arm ourselves and clean them up. 

I have been in the land of the living for two decades now. At some point I saw no point of living. I have died inside there. And I have been in comas and semi consciousness. I have prayed to the Almighty to not let me die but to live. I have tried all kinds of life giving things I could think of. 

And for the first time in my entire life, I am alive, I feel alive, I want to live and I fear death. 

Some people reach this point automatically in their lives( they’ve just always been alive and in touch with themselves), others reach it after countless decades and experiences, while others like me are forced by circumstances to come into life. I just hope that you get there if you aren’t there already. If you don’t know what i’m talking about, just like me a while ago, your eyes are closed, but you think the world is dark. And if you are already there, I have nothing for you..after all you are already enjoying life in its ups and downs. 

I thought my world was dark, while I was the one with my eyes closed. Now I see the light. 


Young, free and alive. 

As an adult, losing the ability to dream is easy. And regaining it is way harder. 

I was reading something on a lady doing Bikozulu’s writing masterclass, and she said something very interesting. 

When she retires in a few years time, she wants to start baking. And as of now, she has absolutely no idea on the first thing about baking. 

Think about that! Sometimes we dream, but even during those times, those dreams are restricted to what we know or have experienced. 

And I want that. The ability to dream of things I’ve never seen or heard. Of things I’ve never had an interest in before. 

I want that flexibility. Of doing un-mercy like things. When did I get so old by the way? I even have definitions for myself. Which shouldn’t be the case especially at my age with my whole life ahead of me. 

But maybe this is how one gets regenerated and renewed. A new me with a i-can-do-all-things mentality. 

As for now, I need to feel young, free and alive again. 

Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer

Life interrupted by Priscilla Shirer is a book based on Jonah’s life/book. 

We’ve all heard of Jonah and his adventures with the big fish that swallowed him. Its what we know of the guy. 

But in my wildest dreams I wouldn’t have thought of his life journey the way the author has been revealed to. It ceases from being some prophet-who-was-swallowed-by-a-fish-for-3-days to my story. It has opened me up and dissected my point of view eternally. 

The biggest lesson I learnt from it was this; what I consider Life Interruptions are actually  God’s Interventions. You know the way we were living life, having good days and bad days but with a routine of some sorts and a rhythm, then something happens and we start asking, Why and For how long? And for the life of us we just can’t fathom why God would allow us to go through what we are going through. It seems not only painful and hard, but also very unnecessary. Like really God?

And through Jonah’s life we see that God has divinely interrupted our lives for His own reasons. And if His word is anything to go by, then its for our own good. God loves us too much to leave us ‘like that’. Like that meaning- with our current mindsets, way of life and maturity. He desires us to mature in Him, and sometimes, that won’t happen if the status quo in our lives remain. Sometimes that change can only occur when our lives are disrupted. 

There are desert lessons we can’t be equipped with while swimming in the ocean. Survival lessons that can only be taught practically. There are aspects of God that we can only experience and prove to be true while down in pits we are not sure we’ll make out of. 

Which helped me internalize James chapter 1. Count it all joy when you encounter trials of various kinds.. I used to think that verse meant, me going through a hard patch while still having joy in my heart. Like the way patients in hospitals smile or laugh. 

But now I realise its deeper than that.  The moment you understand that trials aren’t God’s ways of punishing you but God’s refinery of molding you, then at the onset of every trial, you will count it all joy for you know that here God comes to make you a better person. 

You remember the way we used to be excited to move from one class to another? The first few weeks of first term were joyful to say the least. But after a while we got used to it. The excitement wore off. And life interruptions/divine interventions are like being moved to the next class in the middle of second term. Just because you didn’t anticipate it shouldn’t dim the joy of moving up. After all, it means your teacher(God) has deemed you learnt enough in your current class to be ripe for the next category. 

I could go on and on about this considering how I whine when I feel as if my life isn’t going the way I thought it should. But slowly God is changing my perception. 

And speaking of perceptions, the author drove her point home concerning Obedience . When Jonah was called to go to Nineveh, he went the opposite direction. Its what he felt like doing. Little did he know that the part God was calling him to play, was a small role in a really big picture. But still, it was an important piece of the puzzle. But did he know that at the time? 

Nope. And that’s us most of the time. God calls us to do something. And out valid reasons( Jonah had really valid reasons to not go to Nineveh -read the book to find out more) , we chose not to do what we’ve been called to do. Little do we know, like Ruth, that maybe that small step on our part will give rise to the lineage of the messiah. 

So what do we do? Do we ask God to show us how important what He’s told us to do is? Like He should rate it on a scale of 1-10? His ways are way above ours. So maybe that smile your spirit nudges you to share might just save a life somewhere. So instead, we should ask God to give us a spirit that yields to him. Because only Obedience is required. 

We don’t know why God has allowed some situations in our lives, but God knows. We don’t know the path our lives will take after this disrupted turn, but God does. We don’t know what God will ask of us tomorrow. We simply don’t know. But we serve an all knowing God. God knows. So as hard as it is, as risky as it does( imagine putting all your eggs in one basket?) , we have to once and for all decide whether we are in or out. 

Because God didn’t want Jonah writing a letter to the Ninevites. He didn’t want him to send one of his buddies who had better oratory skills or had been to Nineveh before. God requires of us to do what He has directed us to do, how He has directed us, when and where. Unlike in this world where the end justifies the means , here the process matters. Its in that process that we encounter God in ways we would never have if we had found shortcuts to our assignments. 

And God is God of second chances. He gave Jonah one. So we don’t despair when we realise that we were running away from God or we disobeyed Him. We ask Him to find us where we are. After all, He can take us back home. Just hope He won’t use the same mode of transport as of Jonah(hehe). 

Overally, Life Interrupted hasn’t been a good book or a nice book. It has been a transforming one. It has rebuked me and corrected me. I can’t count the number of times I’ve stopped in the middle of a page to pray. Its been an intense internal journey. 

I’ve read books that inform me, others dispel myths I had, others make some topics I never understood as clear as the daylight ( like In Christ in School of Prayer by Andrew Murray). But this one went and looked into my heart and made me face some not-so-beatiful mindsets and aspects of my heart I never realized I carried around. 

I would recommend you read it when you are in that space of asking God why. It might work better then. 

What is an effective prayer? 

Before I started reading With Christ in the school of prayer, i remember wondering, what on earth does an effective prayer look like? Like when do I say I am efficiently praying? Because I understood praying isn’t just about asking and receiving. So an effective prayer can’t be just one where you get what you asked for. And I couldn’t grasp my head around what I could call an effective prayer. 

But at least now I have an idea of what an effective prayer looks like. 

Jesus kept on repeating that if you don’t forgive your brother/neighbour, then your heavenly father won’t forgive you. Even in the famous Lord’s prayer, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. 

And that’s where our lesson comes from today. 

How effective our prayers are depend on 2 things;

1. Our relation with God

Of this many things have been said. But the most important for today is, you can’t have faith in God’s scripture/promises coming true unless you have faith in the promiser. Let us check our prayers. How do we ask for things? You know some of these things we do subconsciously. For example, before starting to read this book, when I wanted something so badly, I would go to God and try and explain my case, why I want what I want, then I would quote for Him his word that supports whatever I want, then I would insist on it again. And this cycle goes on for a while, either until i get what I want or I give up on it and move on. 

Now, imagine if I assumed I was talking to my father. Probability is that my conversation with Him would take a very different course. Why? Because how I view and relate with him is different thus how I even perceive his word is different. 

And that is why faith and prayer go hand in hand. To pray you must have some faith. Then your prayer will increase and strengthen your faith. And together they will strengthen each othe

For an effective prayer, you must at least know and understand and have a working relationship with whoever you are praying to. What is your relationship with your father, because regardless of what His word says, your prayer is dependent on how you two relate. 

2. Our relation with men

This is why Jesus said that if you are going to the altar and remember a brother who has not forgiven you, leave your present at the altar and first go and sort out issues with fellow man. That’s how important our relation with fellow men is. That God would have you get out of church to go sort out your issue with your friend/spouse/neighbour first before coming to worship Him. Its that serious.

I know we are told differently. That God comes first. Sometimes this implies leaving some our duties to go to God’s house. Well, apparently, God will forgive you as you forgive others. So is you if you are depending on “Time heals” to forgive that person who hurt you, know that your God is also doing the same to your sins. 

We try and make ourselves presentable when going to God. No wonder you hear phrases like, ” Unanitusi na Leo ni Sunday?“. We have this idea of how we should go before God. Yet when God looks at those 2 hours or prayer, He shall answer them ,not according to how much you pleaded or quoted his word , or how sincere and fervent you were, but by how you spent the other 22 hours of your day. 

I once read somewhere Ernest Wamboye was saying that the bible says that husbands will not have their prayers answered if they mistreat their wives or something of the sort. I thought it a bit harsh. Until I now encounter Jesus telling us to get out of church and first sort out any issues we have with each other before coming to God. I don’t know why this has kinda shocked me. Like how you live your daily life, how you treat those around you, will a 100% affect the reception of your prayers in heaven. Seems I have a lot of food for thought. 

Anyway, the above 2 have at least given me a glimpse of what an effective prayer looks like. Its one offered by a person right with God and right with men. 

To pray is to change. 

Do you take the Bible literally? 

Do you take the Bible literally? Like do you imagine and picture the things that happened, not as stories told so that we can get a lesson from it but actual things that happened? 

I woke up feeling sick, and decided to read something. But I wanted something that resonates with my pain, not an encouragement or you’ll be okay soon kind of thing. And I searched through my mind for a book to read, a christian book to be precise and only 1 book came to mind. Why 1? Coz we Christians live in a perpetual bubble of happiness. We like things being okay, and when they are not we pray and fast that they will be. We encourage each other to hold on because tomorrow will be better. 

Well, I’ve looked at my Bible, looked at my life and realised the idea of us living and looking forward to that happy moment only is first of all unbibilical and secondly, unrealistic. 

Biblically speaking, my cousin was telling me about how Christians are not supposed to be poor. That our God is rich and promises us prosperity and all. She had verses and scriptures to back that up. And a lot of things they had been preached about concerning how for as long as they have God, poverty is not their problem. 

Now, I’m not against wealth. By all means go after your Ferrari. My only problem is, reading the new testament feels like i’m being prepared for war. Literally. My favorite chapter James 1 starts with the guy telling us to count it all joy when we encounter trials of every kind. Our favourite verse, ” I can do all things through Christ…..” is Paul telling us that he has learnt to survive in want and when he had it all. Go to Jesus in Luke as he gives us funny instructions, like giving your shirt to whoever takes your coat, not asking for your goods back from him who takes them away from you, and turning your other cheek to be slapped when one slaps the other. 

Now, maybe you don’t have my cousins view that all Christians are supposed to be rich, but you can’t deny that by virtue of knowing God and having a relationship with God, we expect our lives to kinda be better. After all, all things will work out for our good, right? And if God is on our side who can be against us? And blessed are we who fear the Lord. 

Going back to my first question, do you take the bible literally? Like do you picture the son of Jacob sleeping with his father’s concubine? And that guy being the 12 tribes of Israel that we can recite name by name? Do you realise that Abraham, the father of faith was promised a son by God, and went ahead to try and help God by getting Ishmael? Do we ever consider that when Israelites went to war, defeating armies in the name of the Lord, they were murdering thousands of men?

Has it ever occurred to you that the famous Jericho story, includes a whole city like Nairobi collapsing on its citizens? Do we when we read Noah’s story, see God for who He is? Love and Just at the exact same time? He kills everyone in the world while ensuring that humans don’t perish at the exact same time. 

I have come to associate Kenyans with selective understanding. They will choose which side of a coin to support while ignoring the other side of the same coin. But this isn’t about our ignorant political choices, its about our selective acceptance of God. 

God is Ferocious. God is love. And God isn’t nice. Neither is His job description in your life to make your life nice. But we can’t understand that, unless we take the bible literally. Not as fairy tales told us that end with ” and the moral of the story is”

There is no moral of the story, you are the story. But I think we get scared of looking at the ” bad” parts of the bible. We deem them controversial. We don’t debate on them. We don’t preach on them. We choose which sides of this God to understand, is it a little wonder then, when in our lives instead of accepting poverty, pain, challenges, trials, hardships, pain, betrayal, hurt etc we do everything to get away from them, and in the process waste away a larger part of our lives wishing it away, praying it away, encouraging it away, just doing everything in our powers possible to not live in that moment?

After all, you can’t live in the moment of a hard time when you serve a God who according to you is a God of good tidings. A God of prosperity, of blessings, of working out all things to your favour, of making you do all things through His son who strengthens you. Its impossible. No wonder we find people who ‘ sin’ beyond what we think God allows, getting out of touch with this God of ours. People who go through intense pain, and can’t just relate to this  Happy God of ours. 

I’m not saying all those verses about prosperity, blessings and good tidings aren’t true, I am saying( I wish I could shout this), that even those verses about destruction, hardships, lack, pain, betrayal are also true. And if you look into your life, you’ll see that you experience both sides. Is it a wonder then that the bible has a verse saying it is an active living word? Even the word itself knows that it has everything concerning your life( not just encouraging you towards victory but even on how to live in pain) and it has all you need to know concerning God( not just His love, even His anger- which is real by the way). 

Let us not choose which side of God to know. Ask questions. Why did He let the Israelites be oppressed over and over again? Yet He loved them. Yet they sinned and yet his steadfast love that forgives sin was still there even then. This leads to you..would God allow you to suffer? Or be oppressed? Will it make Him less love? Or will He just be in His elemental character as shown in the bible? 

Don’t be afraid that you won’t still worship Him when you start going down that path. Can the God who created the universe not be able to handle His son who has questions he wants to understand about his father? God doesn’t suffer from a poor self esteem. If He did its either we would not be alive or He would make us worship Him by force. 

I was reading a book called The Attributes of God by Arthur Pink. And one of the points the author raised was that in the beginning God was alone. No heaven, no earth no angels no humans. No one to worship Him. And He was self sufficient. Alone yet okay in Himself. And even after creating us, we didn’t add or remove anything from Him. He was God( when we weren’t there) , He is God( when we are here and confusing His being love and good to being Nice), and He will be God( when we are not there). You remember that question about a chicken on a plane, that hatches an egg, is the plane now heavier? Clearly no weight is added since the egg was in the chicken all along. Same concept. 

The reason we think the way we do, and are preached to the way we are, is because we assume that ,because, God loved us so much that He gave His only son to die for us so that we who believe in Him shall not perish but shall have eternal life, then surely we must be the centerpiece of this story. Which is lie. At least the Bible sends us a different story. Its like assuming that the things God did the Israelites, he did it for them. Yet this God tells it clearly, its all for Him. Your life is for Him. Your existence is to bring glory to Him not for Him to ensure all things work out well in your life. If they do work out, that’s well and fine, if they don’t but have brought glory to God, you fulfilled your purpose on earth all the same. 

We are not the star of this story. God is. And unless we understand who God is, then our role in this story will forever be confusing to us. And understanding God, as much as our minds can allow us to get this incomprehensible God, will include taking our bibles and reading both the good and ‘bad’ or ‘controversial’ according to us and asking the Holy Spirit to help us in our search. 

Do you take the bible literally? Or do we shout amen when it suits us and silently pass over books like Habakkuk where a prophet goes to seek for help for the Israelites and instead God promises intense war on the Israelites? 

In case you are wondering the 1 book I have found is called Amazed and Confused by Heather Zempel.  I’m reading it for a second time and I have the soft copy and willing to share in case you are not afraid of delving into this world of God not being nice. 

God, what about my dreams?

After my graduation, someone I look up to gave me a gift. A book titled Imagine Big by Terri Savalle. When she gave it to me, I was still in this foolish and childish phase of saying that I don’t read motivational books. But I trust her opinion, plus there us no book she has ever given me that didn’t bless me immensely. So because of her, despite the title of that book sounding motivational, I knew I would read it. I was going through a rough phase where reading became a burden rather than something I enjoy doing as usual, so since I’m now out of that wilderness, I’ve just started eading it seriously of late. 

Chapter 1 is basically asking one what you want. Trust me, that sounds easy until you have to get a pen and a paper and write your dreams down. I realised that, that part of me that used to dream died a long time ago. It took me a few days to at least start answering that question truthfully. And so far I’m at number 57 of my dream list. Its been interesting realizing those things that my heart wants. Some I’ve always known, like being an environmentalist worth her salt in Africa, while some took me by surprise like wanting to meet Strive Masiyiwa. Some are borne out of circumstances I went through, like an interview of an institution I really wanted to work in but didn’t get, while some are from curiosity purely. 

Nevertheless, that’s not what I want us to talk about today. Its about faith and the place of our dreams when it comes to God. Today my devotion comes from Romans 4;17-21 which shall take us through how Abraham handled his promise or his dream of a son in his life. 

17. As it is written, ‘I have made you the father of many nations’– in the presence of the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist.18. In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations; as he had been told, ‘So shall your descendants be’. 19. He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead because he was about a hundred years old, or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. 20. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God. 21. Fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. 

1. In the presence of God

Verse 17 tells us that this promise was in the presence of God. And my desire as I write down my list is that all these dreams go hand in hand with what God wants. Which is why Terri in the book Imagine Big insists that one should ask the Holy Spirit to assist them as they imagine their future. I don’t want to craft my own plans outside of God’s will and then come insisting that He blesses them. TD Jakes was preaching the other day that part of our problem is that , God tells us clearly that He has a plan for us. We go out there and make mistakes, get attached to them and then drag them to God asking Him to now make a plan for our mistake or change His plan to include these other result we have as a result of our own doing. You get this clearly from Ishmael’s story. As much as He was not the promised baby, Abraham loved Him and wanted Him to at least get blessed too. So purpose to have your will aligned to God’s will. 

2. God gives life to dead

There might be things I think I’ve lost capability of doing due to one reason or another. But the God I believe in, is in the business of giving life to dead things or circumstances. So don’t rule anything out of your dream list simply because of an incapability. 

God Calls into Existence things that don’t exist

In simple terms, I don’t have almost all things in my dream list nor do I have the means to achieve them. But my God calls into existence things that don’t exist. So my reality is in no way going to put something off my list. There also things I want that don’t exist, literally. You know those things you want to create but have never heard or seen them anywhere? Like if you succeed , you will be the first one in the world to do so? Well, God calls into existence things that don’t exist. He had my back. 

3. Whom He believed. 

We are not told Abraham believed a lot or less. We are just told he believed. So its either you believe in God being able to give you all your dreams or nothing. I can’t believe God will give me a job then not believe that the same God will take me to Malawi. Its either I believe or not. And I choose to believe. 

4. In Hope He believed against Hope

Hope is realistic. For example, after the end of every semester I used to hope I pass the exams. Why, because I had done the exams and there was a chance of me doing well in them. 

But now imagine, hoping I pass my exams when I have never ever stepped into a school let alone an exam room. Is there hope there? No. This are the exact circumstances that Abraham found himself in and that almost all my dreams falls under. Where you are hoping to pass exams when you didn’t sit for any. 

Hope against hope. Faith calls us to go against the kawaida hope that depends on circumstances being right for a chance of things turning out the way you want them to. It calls us to believe that things will turn out well even when the situation that is supposed to be turning out well doesn’t exist. And I choose to hope against hope that my dreams shall come to pass.

5. He did not weaken in faith when he considered His Reality

Abraham looked at his age and at Sarah’s barrenness and did not weaken in faith. A lot of people when you are setting out goals with tell you to be Realistic. Faith goes against and beyond reality. No one will tell me to be realistic about my dreams, not when faith does not consider present circumstances. 

You see, it is possible , very possible actually for faith to be weakened by present circumstances. I’ve been there. When you look around and all you see is a desert and you need water asap. But Abraham’s faith was not weakened, meaning its a conscious choice he made. And so do I, that my faith will not be weakened by my present circumstances or reality. 

6. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God.

Distrust means feeling that someone or something cannot be relied on. It is to doubt the honesty or reliability of someone. 

Abraham choose to never feel as if the promise of God could not be relied on and neither did he regard it with suspicion. Unlike in the above point where its external forces that were in play, this one is internal. This is where people’s words can get into you and make you doubt what you know is true. Its where Satan asks, “Did He really say…?”. Its where shortcuts come in. Like you know you wanted X,and you knew in your heart that God would give it to you, but since God is taking too long, you decide to bribe your way into it. The end doesn’t justify the means when it comes to God. Any son isn’t a fulfillment of God’s word that He will give you a son. And just like Abraham I choose to feel that God’s word, that He will fulfill my heart’s desires, can be relied upon. God is honest and Reliable. 

7. But he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God. 

Now, let’s backtract a little. Abraham knew that God is honest and reliable. His faith was also not weakening due to his reality. So why not stop, isn’t that enough? Well, have you ever heard of this saying, that if you don’t grow, you die? There isn’t an in between of just standing. Its either you are growing or dying. 

This applies in faith matters too. Faith is like currency. If your million bob today can but you a house. And you put it under your mattress, after seven years, the same one million will not be able to buy you the same house. It will have weakened in value. 

Same thing, when God told Abraham He would give Him a son, Abraham must have felt happy. He must have easily believed that word. Then 10yrs pass, his wife and Him are growing way older. They are now almost a century old. Do you think the faith he started with, is enough to sustain his stand on God’s word now when the reality and present circumstances are much worse? Definitely no. Only a stronger faith would stand the test of time.

 So how did his faith grow strong? By giving glory to God. Instead of focusing on his circumstances or himself, his focus was on God. This here is very important, as much as I’m writing and getting excited at my dreams, my focus should not be on my reality or myself but on God. The one who gives me my heart desires. The promise keeper. Otherwise its very easy for my circumstances to weaken my faith and for me to distrust the promises of God. What makes the difference is where I put my focus on. And focusing on God sees my faith grow strong thus making it possible to withstand more harder times ahead. 

8. Fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised. 

Convinced means completely certain about something. 

Fully means a 100% not 99.9%. 

Now you notice that after focusing on God, Abraham now looks at his promise as achievable. The way we love doing our plans is the complete opposite of this. First of all, we confirm if what we want is in existence. Secondly we ask ourselves if we can get it, if its realistic enough. Thirdly we now bring it to God. 

While its actually supposed to be the other way around. First we should ask ourselves, is God able to do what He has placed in my heart and what His word says to me? Then just like Abraham, that matter becomes settled in our hearts. We become fully convinced that God will do it for us, that our dreams will come true. 

And as I wind up, in case you need a soft copy of the book *Imagine Big* by Terry Savalle, just ask me for it. And on motivation books, let’s just say ignorance is a bad disease. And I’m getting well soon( he he). 

About Being. 

Once upon a time I was an uptight person. Rigid. Purely black and white. If you knew me this year and came next year, you would find the exact same person you left, just an year older. I loved routine. I’ve always loved plans. I stuck to the ones I made. My decisions were final. Spontaneity was unheard of in me.

And then I went through a healing journey. Still going through it to date. It entailed stopping right there on the tracks and asking myself, who am I? What is my life? What do I feel about myself, but most importantly, why do I behave the way I do and believe in the things I believe in? Like for example, I hated marriage, there was a 99.9% that I wasn’t going to get married. For the longest time ever I simply thought the reason for that was ‘I just don’t want to’. Until I opened up my past and realised that decision was the end product of the wounds in my heart. 

It was painful. Finding myself that is. I cried for the first time after a decade and a half. I broke. Going back to my past and reliving it hurt more than anything I’ve ever felt. Heartaches are more painful than physical pain. I was vulnerable. I felt like just stopping in the middle of it, but God doesn’t start journeys He doesn’t finish. It was hard. Extremely hard. But I made it through. And there begun my journey into finding myself. 

After that beginning began, I intentionally decided to seek myself out. To know me. What does she like? What drives her crazy? What makes her angry? Who is she? What kind of a person is she? What’s her personality? What makes her cry? What does she enjoy doing? What can you get her as a gift? 

The things I previously thought I liked; some disappeared, while others got more defined. Like travelling for example, I realised that I love doing adrenaline-filled activities and that I would rather stay in a village somewhere in Malawi than in a 5 star Hotel. I loved writing, but this time round I discovered that I can barely write at someone else’s rules or directions. I simply write for myself. And on and on the discoveries went on. 

But the most beautiful thing that came out of it, something I did not anticipate or even imagine, was that I fell in love with myself. The person I discovered inside myself was the most beautiful soul I had ever encountered. I realised that this time round, I would choose my authentic self over anyone in the world. This time I did not love myself because we are supposed to, but because I chose to. That I love myself became a decision I made out of logic, not feelings or emotions. Not because feelings or emotions are unimportant but they are not permanent. That the only other being I would put ahead of myself and what I wanted was God. I became my number 1 support system. I chose me. And that was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

It paved way to an enjoyable life. My uptight self didn’t enjoy herself. But was I to go back to that time in my life, I would be that rigid person again. Because given depression and the baggage I was carrying around , I needed a fixed way of living to survive a day. That me back then was necessary for the kind of brokenness that I was. My heart and mind and soul were so lost that I needed some sort of order in the external life. Its what kept me going. So I wouldn’t demean the me I was back then. 

Except that now, I’m changing. Like forever changing. I’ve realised that I am so many things. The me I am now will be different from the one you meet next year. Some things will be similar while others will have been discarded. Every day I strive to make my life better. I’ll only be this young once. So I make decisions that are right according to me at the moment. I trust myself more. 

Only problem is, people love definitions. They would like to know you as being x, y and z. So they’ll act surprised and shocked if they ever find you as a,b and c. Like you’ve betrayed them somehow. Its like you were supposed to remain what they knew. 

The reactions I got this past week made me think. Not about myself, but how we perceive things. I’ve never applied make up in my life before last week. Reason being? I had no particular reason. Yes, there actually things I don’t do simply because I don’t. But people interpret that as , you not liking/approving of those things. So last week we were idling around with my cousin. Rather, I’m the idle one here (he he). So we decided to apply Mercy make up. None of us knew what to expect. 

But the me that got out of that experiment looked different. Very different but Good. I liked her. And so we’ve been playing around with make up on me after that. 

The reactions I was telling you about? Half of my friends were pleasantly surprised. Quarter didn’t know what to say. And half of the remaining quarter didn’t approve. It went against the me they had in their heads. 

Now before you tell me not to care about what other people say, I would like you to get a lesson from it. Who are you? What do people say you are? If I encounter you next year, will you still be the same? If what we knew about you ten years ago is still what we’ll know about you ten years to come, then you have a problem. Grow. And as you remove yourself from the box you’ve put yourself in, remove others too. Give them space to be what they want to be when they want to be. 

Now incase you are wondering whether I’m against Consistency, which is a good thing in itself, I’ll draw us to learn from God about just being. God is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. This is not some pastor’s interpretation of His word, God Himself says so. That He never changes. That He is the same. That God told Joshua that He would be with Him the same way He was with Moses. If you look at Joshua’s life, do you see Him being like Moses in any way, besides both being leaders chosen by God? Their lives are different. Yet God kept His word. Same God, two humans, He is with both of them equally but different manifestation of same God in both lives. 

That’s my point. That who you are remains the same. The 5 year old girl is still alive in me. But what that me does in every situation and stage of life is different and should be so. You can’t make the same decisions during sunshine as during a flood. So today I look at myself, and seek to know the ever changing me, while removing others from any box I might have placed them in. Go out there and just be you. Just be.