Graduation 

Everyone  keeps  on asking me how my graduation  was.  And I don’t  know exactly  what to tell them because  I finished all words there. But I’ll try,  maybe write about people’s  reactions  to it.  Or things that I’ll remember  I felt.  

Losing your mother or someone  you love is one of the most scariest thing in the world.  So Kenyatta University  finished their ceremony  quite early or at the time they had said they will,  so we all got out at the same time thus blocking  or jamming the network  systems.  I couldn’t  get through  to her via  phone. I start wondering,  “knowing my mother,  what would she do in this situation? Where  can I start looking for her? “. For around 30minutes  my heart was kinda beating too fast.  I knew she was there somewhere.  But I felt lost without  her. As I grow older am beginning  to think that I’m depending  on my parents more emotionally,  which  I thought  shouldn’t  be the case. Aren’t  we supposed  to be weaning ourselves  off our parents now? 

My graduation  party made me realize  how loved I am.  Not that I didn’t  know that before,  but how many times,  do I get my friends from all spheres of life in one room?  I’m not famous  nor do I have many friends,  but the few I went on collecting along the way are people I can depend  on.  And I thanked God that I have at least one friend from every place I went  to since I was young.  I felt an outpouring  of love from everyone  who came. Feeling loved is a feeling one can’t  get used to.  

Of all people  that spoke,  one stood out for me.  His words were simple:work hard first and you’ll reap the benefits  of your work later.  And I understood  that really  well since he used an example in my life. He also advised  me to get any job. Not to be too choosy when starting  out.   And sincerely speaking,  when I finished campus,  I wanted  an environmental  job alone,  nothing else,  but as he spoke I realised that maybe it’s the fear that I might love  something  else out there that is holding me back.  Like what if I end up realising how much I love accounting and here I was insisting on only working in what I think I know? I hope I don’t  forget his words. 

What stood out for my friends from here,  was my sister. They kept on commenting  on how different  we are.  I’m an introvert. My sister is a sanguine-extrovert for lack of a better word.  She does not keep quite at all.  I’m used to her so I’ve never realised how different  we are from each other until people starting acting shocked  that we are real sisters. The difference  between our personalities  is huge. Plus she has guts for days. 

 

From my parents  side,  I don’t  think they expected my friends from church and generally in life to come.  My parents  were awesomely surprised.  But after all  that, he kept on asking me,  Hakuna mwingine more special than that? I’m 22yrs and they’re  already  asking for a boyfriend, like really? 

Someone  asked me how it feels like to graduate.  For me I was just happy.  It’s like finishing  a season,  but sasa you finish it with an official  celebration.  I finished school two months ago,  but now the whole graduation  thing is more symbolic of that.  It felt good taking graduation  pics knowing that our house will have that picture  on the wall.  It felt good seeing my parents happy.  And KU seemed to be happy to let us go(hehe).

But most importantly  my graduation  day gave me hope.  Hope that however way my life turns out, all shall be well.  I learnt  that from looking at my parents  and friends  who came,  especially  the older ones.  Life had played them different  cards,  but here  they were,  content or satisfied  with the progress they had made and definitely  moving forward.  I got hope that I would see a better tomorrow. That my better days are ahead of me.  That though  I’m at the bottom of the life grind,  what I do now matters. And as some preacher once told us,  we as humans always want to know why we do the things we do and if they matter in the larger scale of things.  So knowing that starting at the bottom and how I start matters,  encouraged my spirit.  

Graduating opened my mind to New things. Like taking photos.  I’ve always  had a thing for photographers. Like they are people I admire. But I’ve always done that from afar.  Until we went with my friends  for a photoshoot before the graduation  day.  And as our photographer  was taking pics of someone else, another classmate  came with a Nikon camera.  So my friend,  decided  to take pictures  of us.  And they turned out really well,  yet he is not a photographer.  He made me realize that even I can learn and improve  on my skills of taking pictures.  Plus I now have a good camera phone,  courtsey  of my graduation party,  so I could as well put it into use. 

Things worked out for my good.  Planning for something  is tiresome  and gruelling.  Or so I realised.  Tiny things worry me.  I kept on worrying about one thing or another before the graduation  day. Yet it all turned out well.  I guess this is a lesson for the future me.  That I should just go with the flow and  stop stressing.  

I thank God for the day that was, and the season that ended.  It was nice when it lasted.  And I’m trusting God for the season  I’m entering.  I know He’ll never leave me nor forsake me.  And of late God has been ‘bembelezaing’ me for lack of a better word.  I don’t  know  why.  But He is very specific  and intentional when it comes  to encouraging me in situations  or just holding my hand using other humans. And I appreciate  Him for that. I’m almost saying that I can’t  wait for what He has in store for me,  but knowing God,  I know I’m in for surprise after surprise.  I let Him take care of me in campus,  and He did a splendid  job out of it.  But He is telling me to forget the former things and behold what He is doing anew.. Trust me,  it’s the most exhilarating  feeling in the world,  when  the king of kings tells you, to wait for Him. Anakuja.  Though those are stories  for another day. But I’m still  waiting on God.  

I thank all my friends that  showed up physically  and in absentia, the love was felt.  I’m grateful to my parents,  may I forever make them feel proud.  I thank my relatives,  there are some  who never lack in any ceremony  of one of theirs. And I thank God. He did it for me.  

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It all begins at this end..


There is a lot of silence and noise in my head. They are being nice to each other. Taking turns to occupy the seat that is my thoughts. I know how to deal with silence. I flow with it. I soothe the pain, hurt or boredom. I slowly befriend it till it seeps out. 

I also know how to deal with noise. I look for a quiet place and let the noisy thoughts have a field day. I travel to a far away place, and let the sound of the engine soothe my demons. I look at new places and show the noise that my life is more than whatever is making it rant. And i come back alive. 

But both noise and silence? I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t remember them ever coming together. But anyway, this is the biggest transition in my life so far. From school to the outside world. And for once I can understand all the damn emotions running through me even if I don’t know how to deal with them. 

The silence is made louder by the farewell speech everywhere around me. I’m leaving my friends. The people I’ve seen almost daily for the last 4yrs. Some I didn’t know them very well. Others were just there. While others we went through trials and tests. At first I couldn’t get why everyone was so emotional. I mean, we are adults now. And we are Kenyans. Probability of us bumping into each other is quite high. 

Until I realized, that its not the friendships we are bidding farewell to. Its that way of life. Its that stage of life. Its that phase that’s gone forever. One of our lecturers refers to campus as ” the honeymoon”. And its now done. Whether or not we meet is inconsequential. It will never be the same again. That carefree lifestyle is gone. Never to come back. And that farewell is a hard one. 

The silence in my head is filled with memories of the change that has occurred in the last 4yrs. I’m proud of Me. The woman she has become. I got a temporary tattoo at the spur of the moment two days ago. In my head, I knew I would regret this decision the next day. And it was a delicious surprise to wake up and be obsessed with this badly drawn image on my left hand. And I knew right then, that I will get another one. A more beautiful one this time round. The me that came to campus would never consider earrings let alone tattoos. I don’t remember her ever being spontaneous. I don’t know how to describe it, but I love the person I am becoming. And if there is a change I am grateful for, it is from being a person who never considered her own feelings to one who would take a bullet for herself before anyone else. 

The silence is for the missed opportunities. The mistakes I’ve made. The heart’s I’ve broken. The friends I didn’t get too close to when I should have. The affairs I stayed aloof from instead of meddling. The moments I held myself back instead of plunging in. The times I stayed on the beach instead of going into the deep sea. The things I wanted but didn’t want them enough to die for them. The emotions I wasted on my parent’s bad marriage. The a million times I judged myself harshly. The a thousand times I didn’t let myself be. The a hundred times I followed what I thought is meant to be instead of what I sincerely wanted it to be. The tens of time I followed others just to find myself in holes.The times when fear of ‘what if’ gripped me back from trying out something new. 

All the above are fleeting thoughts in my head when it is silent in there. They creep in and show me all those things from a bird’s eye. And unlike before, they don’t cause pain or hurt or a feeling of loss. They simply show me that I had other alternatives. That there were better ways of doing things. 

And above all that, the main lesson I’m learning from my ‘regrets’ is that its better to jump off a cliff and break your legs, than stay on the cliff and forever wonder what would have happened if you had just jumped. 

The noise in my head is of what next. Weirdly enough, I know what I want. Its the first time ever that I’m finishing a part of the 8-4-4 knowing what I would desire for the next phase. And though its been a few days since officially finishing my semesters, I can feel the pressure to be independent mounting on me. 

I can feel it in the dream my parents have for me, which though heavenly, is not what I want. I can feel it when it takes me to have 0 bob on me to ask for money. I’m tired of depending on my parents. At least for my own dignity I need to be able to feel and clothe myself if nothing else. I can feel it when I look at my timeline, and working doesn’t seem as tiresome as it once seemed. I can feel it in the way I want to just live alone. 

The noise in my head comes in the form of job and internship applications. And in the way I have so much to say yet so little when it comes to this. Will I get my first job through those applications? How efficient are they? How many applications do companies get for every one position they advertise? How much hope should I put into every application?

The noise is brought about by change. For the first time in my life I’m doing what I want. And obviously its not going down well with important stakeholders in my life. But I love the excitement the committee in my head has when I give it free reign. I love the adrenaline rush I nowadays get when I’m doing something un-mercy like. I didn’t know there was that much pleasure from simply disobeying your laws of comfortability. 

I love the God I’m discovering. Sincerely speaking, my idea of who God is 4yrs ago bares almost no similarity with the God I’ve come to know. I’m now one of those ‘spiri’ people I totally disliked in high school. They seemed to have this constant joy around them-which I deemed fake. They read the bible alot – which I thought unnecessary. They hang out among fellow ‘spiris’- which I regarded as snobbish. I’m now one of those characters that the high schooler I was totally disliked. 

I’ve been unable to write for a while. I write alot when in conflict. Or the extreme opposite. I’ve never had both at the same time. For a while now I haven’t been able to process my thoughts. The silence is insisting on being left alone to just be. The noise is clamouring for a holiday. I want both. To just be and to take a holiday. The fact that I can write right now means that at least the fog is lifting. There is hope. Hope for what I don’t know. 

This feels like having a fire die out. And ice pile up. Next to each other. I guess this is what the end of an era feels like. Joy and excitement. Apprehension and anxiety. The end and the beginning. Or rather, the beginning at the end. 

I don’t know how this phase of my life will take me. But as is the norm, I’ll share it with you. And from the deepest part of my heart, I appreciate you for passing by. Especially if you read to the end. I don’t think if I wasn’t me I would find me interesting. So get my heartfelt thank You. If you weren’t here I would still write. But the fact that you are here makes this journey lighter. Thank you!