Everyone  keeps  on asking me how my graduation  was.  And I don’t  know exactly  what to tell them because  I finished all words there. But I’ll try,  maybe write about people’s  reactions  to it.  Or things that I’ll remember  I felt.  

Losing your mother or someone  you love is one of the most scariest thing in the world.  So Kenyatta University  finished their ceremony  quite early or at the time they had said they will,  so we all got out at the same time thus blocking  or jamming the network  systems.  I couldn’t  get through  to her via  phone. I start wondering,  “knowing my mother,  what would she do in this situation? Where  can I start looking for her? “. For around 30minutes  my heart was kinda beating too fast.  I knew she was there somewhere.  But I felt lost without  her. As I grow older am beginning  to think that I’m depending  on my parents more emotionally,  which  I thought  shouldn’t  be the case. Aren’t  we supposed  to be weaning ourselves  off our parents now? 

My graduation  party made me realize  how loved I am.  Not that I didn’t  know that before,  but how many times,  do I get my friends from all spheres of life in one room?  I’m not famous  nor do I have many friends,  but the few I went on collecting along the way are people I can depend  on.  And I thanked God that I have at least one friend from every place I went  to since I was young.  I felt an outpouring  of love from everyone  who came. Feeling loved is a feeling one can’t  get used to.  

Of all people  that spoke,  one stood out for me.  His words were simple:work hard first and you’ll reap the benefits  of your work later.  And I understood  that really  well since he used an example in my life. He also advised  me to get any job. Not to be too choosy when starting  out.   And sincerely speaking,  when I finished campus,  I wanted  an environmental  job alone,  nothing else,  but as he spoke I realised that maybe it’s the fear that I might love  something  else out there that is holding me back.  Like what if I end up realising how much I love accounting and here I was insisting on only working in what I think I know? I hope I don’t  forget his words. 

What stood out for my friends from here,  was my sister. They kept on commenting  on how different  we are.  I’m an introvert. My sister is a sanguine-extrovert for lack of a better word.  She does not keep quite at all.  I’m used to her so I’ve never realised how different  we are from each other until people starting acting shocked  that we are real sisters. The difference  between our personalities  is huge. Plus she has guts for days. 


From my parents  side,  I don’t  think they expected my friends from church and generally in life to come.  My parents  were awesomely surprised.  But after all  that, he kept on asking me,  Hakuna mwingine more special than that? I’m 22yrs and they’re  already  asking for a boyfriend, like really? 

Someone  asked me how it feels like to graduate.  For me I was just happy.  It’s like finishing  a season,  but sasa you finish it with an official  celebration.  I finished school two months ago,  but now the whole graduation  thing is more symbolic of that.  It felt good taking graduation  pics knowing that our house will have that picture  on the wall.  It felt good seeing my parents happy.  And KU seemed to be happy to let us go(hehe).

But most importantly  my graduation  day gave me hope.  Hope that however way my life turns out, all shall be well.  I learnt  that from looking at my parents  and friends  who came,  especially  the older ones.  Life had played them different  cards,  but here  they were,  content or satisfied  with the progress they had made and definitely  moving forward.  I got hope that I would see a better tomorrow. That my better days are ahead of me.  That though  I’m at the bottom of the life grind,  what I do now matters. And as some preacher once told us,  we as humans always want to know why we do the things we do and if they matter in the larger scale of things.  So knowing that starting at the bottom and how I start matters,  encouraged my spirit.  

Graduating opened my mind to New things. Like taking photos.  I’ve always  had a thing for photographers. Like they are people I admire. But I’ve always done that from afar.  Until we went with my friends  for a photoshoot before the graduation  day.  And as our photographer  was taking pics of someone else, another classmate  came with a Nikon camera.  So my friend,  decided  to take pictures  of us.  And they turned out really well,  yet he is not a photographer.  He made me realize that even I can learn and improve  on my skills of taking pictures.  Plus I now have a good camera phone,  courtsey  of my graduation party,  so I could as well put it into use. 

Things worked out for my good.  Planning for something  is tiresome  and gruelling.  Or so I realised.  Tiny things worry me.  I kept on worrying about one thing or another before the graduation  day. Yet it all turned out well.  I guess this is a lesson for the future me.  That I should just go with the flow and  stop stressing.  

I thank God for the day that was, and the season that ended.  It was nice when it lasted.  And I’m trusting God for the season  I’m entering.  I know He’ll never leave me nor forsake me.  And of late God has been ‘bembelezaing’ me for lack of a better word.  I don’t  know  why.  But He is very specific  and intentional when it comes  to encouraging me in situations  or just holding my hand using other humans. And I appreciate  Him for that. I’m almost saying that I can’t  wait for what He has in store for me,  but knowing God,  I know I’m in for surprise after surprise.  I let Him take care of me in campus,  and He did a splendid  job out of it.  But He is telling me to forget the former things and behold what He is doing anew.. Trust me,  it’s the most exhilarating  feeling in the world,  when  the king of kings tells you, to wait for Him. Anakuja.  Though those are stories  for another day. But I’m still  waiting on God.  

I thank all my friends that  showed up physically  and in absentia, the love was felt.  I’m grateful to my parents,  may I forever make them feel proud.  I thank my relatives,  there are some  who never lack in any ceremony  of one of theirs. And I thank God. He did it for me.  


It all begins at this end..

There is a lot of silence and noise in my head. They are being nice to each other. Taking turns to occupy the seat that is my thoughts. I know how to deal with silence. I flow with it. I soothe the pain, hurt or boredom. I slowly befriend it till it seeps out. 

I also know how to deal with noise. I look for a quiet place and let the noisy thoughts have a field day. I travel to a far away place, and let the sound of the engine soothe my demons. I look at new places and show the noise that my life is more than whatever is making it rant. And i come back alive. 

But both noise and silence? I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t remember them ever coming together. But anyway, this is the biggest transition in my life so far. From school to the outside world. And for once I can understand all the damn emotions running through me even if I don’t know how to deal with them. 

The silence is made louder by the farewell speech everywhere around me. I’m leaving my friends. The people I’ve seen almost daily for the last 4yrs. Some I didn’t know them very well. Others were just there. While others we went through trials and tests. At first I couldn’t get why everyone was so emotional. I mean, we are adults now. And we are Kenyans. Probability of us bumping into each other is quite high. 

Until I realized, that its not the friendships we are bidding farewell to. Its that way of life. Its that stage of life. Its that phase that’s gone forever. One of our lecturers refers to campus as ” the honeymoon”. And its now done. Whether or not we meet is inconsequential. It will never be the same again. That carefree lifestyle is gone. Never to come back. And that farewell is a hard one. 

The silence in my head is filled with memories of the change that has occurred in the last 4yrs. I’m proud of Me. The woman she has become. I got a temporary tattoo at the spur of the moment two days ago. In my head, I knew I would regret this decision the next day. And it was a delicious surprise to wake up and be obsessed with this badly drawn image on my left hand. And I knew right then, that I will get another one. A more beautiful one this time round. The me that came to campus would never consider earrings let alone tattoos. I don’t remember her ever being spontaneous. I don’t know how to describe it, but I love the person I am becoming. And if there is a change I am grateful for, it is from being a person who never considered her own feelings to one who would take a bullet for herself before anyone else. 

The silence is for the missed opportunities. The mistakes I’ve made. The heart’s I’ve broken. The friends I didn’t get too close to when I should have. The affairs I stayed aloof from instead of meddling. The moments I held myself back instead of plunging in. The times I stayed on the beach instead of going into the deep sea. The things I wanted but didn’t want them enough to die for them. The emotions I wasted on my parent’s bad marriage. The a million times I judged myself harshly. The a thousand times I didn’t let myself be. The a hundred times I followed what I thought is meant to be instead of what I sincerely wanted it to be. The tens of time I followed others just to find myself in holes.The times when fear of ‘what if’ gripped me back from trying out something new. 

All the above are fleeting thoughts in my head when it is silent in there. They creep in and show me all those things from a bird’s eye. And unlike before, they don’t cause pain or hurt or a feeling of loss. They simply show me that I had other alternatives. That there were better ways of doing things. 

And above all that, the main lesson I’m learning from my ‘regrets’ is that its better to jump off a cliff and break your legs, than stay on the cliff and forever wonder what would have happened if you had just jumped. 

The noise in my head is of what next. Weirdly enough, I know what I want. Its the first time ever that I’m finishing a part of the 8-4-4 knowing what I would desire for the next phase. And though its been a few days since officially finishing my semesters, I can feel the pressure to be independent mounting on me. 

I can feel it in the dream my parents have for me, which though heavenly, is not what I want. I can feel it when it takes me to have 0 bob on me to ask for money. I’m tired of depending on my parents. At least for my own dignity I need to be able to feel and clothe myself if nothing else. I can feel it when I look at my timeline, and working doesn’t seem as tiresome as it once seemed. I can feel it in the way I want to just live alone. 

The noise in my head comes in the form of job and internship applications. And in the way I have so much to say yet so little when it comes to this. Will I get my first job through those applications? How efficient are they? How many applications do companies get for every one position they advertise? How much hope should I put into every application?

The noise is brought about by change. For the first time in my life I’m doing what I want. And obviously its not going down well with important stakeholders in my life. But I love the excitement the committee in my head has when I give it free reign. I love the adrenaline rush I nowadays get when I’m doing something un-mercy like. I didn’t know there was that much pleasure from simply disobeying your laws of comfortability. 

I love the God I’m discovering. Sincerely speaking, my idea of who God is 4yrs ago bares almost no similarity with the God I’ve come to know. I’m now one of those ‘spiri’ people I totally disliked in high school. They seemed to have this constant joy around them-which I deemed fake. They read the bible alot – which I thought unnecessary. They hang out among fellow ‘spiris’- which I regarded as snobbish. I’m now one of those characters that the high schooler I was totally disliked. 

I’ve been unable to write for a while. I write alot when in conflict. Or the extreme opposite. I’ve never had both at the same time. For a while now I haven’t been able to process my thoughts. The silence is insisting on being left alone to just be. The noise is clamouring for a holiday. I want both. To just be and to take a holiday. The fact that I can write right now means that at least the fog is lifting. There is hope. Hope for what I don’t know. 

This feels like having a fire die out. And ice pile up. Next to each other. I guess this is what the end of an era feels like. Joy and excitement. Apprehension and anxiety. The end and the beginning. Or rather, the beginning at the end. 

I don’t know how this phase of my life will take me. But as is the norm, I’ll share it with you. And from the deepest part of my heart, I appreciate you for passing by. Especially if you read to the end. I don’t think if I wasn’t me I would find me interesting. So get my heartfelt thank You. If you weren’t here I would still write. But the fact that you are here makes this journey lighter. Thank you!

Farewell 3.( To the previous me)

 I can’t remember how I looked like with long hair. Yesterday as I was passing in front of a mirror, I didn’t feel the need to look at myself, because I knew how I looked in the clothes I had worn. But as I peered into my face, I couldn’t think of me ever looking any different. Yet for over two decades, I looked the same. Its only now that I look different. 

And that’s the thing with the kind of change that is taking place nowadays. Its feels permanent. Like I’m becoming a new person who was always meant to be this person. Nothing on the outward is changing, yet everything on the inside is seen from a changed perspective. 

I read a well written piece two days ago. And that man’s words seemed to flow like a river that knows how to take all the right turns. The way his words followed each other had something sensual in them. Something seductive. And they kept on flowing and flowing. I love music and I don’t necessarily need to know the lyrics of a song to enjoy one. But his words were lyrical in a strange way. They caressed my eyes and soul. And for the first time in my life, I was able to enjoy a writing without wondering about the writer or his skills. I didn’t even know or care to know whether it was written by a man or a woman when I was reading it( but you always know Nigerian writing). And I enjoyed enjoying that piece of heaven. 

I laugh at silly things. For the longest time ever, I’ve always found that like a small ka-weakness. Until you don’t laugh for a while and you begin to appreciate the power of laughter. I have laughed a lot this week. Over serious things, lovely jokes but mostly silly stuff. And I have loved the happiness that flows inside a laughter. And I have learnt that laughter, sincere laughter, is easily , very easily a thing to stop doing. It only comes when you allow life to flow through you. And nothing to stick on the surfaces within you. 

As I look to the girl who came to campus four years ago, I see traces of the woman I am now. Her dreams are still intact, but the timing and the way to go about it has changed completely. The things she enjoys are now more pronounced. Her soul is a whole lot lighter. Her spirit is more of a fighter now than a gentle one. She let’s go easily now, and that’s a really big good thing to have happened. She is present now. And that matters when the only thing she knew to survive was to be absent. 

They say the only thing constant thing in life is change. And I think how you handle that change makes all the difference between a happy you and a tired you. Change is painful. At least in most times. It drains you of energy. It makes you question the chances of your survival. It makes you question your strength. Who you are and who you are becoming and who you will be. 

But if I was to write a letter to the 18yr old me. I would write nothing. I would let her wallow in change that she doesn’t understand. In pain that feels like it won’t leave her alive. In troubles that only her can understand. In worries that weigh her down. In fake smiles and hollow laughter. In doubt and confusion. In paths that leave her in places where she can’t see behind nor the future. 

Because that torturing pain is the process that led to the woman I am becoming. And I love this woman more than any human being. I love her so fiercely that I would gladly take a bullet for her, and willingly be the one holding the gun if only for her own good. 

A friend of mine looked shocked when I mentioned my ex/exes. She found it very weird that the woman she now sees once allowed herself such kind if frivolities. And inside I laughed along with her, because I also can’t seem to remember the me that took part in some of those things. And I seem to have many of those nowadays. Jokes with myself. Where I think of something and the inner me finds it very funny. And I think its cool. Being so cool that the inner you finds you humorous. 

And this is one of the happiest farewells. To the little uncurious girl that I was. To the sure science inventor that I thought I would be as a nine year old( I may not be an astronologist, but I did end up being a scientist, close enough? No?). To the numb teenegar I was. To the confused and depressed 18-21yr old. Fare thee well. You are the reason for the pure laughter I have enjoyed this week. And trust me, its been worth the trouble. 

And when He said, that all things will turn out for my own good, He meant it. 

Farewell 2.( Friendships)

I’m scared of the inevitable. I’ve been here before. At the beginning of the end. I’ve grown up a little bit. I know better than to dread the inevitable. Life has made me taste honey, but it has also made me taste ‘shubiri’. I’ve gone through lots of emotions. Mostly sad ones. I’ve been alone most of those times. But in the middle of the deserts, roses have appeared in the form of friendships. 
I don’t think I was born with a strong instinct to protect and adore friendships as much as I do. It was born out of being all too familiar with black lonely holes that never end. Out of losing everyone who I cared about when I just thought we were getting permanent. I’ve built walls that not even God got inside. I know too well the feeling of being alone in a crowd. The concept of friendship to me has been borne out of hardship, struggles and pain.

But life is never that hard. Once in a while, at least everywhere I go, I find that one person or people who I can call friends. The ones I laugh so hard with till my ribs ache. The ones we complain about life to each other. The ones we go for lunch together. The ones you tease knowing they won’t take offense. There are others you don’t talk to each day but you know that they are there. There are friends that last for a season. Others stay forever. But those are very rare. Rarer than diamonds.  

But just before I get comfortable in life not being that hard, it reminds me, that its never fair. Never ever. And at the end of every season, one thing always happens. The loss of friends. And up to now, that is one thing that I’m not used to despite it being a must. 

And the worst part of the end, is the beginning of the end. 

Its like the friendships get wind of the new wind(no pun intended) that is soon blowing over. And they do everything to prevent it. The texts increase. You are all, all of a sudden are concerned about each others life. About the future plans. The meet ups increase. In high school the sticky notes were exchanged at a higher frequency than ever before. In campus, fun activities are arranged together. Its like the end inspires a deeper connection with people.

 I’m not saying they are not genuine. But they are the kicks of a dying horse. Strong kicks. And I don’t think I’m being cynical. Its just the way life is. Sincerely speaking, how many friends did you carry from primary school? And we are not talking about the Watsapp group you later formed as adults. How many did you carry from high school? How many from a higher instution of learning? See, it always happens. 

I’m always happy to finish a section of the 8-4-4. Excited to be alive. Over-excited that I made it in that specific section. I know its a kawaida thing for million of Kenyans and billions of the world population to finish school. Doesn’t take away the emotions involved either way. 

And so as I do away with the 8-4-4, one thing I celebrate are the friendships I gained in the process. But more importantly are the ones who existed for the season. The ones you don’t remember every day of your life. I don’t know whether to mourn them or to celebrate them. But I do know that they have played a really big part in making my academic life the way it was. I know I wouldn’t be this proud of this 16yr old journey without them. 

And so this goes to the boy in class two who also used to steal big-g from their shop as I used to do. I won’t forget how those pink things were really sweet when eaten in the middle of a lesson. Or the Swahili girls in class one who used to carry brown snacks that had a strong lovely smell. 

This farewell is to the first girl I met on my first day of boarding school. She doesn’t know the difference she made with the words, ” I also don’t know English as much”. I sincerely don’t know where I was being taken with new clothes, books and shopping. But I was told that wherever I was being taken, the students there spoke English. And I didn’t know English. May some little girl also comfort your little girl in the future as a blessing from me. 

This goes to the first best friends I saw in class six. I had never heard that word used before on real human beings. I thought people were just friends. Until two of my friends declared that they were now best friends. And I was envious. I observed them to know what this whole best friend thingie meant. Maybe if they had known they were being observed they wouldn’t have broken up that fast. Maybe. 

This toast goes to the boy I met in class seven who exposed me to the world of street kids. I don’t remember much but he really used to make me laugh. A lot. 

Or to the form four girls who listened to my first pitch in life in form one. Needless to say, my ideas were never implemented, I didn’t follow up on them.

To the form three poet whose poem we recited to the provincial level. To the poet club leader who with her shrill voice led us to sing some corrupted version of a very sexy song every time we needed some steam. The two might not remember but the longest and deepest and most memorable laughter in high school was with them. And now every time I see a billboard with a man in boxers, I laugh. 

To my high school classmates. We made quite a team. To the extent that I have nothing to single out of those four years. Or rather, I don’t want to disturb my memories of vians. 

To the first campus guy that I gave my attention to. And my phone accidentally recorded the over one hour conversation. It was the first time I heard my voice recorded and it sounded different. I kept on listening to that record to hear myself. And wondered if my already base voice could just sound deeper and sexier when recorded. 

To the first clique I’ve ever been part of. It was the first time I was exposed to real girl drama full of emotions and feelings. And fake friendships. And stable friends on unshaky ground. I don’t know whether we have a future, but for those four years, you played a big role in my growth. 

I don’t know whether its for the better that we lose friends. But I know that it doesn’t feel any nice. If I had a choice, I would carry along all friends into my next step of life. By now I would be having a crowd instead of the few close friends. Regardless of the reason, this is the worst part of finishing anything. 

And now I’m just dreading the loss that is about to come. The ones that will stay, stay. The others( who I’ve been talking about), fade away in different ways. Some, you talk too much after the separation, and slowly by slowly the calls and text dwindle. Others just disappear off the surface of the earth from the last day you see them. You never hear of them or see them and even on the internet they don’t seem to have passed by there in the first place. 

This farewell goes to the friendships that lasted only for a season. Your names may not make it to my graduation speech, but there might not have been a graduation without your input into my life. May life be kind to you wherever you went and will go. To all people I’ve been a friend for a season, hope I made it worthwhile. 

Fare thee well. 

Farewell 1.

How on earth do you summarize a 17yr and 1/2 relationship? Which parts get to be talked about and which ones get left out? How many posts does that relationship deserve? 17 and 1/2? Well, let’s start with this one.

Two months ago I was bailing out on myself. I didn’t think I was ready to face ‘out there’. I didn’t feel like working or interning. I didn’t feel like applying for anything. Or searching for any places to intern or work. I wanted to stay stay in school for sometime. Bury my head in the sand. Some thought i was panicking. Others thought it was some form of phobia of finishing school. 

Do you know how much difference two months can make? No? I’ll tell you 1 thing it can change. Perspective. 

Now, I’m, ummm…what’s that word for deep intense happiness that words can’t explain but I’ll still try to anyway? Regardless of what awaits me ‘out there’ , what I’m leaving behind is what is important to me right now. They say the past should be left behind, but for once, I want to celebrate the almost only consistent good thing in my life. The 8-4-4 system that I’m finishing in the next one month and a few weeks. 

In my entire life, I have worried about thousands of things. But for some reason, I have never beaten myself over what I’ll get in class 8, form 4 or in campus. And that means a lot to me. I worry over almost everything that matters to me. But not for this. I was at peace with the what my brain would produce. But of course all people who cared about me worried. At every point of the way. And for some reason, that worry never penetrated into my brain. Not at once did I have a sleepless night over my end result. And I think the thanks goes to God for that. My first toast goes to never worrying about the end result. 

Academics is one of the few things I’ve been confident of myself in. Now, I know there are brighter people out there. God bless you if you are. And all thanks to God for giving me my brains. I wouldn’t ask for more or less. That’s how content I am with the brains I have. I’m sure I haven’t made maximum use of them. The same way I’m sure I wouldn’t use them more or less if I had a second chance. 

Speaking of chances, I’m glad this is the only chance I had at academics. Because I enjoyed every piece of the way. It was supposed to be a journey to the destination called ‘out there’. I changed it to a road trip. I have lived 80% of my life studying. Almost 18yrs of my 22yrs. Almost my whole life. I have lived. If I died today, they would say life snatched me before I got to actually live. I would say, I was there, I took the only way out offered by society, and I not only survived, but made it. 

What’s success to you? I heard a friend say she thought it was accomplishing your goals. Success to me is tied to happiness and contentment. If you have all the money in the world, but you are not happy or content, you are pretty unsuccessful to me. And on that note, for all who think poor people are happier or more romantic than rich people, your whole life has been a lie. Back to success, I don’t know how many times you have ever looked at yourself and thought of yourself as a success. Or at least as successful. But for me, if there is anything in my life that has been a success, it is my academics. I’m thankful to God plus my parents plus lots of other characters. And I’m happy for myself. I would have used the word proud but proud sounds like I persevered through mountains of problems which I didn’t. Or at least the mountains of then, seem like anthills right now.  So yeah, to success. I’m a success. 

Farewell 2 coming up soon..