“Over the years I’ve had the gigantic fear of death, but its morphed into something far worse, the fear of life itself..”
And as David, a character in the series survivor, speaks, I’ve had to pause, rewind and listen to him say it again,because of how true those words are to me right now. There was a time I was doing badly, generally, continuously and consistently. Life was just horrible. And the thing I was most afraid of then- being dead. Especially being dead while alive.
And so I worked on my life. Made it way more livable. Did what I could, and the universe rose up to meet me halfway . Till now when I could choose life. In January 2018, I remember thinking that if I was going to be alive, it was going to be a life worthy of living. And in January 2019, for the first time in my entire life, I chose life. Over death.
And somewhere along the way, death stopped being such a scary prospect.
I’ve recently found myself faced with a situation I know too well. A bad situation. The kind where you can see the heartbreak walking right into your life, taking a seat and patiently waiting for its turn. But then there is the me that’s still attracted to the fire. That’s playing around it, knowing fully well that we will get burnt, but we play around anyway.
And today, it occurred to me, that there is a certain carelessness I’ve gotten around life. That I’m not afraid of death. The worst part was realising, that a part of me is goading it. Playing around it. Twirling it around in my head, and it doesn’t seem like such a bad prospect. And I do not know when death stopped being so scary. But I do know that right now, being alive doesn’t seem too enticing either. Not that my mind will put it that way anyway.
And this usually happens in transitory phases of my life. I hate those times. When doors behind you are closing, the ones in front of you haven’t opened yet, and in between when you look into the mirror, you do not know who that is staring right back at you.
When there is no certainty. So you don’t even know whether to sit, run around or walk around. It feels way uncomfortable. Way uneasy. But maybe, just like David, I’ll get to find the sparks. The ones that light up my world, and make my life feel alive.