It has just occurred to me a few seconds ago, that I am tired. Wow. I didn’t expect tiredness to feel like this. Not emotional tiredness, though there is that too, but like a burn out.
You see, the only familiar tiredness is the emotional breakdown one. The one where things become so overwhelming that you just can’t take it anymore. Where you crumble. Where its a breakdown. Can’t move, can’t process anything. That’s what I’ve always meant when I said I am tired.
Until I found myself not wanting to read, work and even travel- if its hectic, I’m not in the mood for it. All these signals have been there since Mid- November.
Somewhere in there I noticed I was throwing everything to 2020. And though I know holding off stuff is never a good thing, I just couldn’t help it. I could feel I don’t have the energy required to start those amazing things.
But I ignored that loss of energy, because I have never ever started closing my year in November. I’m a sucker for endings and new beginnings. I love my endings neat and packaged. Closure for the year. Which I usually have at the last week of the year.
But this one came a whole month and a half before. And I was perplexed by it.
Then December starts and I asked my inner self yesterday what she wanted. I expected some cause or something she would want to work towards. Guess what she wanted? To dance. Be light. Be merry. Like just have a whole month of ‘Christmas’. I still didn’t get the hint.
Until today, when I’m debating on whether to work or not. Of course I have to work. But there is no energy. And its not like I’m doing badly emotionally or anything. We just want to rest.
It must have been a tiring year for me. And I don’t think I had noticed how hard I worked. For everything. My life worked out beautifully this year. But it takes effort , strength and dedication to finally have some foundation.
I’m really looking forward to next year. But for now, I just want to rest. I am tired. My ideal holiday right now would be where I did nothing. Like just stare at the sky, float on a canoe most probably, sleep, laugh at memes, and just stay immobile.
I am tired. And for once, this is a tiredness that I’m fully embracing. I sincerely hope I’ll get enough rest this month.
Mwende Kyalo 