Trust these moments. Surrender. Go with the flow.

Those words sound so doable until its everything but. I’m going through one of those really uncomfortable moments of change. When the door behind me has been closed but none in front of me has been opened. I so badly want to hold on to something. To center myself on something. Anything.

But its all blurred. I’ve noticed that sometimes I do my laundry when I want to clear my head. And on days I’m postponing dealing with certain issues, my room is usually a thorough mess. And I don’t even notice it.

This week I’ve been clearing and cleaning stuff every single day. Yet the more I clean and arrange, the more I find more things to clean and arrange. Because that’s where my mental space is. There are so many things in there. The more I think about them and deal with them, the more disorganized it gets.

Its a different kind of anxiety. Like I’m in labour pains but I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I’ve tried what I know, its not working.

Its just an uncomfortable moment of a whirlwind of emotions in there. I want to go and feel the wind blow on my face. Fly through the air if possible. This year I want to fly through the air so many times. Yaani its all I can think of in every place I want to go. How I can fly.

And that’s the thing. In the middle of all this whirlpool, there is clarity. A lot of it. Things are getting specified to letter T. Things I kinda knew I would do or have, but now its like there is this magnet pulling me towards them. A clearer version of them. I log on to to social media and its like my mind has wired itself to only notice certain things I didn’t notice before. I sleep and my dreams take me to places and things I want to do even when I haven’t thought of them that way.

How can be there be clarity in the middle of a storm?

I don’t know. All I know is that for this moment, this day, I want to go somewhere and let silence heal me.

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