I would tell you to think about it then. To allow the pain to sear through you. To sit through the whole process though its as uncomfortable as hell. To waddle through the moment awkwardly. But please, just go through it. Just allow the moment to transform you. To hurt you.
For you can get over hurt. Pain goes away after a while.
For years later, when you open boxes you didn’t think existed in you, it shall be raw torture. That you can’t run away from.
You shall postpone opening those compartments you stored the pain away in, till they start leaking. Till they make your life unlivable. And then, when it’s either you die or you open them, you shall choose to open them. You aren’t courageous enough for death anyway, so its not like you have a choice.
At first, you’ll think to yourself, this can’t be thaat hard, right? Wrong. It won’t be just hard, it’ll be emotionally taxing and physically exhausting. Its like seeing fire, and walking right through it. Now your body is on fire. So everywhere you turn, nothing can save you. And it shall hurt.
And as you open thoughts and emotions you stored years ago, as usual with nature, they shall have decomposed. To things that you can’t explain. You shall try to find an explanation for what you are seeing inside those compartments, and nothing will come to mind.
You who purports to know everything, for once shall be tongue tied. You shall say ‘I don’t know’ and mean it with every cell in you.
What was once an uncomfortable topic to think through, will now be a smelly leaking dangerous toxic landfill to wade through.
What was once pain stored away, shall now be a wound that has all kinds of infection, and the only way out is through cleaning it up with no anesthetics.
What was once a situation you were running from, will now be ugly beliefs staring at you, wondering what a beautiful soul like yours ,needs scary gory masks like them, for.
And as you waddle through the whole frighteningly ugly torture, you shall wonder who to call. And anyway, after you get in touch with her, what will you tell her? Some demons are to be hidden away from the public. You shall wonder what funny assguy to watch to take your mind of your million pain problems, and as you sadly watch jokes that usually crack you up on other days, you shall realise that even the funniest guys on the internet, can not take away your mind off this kind of torture.
And you sit with yourself, stunned with how much compartmentalized pain a human being can carry before falling off the earth for being too heavy for a human being, you shall remember that little girl. And wish that if you were to go back in time and tell her anything, it is to deal with it as it comes.
Decomposed pain tortures. Its worse than walking through fire. It makes your head hurt. Every step you take hurts and your legs feel like heavy metallic rods. Your eyes want to shut down and be anywhere else but here open, seeing but not seeing anything. Your mind refuses to think. Rather, it is be unable to. Your tongue feels heavy. Your whole body wants to run away from you. In simple terms, decomposed pain makes your whole being uninhabitable.
If I could tell you anything, it is deal with it as it unfolds, don’t store pain for later days. For the later days shall soon be upon you. And only then, shall you realise the folly of compartmentalizing.
Mwende Kyalo 