My home town has the most amazing sunset I’ve ever seen. And being a sunset addict, I’ve seen different types of sunsets to the extent that I now know how to spot one that’s coming from miles away. This one beckons me from the house. And weirdly enough, it’s only last year that I noticed it. Yes, after living here for almost 2 decades, I come to see this sunset this recently. I guess when you are overburdened with life, life passes you by. Everything becomes about your pain and hurt. No wonder hurting people hurt others, because hurt becomes their world, it’s the only emotion they know, the only emotion they can express themselves in.
But on this sunset, it beckons you from wherever you are. Yesterday I was in the house at around 6.20pm. I noticed this sudden deep orange glow on the wall. At first I thought it was fire since the gas was nearby. But on closer look I realized its the sun’s rays. And the sun I found outside was not only deeply orange, but the horizon around it as well formed different hues of orange.
So today I came looking for it. You should have seen me almost burning my fingers in a hurry to catch it before it’s gone. And it disappears really fast. So I’m now looking at the diming orange color it has left on the clouds. And all I want at this point in life is peace.
I want peace for my country. But beyond that I want peace in my heart. That calm peace that trascends my situation, circumstance and feeling. That calmness that usually causes a smile in the middle of a storm. The kind that when you reply that you are okay, you mean it with everything in you.
I want God’s kind of peace. I kinda need it. Too many thoughts are running through my mind. Nothing serious, nothing bland, but still many thoughts. But I want stillness. You see, for the longest time ever, home meant trouble and work. Like the moment I stepped into our house, I knew I was in for an emotional rollercoaster. And as i’ve stated before, we are business people, every added child means extra free labour.
So now, having sorted out my issues, made peace with my past, and began a healing journey, home feels different. Some things I know how to deal with. Like my parents quabbles. Which have greatly reduced by the way. But others I don’t know how to. Like what to do with the things that helped me through my tough times. Like filling my mind with irrelevant thoughts so that we don’t have to deal with painful issues. The painful issues are gone, but my thoughts don’t know how to stay still in this environment.
A friend once told me, that you can’t get over things that took years to form, in a matter of days or months. Then I thought she was talking about the bitterness and anger only. Now I realise that a healing journey is more than that. What about the free time, and emotional space that’s left after an addiction or letting go of negative emotions? What do you do with that newly formed freedom?
What did the slaves do after they were set free? After years of thoughts of freedom occupying their minds, what did they now think about after they got that freedom? What do people do, when the things you were hiding inside a fortress are gone, but the walls protecting the fortress are still there? What do people in the army do when the enemy they were fighting is defeated?
I don’t know. But all I know for now is that I need peace. Calm in there would be good. And just as the sunset is calm and still, even when it knows that in a few minutes, it will be gone, I need that peace.