Trusting you when times are good is easy. When my hands are lifted up worshipping and adoring you, you take my heart to heavenly places. All I feel like during those moments is to surrender everything to you. I feel safe at that moment. Loved. Chosen. And well kept. You are a promise keeper and you know it.
And then bad moments come. Maybe when I’ve run away from you or something small has happened and caused a rift in our relationship. I always know I’ll come back. And at times one prayer session is all it takes. And we are back at it. Your word holds true during those times I feel distant from you. Deep in my heart, I always know that you will never leave me nor forsake me. I always feel that though I’m going through stuff, you will make it all work out for my good. What I mean to say is that there is always hope. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope that you will answer my prayer for help. Hope that my sins are forgiven forever and I’m in right standing with you.
But Dear God, times like the one I’m in now..are hard. When the whole world caves in on you. These are times when I look at my future and if things go on the way they are threatening to, I’m not sure I’ll survive. Literally. You told me to be still and know that you are God. You know how much sense that made to me, when you explained that word to me.
That the God of heaven and earth, the creator who holds the freaking whole universe in his hand, told me to sit still and know that He is God. That was the most protective promise I’ve ever been given in my life. Its like a child in war torn Somalia calling for help, and the most powerful commander on earth tells that child to sit still and Know that that person is who he is. My God is way more than that. You gave me hope with that revelation. I was in a bad place when you were telling me that. But you assured me of your word.
When I finished school, I was in a bad place. You God, saw me through that. But not to a better place. After a month or two, my situation became worse. And that’s when you told me to sit still and know that you are God. That’s when you assured me, that just like the Israelites’ story had a meaning in the larger scale of things, my life had a purpose too.
Forgive me if I thought being Still and knowing that you are God meant that my situation would get better.
Now my situation has moved to worst. I feel trapped. Trapped with no way out. There is no hope in my situation. I don’t have strength any more. God I can’t hold on. To anyone or anything. I was frustrated, desperate and maybe somewhat angry at life. Now I’m beaten down. Now I’m weathered out.
And I came to tell you that in this storm, I’m still holding on to your word. I don’t see a way out. But I know that you are not man that you will lie to me. I feel forsaken and abandoned by goodness. But you said that surely I will see your goodness in this life.
And as you assure me that you ordained my steps, the steps I’m on right now, are getting more difficult as every sunset and sunrise comes. Your word and my situation right now don’t go hand in hand.
But Dear God, even as I walk in to the darkness of today, you said Jesus came to give me life in abundance. Even as I wake up tired and energy less, you said that though the youth grow weary you shall strengthen them to fly like eagles. Even as I fight tears at the bus stop, you said that you care for me more than the sparrows which none can fall without your permission. Even as I take medicine to help me sleep, you said you give rest and sleep to your beloved.
I don’t have hope in anything right now. But I trust you to not lie in your word. I was telling a friend that if you didn’t fulfill your word to me, I would be the first person that you’ve broken your record of faithfulness with.
I don’t even know what I’m telling you right now. But I know that I can’t ask. Asking will require me to have hope that you’ll answer. Its not that I don’t trust you to answer, its just that I don’t have the strength to survive if you don’t.
All in all, I chose to trust you and wait upon you even when it is the hardest thing to do right now. And I hope that by the time you come through, I’ll be alive to celebrate knowing that you are God.
Mwende Kyalo 