I was prepared for anything. I thought I could face everything that came my way. I expected frustrations. Struggle. Tarmacking. Tiredness. And all things that require one to be strong to handle them. I was armoured. More than the roman soldiers during war. But with all that preparedness, there is one thing that has caught me unawares. One that has frustrated all my efforts.
Waiting. My life after school has been characterized by waiting. And more waiting. Waiting for what? I don’t know. But nothing has worn on my patience like sitting still and waiting. And I’m not patient. Neither do I like waiting.
The sitting still part has been the most difficult. My mind is used on being active. So it didn’t know how to sit still and do nothing. I mean, for the last almost 18yrs I always had education to worry about. And even when I had breaks like the long holidays or weekends, I got all the rest i could from them, because I knew in a few weeks time I’ll be back to the system.
Waiting is hard. Sitting still is worse. I’ve ran away back into old vices. Nothing. They didn’t offer the much needed adrenaline.
The friends I had, they don’t seem to be waiting. Life seems to be moving on for them. Some are getting married; and I guess that comes with so much activity. Activity that doesn’t necessarily need single souls with not much to offer. Some seem busy. Busy here and there. Busy with themselves. Busy with each other.
The friends I have. Everyone is doing something. That something could be a lot of things. Some important, some not so urgent. And those not working, they are dating. I guess when you sit still and observe people is when you realize that dating can keep someone busy as much as a job. So if the friends I had and the friends I have don’t offer reprieve from the labour of waiting, what can?
God? I’m almost saying the situation gets worse when I look at God and His word. Since I started waiting, I’ve seen this verse countless of times:- Be still and know that I am God. So what does God expect from me? To sit still. To wait for Him. To wait upon Him. His word for me during this period- Be patient and sit still. In simple terms- the waiting you are running away from, do some more of it.
So here I am. Frustrated at waiting. Tired from waiting. Impatient. I feel as if I’m on my nerves. Like I have this strength that just needs to be used up. Picture this- a soldier, wearing a 125kg uniform full of all kind of weaponry that can be carried in there. With litres of water to quench the thirst that will come from fighting the whole day. With a heavy machine gun and hundreds of bullet slung across his chest and back. And then he goes to the field. To the battlefield. Prepared psychologically, emotionally, physically and spiritually for a war. He freaking turns up for the war. And guess what he finds in the battlefield?? A well kept field. A tree to relax under. Calm weather: not too hot nor too cold. But no war. Absolutely nothing to beat, kick, punch, shoot or defend himself from. You would think the soldier would be happy..right? Well, this one isn’t.
So here I am. Waiting. Scratch that. I am learning to wait. Learning to sit still. Trying to tame my impatience. I’m tired of fighting this waiting season. So for the first time since I started waiting, I’m doing the actual waiting. Living each day as it comes is not easy. Not when you were used to having an idea of how next month might turn up.
Stilling my thoughts isn’t a walk in the path. But it’s doable. Waiting isn’t fun, but it can be enjoyed. Being alone, in spirit, level of life, way of looking at things, etc isn’t desirable. But it is defining. You learn the path you are taking at your pace. You deal the hand life deals you in your own way. You become your own everything. Which can get overwhelming at times.
So here I am. Doing something I have never done before. Something that people think should be a walk in the park, but is turning out to be a walk in a densely populated forest. Something that is harder than doing something.