Have you ever heard some seemingly really petty things that pissed you off? Some really tiny incidences that have the power to tip you off really badly? Like you know how much something affects you, but no one else gets it. Like I hate people taking my stuff without informing me. It pisses me off immensely. But no one else seems to get how much that stuff clusterfucks me. Some of these things you can’t even tell anyone because they will think you are too petty or sensitive. But what if those things really really affect you? Like really mess you up? 

I’m feeling angry right now. Pissed off at my roommates. Also at life. And at God for not answering my prayers right now. I have problems with my sleep. I have to search  for sleep before it can agree to come my way. Searching in this case means being in a conducive environment for it to come. Conducive environment means silence, and darkness and warmth, but not too much heat. And then I wait. And wait. And wait some more. On good days, I wait for an hour or less. On bad days I wait till almost morning. 

And for the past few days, my roommates have decided they should watch movies late into the night. Now, everyone can do as they like. If you want to watch till morning, that’s your bloody choice. But no, only loudspeaker works best. Which means I have to wait till they are through with watching their movie, so that I can start my sleep procedure. Which can take hours on normal occasions. And you don’t have those many hours when you should be up for a 7 o’clock class. 

And I’m here wondering what lemonades to make out of this. I can’t sleep, yet I really wanted to try and find sleep by now. I can’t think, my mind keeps on being distracted by the noise. Kitambo, I used to sleep with my earphones on. It’s a bad habit I stopped but it could have helped me immensely right now. You can’t keep on explaining to adults that they are inconveniencing you. 

So now I don’t just have a brain that’s tired, but also one that can’t induce its resting process in time. And a Mercy who wishes school could end soon, a job to follow sooner and she gets her own place. And an inner Mercy who is pissed off at kind people who just don’t get how tiny winy things like the ones they are doing overturn your world. 

I guess this is me making lemonade out of this. Writing about petty things. 

But above that is the me, wondering what should be considered petty. Because to be frank, I’m not sure I’ll post this.  I mean, there are more important things in life than my sleep, right? Like people want to hear about serious problems like internship and job manenos, relationship manenos or the lack of one manenos, right?

But what if small things drive you up to the wall like me? Who defines what is big enough to make you angry anyway? Is there a word for people like us who are used to huge problems like depression but can’t handle seemingly small challenges like this? What do you do when you are angry at people but whatever has pissed you off is too small to bring it up? Do you sleep it away, or in my case, find something to do as you await for it to pass? Do you pray for this really small things? In my case, God seems to have answered wait, because, neither is the circumstance changing nor has He changed me. And sincerely, I don’t know how lack of sleep is a moulding ground for me. 

This is a rant I guess. I wish I had it together. You know those mature people that don’t seem to get pissed off at small things? Or those people with better problems? I stopped wishing I had a better sleeping patterns. Or rather if I had a dollar for every time I’ve thought about my sleep problem, I would be in Malawi right now. So I just wish I was a better person. Better people know when to give a fuck and when not to. And I guess they wouldn’t be giving a fuck right now. But what should I do? A sleep therapist seems like such a first world solution. 

So I’ll just be the me, whose only medicine is to write. Even about petty problems with no petty solutions in site. 

Advertisements