Continued from Thandiwe part 1.

White stands up

“No one wants to feel lost. No one likes knowing that they don’t know what on earth they are doing. Everyone wants to get their shit together. Plus you don’t want to repeat the same mistakes that other people have made. Neither do you want to do things that will become learning experiences for others. Knowing that things are going to turn okay in the end is all I wanted. It’s all I desire. They say no one gets out of this life alive. That maybe true but I sure do want Thandiwe to get out of it happy. 

I am so afraid of making mistakes. Afraid of regretting the things I did years later. All choices have consequences. I want good consequences. You all say I suppress all of you. But I just want the best for Thandiwe. Or rather I’m afraid for her. Afraid that life may not be kind to her. I’m afraid that she will make the wrong decisions and her life goes haywire.  Assume I let Gray Thandiwe lead Thandiwe to a night club, what if someone takes advantage of her? It happens you know? What if I let Black Thandiwe lead her to kissing a girl? Will she still go to heaven? What if I let Moderation Thandiwe allow her to free think? Won’t that open a Pandora box we all don’t know how to handle?

I admit, I’m scared. Scared of life. Life is a bitch you know? Jesus told me He can take of us. Of our problems, our fears. He said that if Thandiwe does the will of his father, everything else shall be sorted out for us. And his father’s will is a lot of work. And its complicated. It is contained in 66books. And all those books have many chapters. And all those chapters have so many verses. And all those verses are interpreted differently each time you read them. So you can imagine how diverse the mixture is when you add pastors’ interpretations in the mix.

At first we were on the right track. Thandiwe and this Jesus that is. He was transforming her. We all remember how happy she was to finally get someone she can be entirely sincere with. Someone she can depend on. For the first time she trusted a man in her life. And he did exactly what he said he would do.  He gave her hope. Something we all know was never present in Thandiwe’s life.  He even promised a future. And he also said his father who watches over her would not sleep nor slumber. That he would care for her and love her as much as his own daughter. He called her a friend. Not a servant, not an invincible person seated at their own corner, not a weird person, he called her a friend. 

But I admit that I led her to overdo it. I led her to thinking that losing her life for him meant not living her own life. I led Thandiwe to thinking that if she did everything written in those 66books, her future was sorted out. I twisted what was written in those verses to ensure she did not do anything that would cause her harm. That meant suppressing any questions or desires she might have, regardless of how harmless they are. That meant quelling her thoughts to fit into the standard procedure.

I’m sorry. I apologize. I’m just lost as the rest of you. I just didn’t want to show it like the rest of you. We all know how Thandiwe loves not failing. At anything. Including life. And so I pretended to know everything. And it did work for some time. Until it worked no more. I now concur with Moderation Thandiwe; everything should be taken in moderation. And the gospel should be followed from the heart to the outside, not from the outside only. Please forgive me. I now see how wrong I was. The only way to get life right is to live it. It’s never about wrong or right. Or mistakes and consequences. Or choices and consequences. Its just life. i’m so scared of leading Thandiwe to make mistakes. So afraid

Plus we all know she is only the one who has had her back. She is always been with people but alone on the inside. If she didn’t watch out for herself, who would watch out for her? No one ever notices when she is not okay. Always assuming she has it together. Though admittedly, she has led people into believing that. If anything goes wrong, what will happen to her? If she is hurt, who will comfort her? We all know she is not good at asking for help. I mean look at all those years it took for her to finally take her burdens to Jesus. If she gets depressed, what assurance do we have that she will not cut her wrists?

I fear. And fear has driven me to do the things I have done. “

“Wow, White Thandiwe, I’ll give you some five minutes or so to wipe your tears and get it back together.

The rest of us can get a break too .” Moderation Thandiwe intervened to the group of ladies that had been so moved by White Thandiwe’s reply that there was a sombre mood in the room.

” Gray Thandiwe,” Blurred Lines began, ” you know this is the opportunity we have been waiting for. Freedom at last. I just didn’t think it would be handed over to us so sadly. I mean…”

“C’mon Blurred Lines! You are as evil as they come. We are all in an emotional state here and all you can think of is freedom. Don’t you ever sit to think through and feel through things and moments? Anyway, Moderation, what do you think over White’s confession that she actually didn’t know what she was doing?”

” Sincerely, I was shocked. I expected her to come guns blazing defending the bad place she has led Thandiwe to. I didn’t expect her to be honest. I guess that shows what kind of a person she is. Always truthful and full of integrity. Her biggest problem is not realizing fast enough when she has pushed Thandiwe too far. But she definitely knows not to lie. Actually……”

” You have always leaned on her side Moderation Thandiwe. Almost all the time. I don’t trust your judgment when it comes to her and her opinions. You will obviously definitely take her side. And then sprinkle some 2% of our input to make it seem as though you have considered us. We know your ways Moderation, tunakujua Sana!”

White comes back from the washroom looking startled. At first they assume its because she has been crying which is so unlike her. But given the recent circumstances, anyone can do anything. But she comes and starts tapping Moderation towards the outside. Before they can react enough to this strange behavior, they see her too.

Black Thandiwe is back!

To be continued…..

Advertisements