It all ends here sweetheart. When it lasted, it was good. I know I suck at farewells, but for the first time in my life I am not grieved about letting go. The future holds a lot of newness. It could be good, torturing even, but He has told me that to gain my life I have to lose it. That I have to deny myself. You remember I had put Him as my number one? Well, things worked out so well that He stopped being my number one. Instead, the life I live, I live through Him, literally.
He is a lot of things I am not. Actually that is the understatement of the millennium. I am world apart from Him. And as I have told you, the end goal is to have me like Him. It comes at a cost though. I have to deny myself and take up my cross and follow Him. Last time you checked, I didn’t know what He meant by that. So I admit that I never thought much of it. But he has been building up my understanding on it, until today I got a light bulb moment about what it means.
This is to tell you that you were good to me. You pushed me beyond what I thought I could handle. You remember in high school when all I felt like doing was reading novels? And they were many going around. But you reminded me that the world isn’t kind to failures of any kind. And the antidote to failure is working hard. You remember when I was confused about the career to choose? You were there by my side. You told me to choose a field that is not overcrowded. Therefore I would be able to get a job easily. A job meant financial security, one of the major goals for our relationship.
Emotionally. I can’t thank you enough for the times you protected me from people. People hurt others, and we didn’t want that, did we? So we built walls higher than the tower of Babel in my heart. Walls that kept my hurt on the inside and people on the outside. We locked up what we couldn’t handle. Seeking for help wasn’t in our best interest. It involved letting people in which is what we were running away from. People.
You have been the backbone behind almost all major decisions in my life. I’m not sure I would be where I am right now if I did not take your input into consideration. And being sincere, I don’t regret it at all. Except that everything that has a beginning has an end. I have found a better alternative to you. And if this sounds so unlike me, you are right, it isn’t me. It’s Him. Told you I live through him nowadays.
Career wise, I don’t have a plan. I’ve taken my dreams to him. He said that I should not worry about anything but should instead cast my worries unto Him. I know you are wondering on what happened to the me that by now would have made phone calls, written emails and wrote letters in a bid to secure a seat for my life after campus. Well, nowadays we take one day at a time. We pray for our daily life and leave tomorrow to its own worries.
Emotionally, I’m not sure how you will take this. He helped me break down the walls we had built. He assisted in getting the hurt out of my system. The scars hurt at times but you should take a walk in my heart right now. For as long as I can remember, my heart has never been this light. I admit that all the issues we had locked up are not sorted out, but I am a thousand times happier than I ever was with you. He turned my sorrows into joy and my darkness into morning. I sincerely never thought that there would be a time in my life that I would not be a double sided human being. Alive on the outside but dead on the inside. And he made it possible for me, see, maybe I am not crazy after all to give my life in return.
On people. You might faint at reading this. I let people in. strangers, the people who knew me from the outside and anyone who cared really. I stopped being afraid of investing in people lest they become indispensable to me. I started investing in people regardless of how they react. Nowadays I give my all. And I have found the most meaningful friendships this way. This is working compared to the old system of keeping myself to me alone. I have been blessed by others and I have also gotten the opportunity to bless people. In a world where everyone is for himself and God for us all, I have chosen to be there for others. And sincerely at that. It does not matter whether they will pay back or not. I have received much, the least I can do is be there for someone else.
So see, when I was with you I had to worry and plan about every detail of my life. I had to think and guess all possible eventualities and have a plan for them all. I had to have back up for everything. Answers to everything in life. I knew a lot when I was with you. But now, I am free. He said if I sought after his kingdom and righteousness, all things would follow. And I did the math and realized that it takes less effort to seek after his kingdom compared to seeing after the everything else on my own. And being me, I chose the easier option.
When I was with you, I faced life alone. Now, we do life together. I won’t lie, it has not been easy. Especially since we all humans. But it has been worth it. There is warmth that comes with being real with fellow human beings. There is honor in being you. It’s a relief to not pretend anymore. And doing life together has helped in applying all things that I’ve been learning from him. It gives me a platform to actualize the theory that is his word.
Clearly, I’m doing better. I used to think that denying myself for his sake would take blood tears and sweat. But it only needed one thing. Grace. Right now, I am wondering where I have been with myself, why I did not take up his cross earlier and follow him. His yoke is lighter than mine. His ways are simpler than mine. My way leads to death. Emotionally and spiritually. His way leads to life and not just life but life in abundance. I would love to add a but, you know the way after someone describes something good they usually add,” but nothing is easy in this life”. But I will not, because compared to where he found me and where I am right now, this is heaven.
I feel like the man who after finding the kingdom of God went back and sold his farm to buy the treasure. I am happy. I am content. I don’t know what the future holds, but he said he does. I don’t know what next, but he said I should not worry about it. I don’t have a plan just in case anything in my life goes wrong but he told me to call him at any sign of trouble. Bad things still happen to me by the way, but he said that they will work out for my good. I get situations I can’t handle on my own, but he strengthens me and helps me. Sometimes I don’t think I have it in me to do the things he calls me to, but he uses my weaknesses to show his strength. I still have dreams and desires, and he said that he will do immeasurably more than I can ever imagine. I wrong him at times, but he said nothing shall ever separate me from him, not even heights nor depths nor angels nor demons. I get lost at times, but he guides me back and instructs me in the way I should go.
Therefore, I am losing myself to gain myself. I am denying myself and taking the cross to follow him. I no longer live but he lives in me, the life I live in the body, I live by faith in him. He who loved me greatly and gave himself up for me. Whatever he tells me to do, I do. You call this being brainwashed or stupid even. But I call this living. I was lost but now I am found.
Goodbye independence. Goodbye self sufficiency. I am now fully dependent on him. My life now runs on what he says.