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Today, I have gone through your Facebook page as is my norm once in a while. I wanted to see your opinion on the move Matiang’i made yesterday. Instead, I found you had predicted it early last year. You saw this victory amidst that ‘failure’ of then. And while in there, I saw a video you had shared of the 1983 safari rally. And it reminded me of my mother’s story. I rarely talk about safari rallies, mostly because in my times they weren’t as popular, but when I do, I’m animated about it as if I was there during your times. You will think I was there when I tell you of how Shekhar Mehta flew over a train he found on his way. Or how my mother and her agemates used to go at night to watch those cars pass. It was serious business. My mum rarely talks of her past, but when she does only few things liven her up like the safari rally. Getting back to you, you must have enjoyed your safari rally moments too.
I don’t know why today I thought of you. I think of you a lot, but its usually once in a while. The rest if those times, my memory blocks you completely. A friend thinks I have selective amnesia. What triggered my mind to open your box in my head? I saw someone with a T-shirt like one you had in the newspaper. Plus I wanted your opinion.
Its been 4yrs since I last saw you. I don’t even remember your voice. From stalking you on social media, I can see you are growing visibly older. At least nowadays I weaned myself from wanting you so much. I still think its crazy that of all people I could have desired, you were the only one my mind chose. Since I turned 21, a lot has happened to me internally. I have been able to figure myself out somehow. I have allowed myself to feel and be alive. Someone taught me to not resist the moment, to cry when I feel like it, to jump with excitement if that’s what’s up and to flow with anxiety when its season comes. That has helped me a lot. It has allowed me and helped me untangle myself from my burdens. But above that, I have matured. I can feel it. I’m not the young girl you knew. Neither the one who texted you severally when she was at the end of her world.
You may not know this, but you saved me once. I’m not so sure what would have happened if you had chosen not to reply to new numbers on your phone. But those are stories for another day. Another day. Weirdly enough, I never feel silly or unrealistic hoping that one day we will meet and talk. And maybe be friends. For me, its one of those things that seem very surreal, but I have hope against hope that they will happen. One thing that is fueling that hope is that after unburdening my mind of old hurts and thinking patterns, very few things remained. Very few. And you are one of them. Why that is, I don’t know. I don’t trust emotions. Though I flow with them. My heart is a keeper of a lot of things and people. But you have never been in my heart. I have never loved you or been in love with you. You have never made my heart beat increase or decrease or stop. I don’t ‘feel’ anything for you. Never have.
But you have always had the most special place in my mind. I have always adored you. Your intelligence is something I would give anything to listen to droplets of it each morning. Your way of reasoning is so out of this world. And your perspective of things is what draws me to stalk you once in a while. Who you are is what makes my mind think and rethink without getting round to it. Is it wisdom? A high IQ? Gained ability of reasoning?, I don’t know. Were humans a books, you would be my favorite one. I would wake up reading you, sleep reading you and dream being you. In another world, I would want to have your way of seeing things. How you come to conclusions. But since we are in this world, I will keep on stalking you. I will keep on believing in “The Secret”. That if one wants something so badly, the universe conspires to give it to them.

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