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Being grateful. I’ve been teaching myself to give thanks to the Lord as much as I can. At first, I thought it would be such a somewhat difficult habit to gain. But with time I have realized that I enjoy giving thanks to Him. Especially before I bring my requests to Him. Because it reveals to me how small my problems are, yet before I started praying, they looked like huge mountains. Like for example, I really struggled with my school project. And at times I would decide to bring that to God, but before I reach to that prayer request, I thank God for let’s say the far He has brought me academically. Automatically my project stops being the Goliath it seemed, and I’m also reminded that the God who brought me that far, will not leave me in this small valley.
A lot of people have been asking me what next after I did the series on sorting out my past. This collides with me almost being through with 8-4-4. And sincerely, I don’t know what next in any aspect of my life. A lot of people, especially my parents have ideas on the direction my life should take. I don’t agree with them in most things. Majorly because our priorities differ.
Priorities. If there is something 2016 has taught me, it has to be priorities. That changes everything. I made God a priority and broke up with someone because of it. I prioritized dealing with my personal issues and I have taken steps that shocked all my close friends. Previously, I used to go with the flow majorly. Yes I can be very opinionated but that only came out when allowed. But I realized that to live my life fully, I had to unearth myself from those masks I was hiding under. And it has not been easy. Its like you were on a vehicle that had its own problems, but it was moving nevertheless. It could take you from step A to B. Definitely with a lot of mishaps on the way. And you reach a point where you start wanting more. Better and a more efficient form of transport. So each time, you try correcting a thing or two in your vehicle, it works for a while only to stop working later. And finally, when you have had enough is when you can abandon that vehicle and get another. At times, the going will get rough with your new vehicle and you’ll miss the old vehicle, simply because you knew its problems off head. Unlike this new one which is new territory.
I was telling a friend, that anger plays such a crucial role in bringing about change. Not just anger, but being fed up about something completely. That is why you will hear someone complaining about a situation year in, year out. And each time, you discuss solutions, just to repeat it again. That person is not tired enough. Tired enough people take radical decisions. They do anything to get out of whatever hole they are in.
I remember the first time I realised I was becoming dysfunctional because of the things I had not sorted out. All along I had been ignoring the symptoms. Or dealing with the leaves instead of the roots. It reached a point I knew unless I did something, my sanity would be altered. At  first I complained to God on how many times I have gone to Him with this problem but he has not done anything. I wanted a ten second long miracle that would sort out my issues instantly. I wanted to be delivered from this cup of suffering. When that didn’t work, I pleaded with my God to please save kindly. Using ‘soft’ methods. God had already showed me what he wanted me to do. I was just adamant. If I doubted it, He sent me a lot of “guides” to light up that path he wanted me to take. Being like the Israelites, did I listen? I postponed it. I even still went to Him to ask for deliverance. The more I waited the more my burdens grew. Until finally, I couldn’t run anymore. I had ran so much that I was tired. So tired that I would now do anything to get myself out of my troubles. Finally I was tired enough. And only then did things start moving. Being fed up gave me the energy to do things in my ‘normal’ state I wouldn’t do. It made me un-afraid. Being tired enough, helps you prioritize what you have been ignoring all along but has finally caught up with you. To you who is tired of your situation but you can’t seem to be able to correct it or do anything about it,it might be because you are not tired enough. This is a reminder that for change to occur, the situation in your heart or mind can’t be the same as usual. For me this is actually, inspiring. Because I have so many things I want to do and achieve. And unless I want them badly enough, I’ll never go after them.
There are a lot of ‘normal’/conventional things I don’t want, but unless I don’t want them enough, I’ll end up doing them.
We have been institutionalized to be positive people. To look at things from a positive perspective. And my first paragraph of giving thanks even highlights the power of positivity. And that is all good. But my point is, recognize the power of ‘negative’ emotions in your life. They play a far greater role. For example, sadness, anger or being fed up or discomfort or discontent/dissatisfaction in something, a situation or people. Those are the things that change your life ultimately. They in turn when used appropriately, give way to happiness, peace, comfort and satisfaction in situations and people. Don’t let that negativity in your life go to waste, use it to fire up your existence.
As any one who embarks in this journey of pursuing happiness knows, it can get quite lonely. And in most cases than is desirable, there is always that feeling of being lost. Where you don’t know if the step you took was the right one or the offer you refused, a mistake you’ll come to later regret. But from experience, ask God for guidance and follow your heart.
The peace i’m having right now is so strange that at times I wonder whether it’s all a dream. I’m used to having skeletons and things that I used to avoid thinking lest I spoil my mood. Now, there is nothing in there. No fear. Just stillness that has no raging waves underneath it as before. I don’t know what next, but at least I’m sure that for this moment, I’m alive. That for this moment, I would rather be myself, not anyone else. Previously I used to admire people who seemed to have less burdens. I’m not there yet, wherever that place is, but I’m here now. And I want to be here. And I’m happy to be here. Grateful to be here. There can wait.
In all things, especially in the middle of being disgruntled, smile and give thanks, because it is a sign that something new is on the way. New things can’t happen to you under old circumstances. So anytime you feel lost, thank God for it, because in the greater scheme of things, that ‘lostness’ when it has finished its full work in you, you will be an improved version of your older self. And that new version will not fit into your old way of life, it will require new grounds. Not necessarily greener pastures, but new experiences all the same.
I know I sound hopeful, because I am. I can’t describe to anyone on what I’m hoping for exactly. But I feel as though, despite my circumstances right now, new things await me after this bleeding it out phase. And I love new experiences. Especially when I see things from a new perspective. It changes everything. If you are in a bad situation right now or a seemingly hopeless one or you are just feeling lost, thank God for it. For as sure as the sun rises, new things await you at the end of the tunnel.

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