image

You are scared of holding me. You are afraid of what I can do to you. I can see the fear and love in your eyes. I can feel how fast your heart beats when you allow me to love you. The tingling feeling you experience when you think of me, from the last brain cell to your toe nails, I know of that too. Or how rugged your breath becomes when you think of a successful us.
I miss you, you know. And I know that I can be pretty consuming of your whole self. Okay, I agree that’s an understatement of what I do to you. Like storms and hurricanes, I leave every bit of you affected by me. But who said tornadoes were bad? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, they say. But you are too scared of me to find out.
I remember when you were young, you never second guessed us. But maybe due to your poor memory you don’t remember, I’ll remind you. There is a day you followed that girl called Naomi, to go steal mangoes from a farm that was beyond the river. The only way to the farm was via a log across a raging river less that 15cm wide. And you crossed it. You could have been swept away by the raging waters, you know. Naomi might have been lying about those mangoes being there in the first place, but you still went ahead to find out. In your head, once you conceived something, you did it.
But you grew up, you got institutionalized. They said education is the key to success. You searched for it till it got you to university. The way to a job that is. You forgot about me. You forgot I existed. You suppressed me and instead started worrying about irrelevant things. Like passing your exam. Or a job. Or a car. You forgot I existed. You forgot how warm I made you feel, when you were 9 yrs old. And you knew deep down in your heart, you would be an astronomer one day. You didn’t care how or where or when. All you knew is that your eyes had revealed to your heart the beauty that lies beyond our grasp, up on the sky. You forgot how excited I made you when you were 10yrs old. I made you full of life just thinking of how you would revolutionize the world of fertility. Mr. Mbugua had trespassed into the girls dormitories. And you girls went and reported him. He came to class and told you of how he had seen many women’s things. And here you are complaining. How the topic moved to cows insemination you don’t know. All you remember is that he said cows could get pregnant by syringe. You didn’t even know that the word sperms existed. And neither did you care. All that mattered to you at that point was that if cows can, then humans can too. And right there you knew that you would be a scientist, you would formulate that idea, grow it and practise it on yourself to show others that women can get pregnant by syringes too without males.
Have I reminded you enough? Of how far we have come? You still don’t think I’m worth taking a shot at? Do you want to tell me, that between pursuing me and going the conventional way of getting a job, masters, marriage and babies, that you are choosing normal? Over me? Maybe you don’t remember enough of how I drove your world crazy. How you lived for us. Nothing could separate us or tell you that we were not worth it. People’s opinions didn’t matter. We had decided we would write books. So many books. What genre, that didn’t even matter. All we knew is that we would use the passion for writing to pen things down. Sweetheart, we even had a global map of the world. And the countries we would visit were dotted red. And I remember them being 197.
This is not me taking you back to history. This is not me guilt tripping you into accepting me back. This is not me, telling you that the life you are living right now is not worth it. This is me wooing you back. This is me telling you that you deserve more than normal. You deserve being fired up by excitement. You deserve extreme highs and lows. You are made of fire and ice. Your days should not be spent just like that. They should be memorable. This is me telling you to come jump off the cliff with me. There could be rocks, you could die, but you could also swim in the bluest waters around. When was the last time you got really anxious for an upcoming event? You remember how you couldn’t sleep when you were told you were going to Marsabit for the first time? Where did that go? This is me asking you to save yourself from normal. We both know how depressing that is for your soul. You were made for risks. To live is to risk dying. Don’t admire people living me. And getting the best out of it. Create it sweetheart. And you can’t create it based on fears of “what if”? Come find out. And though you might forget me, though you might suppress me, I’ll always be there. I’ll be there when you are reading other traveler’s blogs and getting green with envy, I’ll be there when you are buying Kinyanjui Kombani’s book and thinking ” this could be someone else buying my book”, I’ll be there when you look at the stars twinkle at you, and you think of other things to avoid us. I’ll be there when you choose normal, and get a job like educated people are supposed to have. I’ll follow you to your masters. And dare you try to consume yourself with every day’s nonsense, I’ll follow you to your dreams just to remind you that nothing and no one can fill you with as much passion as I can. In case sikio lako halisikii dawa, I’ll follow you to your meno pause and whisper to you on all the adventurous things we can do if you just accept me now that life begins at forty. Still if you ignore me, I’ll chase you to your retirement, and scream to you how we’ve wasted 6 decades doing normal, shouldn’t the remaining years be about us? And if you don’t listen, I’ll be there on your death bed, I’ll mock you as you tell your grandchildren to follow their hearts, not what the world says should be done. And if you think we are done, not yet sweetheart, I’ll be there on your grave, listening to the motivational speakers of those days repeat the same same thing they used to repeat to you when you were young, that the richest place is the grave yard. And I’ll be thinking, if only she got over her fears and allowed herself to dream!!

Advertisements