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Confused. Unsettled. Disturbed. That is your state of mind at this point in time. Your parents have a clear picture of what you should do after graduation. Get a job in this town. Save enough for at least an year to see you through your masters program. And then marry.
And as you sit up there looking on on all the rusted iron sheets that cover almost all houses, you feel alienated from it.
Your home town. You do not find anything homely about it. You remember the first time you came here. At six years of age. Everything looked strange. Your mother was staying in a really big house that had a bathroom with a shower. The visit only lasted a weekend and you went back to staying with your house help in another town. Two years down the line you came back again. To stay. This time round, the house did not look as mammoth as it had two years ago. But your mother seemed strange. Or maybe that is what boarding school at a young age does to a person. Speaking in your mother tongue even became difficult. And on the first church camp you went, they had printed all the reading material in your mother tongue. That is how the church was dismissed from your go to places.
The belowing smoke from chimneys resemble the blur that the next decade was for your life in relation to your life and this town. You have always never had friends here. Everyone knows you from your parents. Si huyu ni mtoto wa nani? But that never bothered you. After all you are only here for a season, or so you thought.
And as you sift through  your memory, you can’t help but feel like a stranger in your own body. Nothing seems familiar. What your mind wants and what your heart wants are two different things. Your parents add in to the disagreement in your head. Society also has several opinions to add.
Your head is now paining. But you know that not even the strongest painkillers will help. Only when you find peace will the drums stop beating wildly in your head. And should the chaos in there go on, you know that the rest of your body will hop onto the pain bandwagon. Are you this weak? What on earth did you do wrong? Why then does your life seem to be going in the wrong direction? What’s your worth?
And as you go through this struggle, you remember that you have God. Did He not say that you should call Him when in trouble? But deep down in your heart you know that the only reason you are talking to Him is because you do not have any other option. Everyone around you seems oblivious to your pain.Plus there is that one or two times you called Him in the past that He did not respond. Or maybe He did. Because you prayed for fire and got ice instead. That made you realize that He has the choice to help you our of any situation but at times He chooses not to. And right now, when you are as disturbed as you are, you do not need the situation getting any worse.
But you still call unto Him. After all what do you have to lose? You already have nothing. And as you explain to Him how you are feeling, you appreciate that at least somebody understands what you are going through. You also now get why King David loved wailing to God all the time he was in trouble. There is a peace to going to a higher power when you are at the end of the road.
Amen. And as you say your Amen, the drums in your head start beating less loudly and slower. The voices in your head feel muted. You feel better. Confused. Unsettled. Disturbed. But better.You find peace amidst all those conflicting thoughts. And that is when you realize that this is the nearest to God you have ever been. When you have nothing and are nothing in the face of the world. Nearer your  God to thee.

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