I always thought me and Him were friends. In our conversations I would try and be sincere as possible. No secrets between us. I would tell him everything. We were friends, so no need to be ashamed of anything. Plus after all he knows everything about me. I’m just doing the formal part. I would dream on and on when talking to Him. Tell him my fears, my aspirations, my dark secrets that I hope no one ever finds out and even my fantasies. I and he were close like that.
Then came the asking part. He would always give me what I wanted. What I asked for. In the exact amount or with the precision I used. And so I got used to it. I got over my fear for asking and started asking for more and more. With each answer I grew an appetite for more. I mean if he could give me small things then surely where they come from there must be big things.
And so I graduated from asking for small non consequential things to huge things. My appetite for more had grown. Along the way I met all kinds of encouragement from all sort of corners. People were telling me of how they asked him for what they have now. People I admired blamed their success to him. He took them from grass to grace. Everybody I met told me that the only thing he required was my trust in him and for me to ask for everything I wanted.
I was elated. I started spreading the message. That I have this friend of mine who gives you everything you want and even that which you do not deserve. And he gives to the exact precision you want. I was always thanking him for our friendship. That he had allowed me who was messed up to be his friend. That he was always there for me. He was the only friend I had at times. The only one I could share with some things.
We should become closer, I said to myself. And so I started talking to him more often. Even in the middle of the day. In the midst of activities. I carried him in my mind and in my heart. He was a part of me. I decided to inform him of everything I would be doing. My closest friend has to be in the know about everything in my life. And I actually thought that our friendship was growing. I felt closer to him. We had to be close now after all that effort I put in ensuring this friendship does not go down to the drain. All those times I begged for forgiveness. All those times I excused him for not giving me a thing or two that I had asked.
A while ago I came ranting to him, as I always do about everything that pisses me off, about a close friend whom of late unless I texted first, she wouldn’t text. I felt as though we were growing apart. Me and her that is. This was becoming too one sided. I felt as though I was the one holding on to the friendship. What kind of friendship is this?
What kind of a friendship is this? He asked me. I thought he was just repeating what I had just said. Until it hit me. How was I blind all these years? How could I not have seen this? How comes I had never at any given point thought about the sort of relationship me and him have? How comes he had also never raised a red flag till now? I had always thought we were friends. Always. Never doubted that. But I was wrong.
He was my sponsor, I was the beneficiary. I asked, he gave. Everything about my conversations was always about asking or thanking him for what he had given me or asking him to accept me back after going out there and realizing that no one else could take care of me like he did. He was forever quiet except those rare times that I actually shut up when we were together.
Do I even know him? Like whom he really is. I know what he hates and love, his dislikes and likes. But is that all there is to him? What makes him tick? What is his favorite time of the day? What does he always think about? Who’s his best person on earth? What are his dreams? What are his desires? But most importantly how do we move on from here?
How do we become friends? And this time round I would love to promise to speak less and listen more. Except that I know myself. I speak too much when I’m around people I’m comfortable with. They always find a way to shut me up. And so will he I guess.
Being friends with Him is actually not as easy as I thought. I have to remind myself to learn to tell him stuff just for the sake of it, not with other motives behind it. To listen to him. He speaks through many ways this friend of mine. And so I have to be on the look out to not miss his contribution to the conversation.
And to think that I always thought me and him were friends. But maybe this time, I and he will be friends.