Had you asked me that yesterday or today morning my answer would have been an automatic yes. I mean, it requires no thinking if i can love others unconditionally and with everything i have then how much more so do i love myself? But a walk to nowhere in particular has revealed the opposite. So many questions have i asked myself that denote an underlying disaster waiting to happen.
How many times do i call or text the people i hold dear to my heart each day to know how they are doing? But do i ever ask myself how i am faring on in this gamble called life? I can drop everything just to go offer my shoulder to a friend going through trouble. But in bad situations i have gone through, when have i ever silenced everything just to hear what me is feeling? Or do i just assume its okay and continue ‘living life’.
Much thought do i give to my loved ones. I think about the friendships i have and the relationship i am in. Is there a way to make things better, are we okay with each other and if not what can be done about it, what can i do to make them happy, is there a trait in me that needs to be changed for things to be okay, are they treating me right, do i feel treasured and loved, is my love being reciprocated?
But how many times do i ever sit me and myself down to analyse our relationship. Are we treating each other right. Or is me imposing her will to myself? Signs like stress and bad moods all the time should draw attention to an underlying problem within myself but how many times do i just assume that they are passing emotions that are very normal and should not be a matter of concern?
I love reminding the people that i love that i love them. But i can’t remember when i ever whispered to myself that i love me. I guess i have always assumed that i do love myself. But if others need to hear that constantly then how about me? How many times do i complement others on how they look? Yet i don’t remember the last time i looked myself in the mirror and said” you look beautiful” without meaning the clothe i’ve put on.
I have invested so much into my relationships with others. But is there any investment i have contributed to my relationship with myself? How many times do i take time out to myself? To just think about what me wants, needs , aspires to be, feels and thinks. How many times do i seek approval within myself or have i conformed to what the society expects me to do and be?
Do i ever celebrate myself? Like just be glad i am who i am. To see all the flaws and weaknesses in myself and still accept that that which i am is beautiful? To appreciate my personality without comparing it to anyone else’s? To thank God he created me to be who i am without thinking about the position or place my life is at on earth?
I believe souls don’t die. People do, bodies do. Meaning me and myself are for eternity. So why invest so much on beings that at some point, we will be separated but not on the one ‘person’ i’ll forever be with?
As i passed some shop i decided to stop and buy sweets. In my whole adult life the only sweets i have ever bought are tropicals for supposed health benefits. The toffees melting in my mouth reminded me of my childhood days when all the money i got was spent on sweets. Everything i did as a child was for self fulfillment. I pleased myself. I ensured i spent my free time doing things i loved n wanted to do.
But what changed that i do not even remember indulging myself in simple gratifying things? Yes there are responsiblities that come with growing up but does that remove me from the center point of my life to the furthest corner whilst everyone else takes the front stage?
I have always assumed that the decisions i make are from everything within me. That i love myself. That there is no need for finding the inner mercy. But today my thoughts came to a very alarming conclusion that requires an about turn on how i treat myself emotionally.
I have concluded that no, at this point in my life i wouldn’t take a bullet for myself.